The Wall Street Journal reported Friday that Apple is secretly manufacturing a minivan-like electric car.

3 Features We’d Like To See On An Apple-Designed Electric Car

1. Feature that allows headlights to project movies on giant hologram simulated-screen in the air. (Might as well give the line-up of newly purchased Apple cars leaving the Apple store something to do by creating a drive-in movie theater.)

2. Siri feature that gives career mapping directions to David Hasselhoff. Knight Rider, Baywatch, and a German singing career? So far, so good, Hasselhoff, you’ve exceeded everyone’s expectations after Knight Rider.

3. Animatronic Abraham Lincoln that educates kids in the back seat. Disney has to find another use for these things, right? Also, a huge burn to Lincoln cars if Apple has a Lincoln in their vehicle before Lincoln.

Categories: Mildly Bad News

Tags: Apple, automobiles, Business, David Hasselhoff, Humor, Parody, satire, technology, travel