3 Things We’d Like McDonald’s New Hamburglar To Steal

Time reports that McDonald’s has reintroduced the Hamburglar. Instead of a little, pudgy cartoon character in some sort of bachelor-party burglar costume, the new role is a real person in said costume.  Here are 3 things we’d like him to steal!

1. Minutes from McDonald’s 2015 marketing meetings. We want to know how talking about Hamburglar on social media is going to make people choose McDonald’s instead of Chipotle. Perhaps the mascot should be No-Alternative Man, a 1970s classic rocker, who hates alt rock, and reminds everyone that McDonald’s, unlike Chipotle, is open when you’re drunk and make bad decisions. You’re welcome, McDonald’s. Please forward a $100,000 check for our superior marketing idea.

2. Minutes from 1970s McDonald’s marketing meetings.  We want to know how “Grimace” became a character. “Hey, let’s create a character based on a negative facial expression one might have when caught bringing a date to McDonald’s!”

3. Everything but the kitchen sink. Literally. Just start from scratch, and put a Five Guys or Shake Shack kitchen in there.

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Categories: Mildly Bad News

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