Gizmodo has reported that new portable scanners, that may be used in U.S. airports and border crossings as early as 2013, will be able to use lasers to check out your molecules. Specifically, the lasers will allow the scanners’ users to know “everything about you from 164 feet away” including whether you have traces of drugs on your clothing and “what you had for breakfast.”
That would be potentially embarrassing if an airport screener asked you: “Aren’t you a little too old to be having Cap’n Crunch, Captain?” But hey, you walked into that one, showing up to the airport in your Captain Morgan uniform. Here’s 3 potentially more embarrassing situations involving this new technology:
1. The screener could tell you there are traces of cocaine on your clothes, when you have legitimately been drug free. It’s not your fault that the night before your flight you attended the Pillow Fight World Cup and someone filled a pillow with cocaine that exploded on the crowd! To make matters worse, the false cocaine-using accusations frustrate you, leading you to yell at the screener: “I have a good lawyer, do you know who I am? I eat people like you for breakfast!”
And the screener could then respond: “We know what you had for breakfast, Ms. Lohan. You had Wal-mart Great Value Strawberry Awake Cereal! It’s on the screen of this scanner!”
Now you technically lied to a U.S. Government Employee about what you eat for breakfast! And you are forced to hang your head in shame as other travelers know that despite your apparent movie-star lifestyle, you’ve been eating the generic form of Special K to save ten cents a box.
2. The screener could tell you that “There are traces of alcohol on your clothes, Ms. Lohan!” This would be bad if you were actually Lindsay Lohan, and this violated any probation order or film contract. But it would be worse if you were Adam Sandler, dressed as a woman, in character for a Jack and Jill-like sequel to Don’t Mess With the Zohan. It would be embarrassing that the screener confused Lohans with Zohans. And even worse that the machine was apparently broken as it confused 40-something men with 20-something women… unless of course, you’re acting was just so good, it even fools lasers… which seems unlikely.
3. The screener could tell you “There are traces of jokes on the DVD copy of Jack and Jill in your carry-on, Mr. Sandler. Very small traces.” Oh, snap, you just got served! You feel bad until you realize the screener is Pauly Shore working at his new day job.