Daredevil Nik Wallenda is scheduled to walk a tightrope across Niagara Falls, live on ABC tonight! And due to pressures from sponsors, he will be wearing a safety harness. This has some potential spectators, who probably are still a little too amped from the Hunger Games and a pack of Monster energy drinks, upset that this may not be realistic and exciting enough to view from their basement couches.
Look folks, what do you expect on a Friday night, when nobody has watched ABC since their TGIF Family Matters line-up in 1997? Advertisers are scarce. And when Willans, the world’s leading safety harness manufacturer, buys up all of your ad space, they’re going to expect some product placement! At least that’s our theory of how it will work. We’ll find out the who these sponsors are when we turn on ABC.
That said, we at NotTheWorstNews like the safety harness idea, better than the potential of watching someone fall to their death idea, so here’s:
3 Worse Harnesses ABC Could Have Forced Nik Wallenda To Wear On A Tightrope Over Niagara Falls
1. A harness racing driver in a sulky. As if crossing Niagara Falls in the dark would not be difficult enough, doing so while pulling a man who was over a hundred pounds too heavy to become a thoroughbred jockey, would be higher pressure. Especially as he keeps hitting you with his whip, so that you can win the race against the two other daredevils pulling carts across the narrow tightrope, in the stupidest event in sports history.
2. A harness attached to the panel of ABC’s the View. At first it may be mildly entertaining for audiences to hear Barbara Walters comment on the irony of the fact they have a “spectacular view” on a show called the View. But Wallenda might get annoyed after Elizabeth Hasselbeck chimes in how “easy it is to walk across a baby little, left-leaning tightrope, for a few minutes, over Canadian waters, where everyone feels entitled to free medical care if they fall off, and slightly sprain themselves from their baby little harness, when I balanced on a stump for sixteen hours straight on Survivor!”
3. A harness made of tightropes! No need to make this multi-hour television program even longer as our daredevil becomes confused as too which tightropes he is supposed to use to walk over the dark, misty, foggy falls!