Judge Orders: IKEA Monkey Will Not Spend Christmas Or Remainder Of Mayan Apocalypse With Its Former Owner

As we wrote yesterday, the monkey found hanging out at a Toronto IKEA is now the subject of a legal battle.

The Toronto Star reports that an Ontario judge has ordered that the IKEA Monkey spend until at least mid-January at an animal sanctuary, with visitation rights for the monkey’s former and potentially current owner, depending how this case unfolds.

This must be sad news for the monkey’s former owner who reportedly says she eats, sleeps, and showers with the monkey.

This is the worst Mayan Apocalypse ever.

3 Things That Could Make Today’s Mayan Apocalypse Worse For People Who Shower With Monkeys

1. Monkey owners could try showering with their monkeys in Siberia, where as you can see in this YouTube video link from the Telegraph, boiling water instantly turns to ice when thrown over a balcony. So don’t expect any free showers outside in Siberia, and also don’t expect to stand beneath buildings there and have your pot of eggs boiled for free.

2. If you use a baby shampoo, your shower with a monkey could lead to a positive drug test, according to a report we wrote about here. In the event that the world doesn’t totally end today, that could really turn into a bummer at your next job interview.

3. You could drive all the way to IKEA to buy an EGGEGRUND shower curtain in your monkey’s favorite color of blue, but you wind up feeling blue after losing your monkey at the store, and having the authorities take it away, before you can ever enjoy the $4.99 Swedish masterpiece! And despite having the word “Egg” in the products name, it won’t help you boil your eggs that you have already tried to boil unsuccessfully under a Siberian balcony.

In other news, this blog managed to continue its consecutive streak of 181 entries alive, even during an apocalypse! Tune in over the holidays to see if we use pictures, just in time for you to view this blog on your new tablet or other electronic photo-viewing devices!



Categories: Animals, Humor

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  1. Sweden’s Security Is Bananas B-A-N-A-N-A-S! | NotTheWorstNews

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