Donald Trump told a crowd in Iowa tonight that the Bible is his favorite book, ranking well above his own book the “Art of the Deal.”
What parts of the Bible does Trump like? We can only guess, so here are what we call:
The Ten Trump Commandments
- You shall have no other Gods before Me… so anytime someone starts acting like they’re all high and mighty, tell the media that person is not a god, but is a total loser!
- You should not make for yourself a carved image of any likeness of anything in heaven… except feel free to build towers with your names on them into the heavens. The angels really like it when bright “Trump” signs break the monotony of the clouds.
- You shall not take the lord’s name in vain, however feel free to be vain by wearing whatever hairstyle you think makes you look younger, and also by complimenting yourself in the third person.
- The seventh day is the day of rest... unless you want to air Apprentice shows on Sunday nights on NBC. In which case everybody better show up for work on the live finale, or they are all fired!
- Honor your father and mother. Your father did give you your inheritance. Which, of course, has nothing to do with how hugely successful you are. As for other people’s mothers, say whatever you want about Megyn Kelly and Hillary Clinton.
- You shall not murder, but feel free to use the phrase “I’m killing that other candidate in the polls,” as a regular figure of speech, even if those polls are more than a year before an election, and feature more candidates than people you want to deport from America.
- You shall not commit adultery… unless a younger, more attractive woman comes along that can help you convince the Republican base you believe in conservative family values.
- You shall not steal… but feel free to take away babies’ rights under the 14th Amendment of the Constitution. Because it’s so easy, it’s literally like taking citizenship from a baby.
- You shall not bear false witness against your neighbor... but if you are called for jury deal, feel free to take a nap.
- You shall not covet your neighbor’s stuff, including his house… unless you are building a new hotel blocks away from the White House at a former library. Who wouldn’t want to live in the White House, right? Totally covet that thing, or at least put Trump signs on your building in the neighborhood.
I feel like we should collaborate… but I don’t know how!