3 Celebrities We Would Use To Take Out Godzilla

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UPI reports that the U.S. Air Force has confirmed that it has the capacity to take out Godzilla, just in time for the release of a new Godzilla movie today!

From the obviously-not-serious-interview:

“Master Sgt. Jason Edwards of Kadena Air Base said the Air Force would deploy ‘4,000 Segways and slingshots’ and would need help from certain people.”

You can read the article to see which people Sgt. Edwards would use… or you could read our:

3 Celebrities We Would Use To Take Out Godzilla

1. Rob Kardashian. Good luck rampaging the streets of Tokyo, Godzilla, when you keep tripping in your brightly colored-rob Kardashian socks. Which Rob would easily be able to slip on you while you and everyone else is distracted by Bruce Jenner’s latest argument with Kris about “if you had let me build a man cave, we could seek refuge from Godzilla in the cave, right now.”

2. Solange Knowles. Hey, she only needs one brief elevator ride that takes seconds to watch online to take down Hov, so why waste 123 minutes watching whatever the stars of the new Godzilla movie do?

3. Jay-Z. In the song 99 Problems, Hov once described a type of person so lame, that they were “loud as a motorbike, but wouldn’t bust a grape in a fruit fight.” And if we learned one thing from Mrs. Doubtfire, drive-by-fruitings are real. So look out, Godzilla, Hov might send all of the premium fruit at Whole Foods your way. And when he finishes you off, we expect him to proclaim to Godzilla’s vitamin-C-fallen corpse “Now I’ve only got 98 problems.”

Categories: Audience Participation

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