Adam Sandler’s flick That’s My Boy took in $13 Million at the box office this weekend. This means fewer tickets were sold than Happy Gilmore, a movie we at NotTheWorstNews support, as we exclaim “Looks like Happy learned how to putt!” whenever we surprise opponents with a successful play in mini-golf, bocce ball, or the carnival game where a carny tries, unsuccessfully, to guess our ages.
Perhaps the bad guessing has something to do with the fact that we put the odds in our favor by attending the carnival dressed wearing 50 Hello Kitty “Bling Face” Headbands from Hot Topic. (the lack of circulation caused by wearing so many of these headbands makes us look older in case you wondered about the science behind this. Or maybe they just can’t see our faces behind so many headbands. The science is inconclusive, so should not be relied upon.)
Anyway, as we wrote previously, Sony recently announced a bunch of new Hasbro-themed movies in various stages of development, including Tonka, Candyland, and Risk. The Tonka movie is being co-produced by Sandler’s Happy Madison productions, which leads to the question as to whether a movie based on a toy truck can underperform Sandler’s biggest comedy flop in decades. But however much money Tonka pulls in, there still could be worse choices from the Hasbro catalog:
Another 3 Worse Ideas For Sony/Happy Madison Film Hasbro-Themed Productions Than “Tonka”
1. Lite Brite. This sequel to Bad Teacher stars Jennifer Love-Hewitt as Lite Brite, a gold-digging Chicago Elementary school English teacher, whose main job is to teach kids to read. Unfortunately, even the class of inner city kids realize someone who can’t spell “light” or “bright” correctly may not necessarily be literate enough to teach kids to read. So, while Lite Brite tries to sleep-off hangovers during class the badly-behaved students rearrange the letters to make words like “Dum” and every emoticon for confused:
Fortunately, Love-Hewitt’s character falls for Super-Jock, a non-Hasbro baseball-bat-wielding toy, played by Justin Long who teaches her to spell “L-U-V”, and also uses his bat to help rescue her from a gang stealing her Tonka Escalade.
2. Scrabble. This thriller sequel to Face/Off focuses on two blank Scrabble pieces on the run after being accused of a crime they did not commit. And that crime was turning an elite North Korean military corps into corpses. Having no money, or point value, or alphabet recognized in North Korea, they must break out of a prison. They turn a scape column into escape columns, leaving the jail, and nabbing two double-letter scores! The victory is bittersweet as they realize that since blank spaces are worth zero, two times zero is still zero. However, this gain in mathematical insight helps them land a job teaching math at a Chicago elementary school.
3. Trivial Pursuit. This 18 hour movie produced, written, and directed by Clint Eastwood is set in the year 2582. The world has run out of oil and plastic. A group of archeologists unearth a Trivial Pursuit board, knowing the plastic pies and wedges contain enough plastic to fuel a trip to resource-rich Mars. The U.N. Security Council agrees that the only fair way to divide the plastic is to play the game until someone wins. Despite great advances in education, the contestants find themselves repeatedly stumped by questions like “Who won the Silver Medal in Cricket in the 1900 Paris Olympics?”