Time reports that the Justin Bieber wax figure at Madame Tussauds museum in Times Square has been put into early retirement due to being “groped to death.”
3 Other Materials We Suggest To Use To Make Justin Bieber Life-Size Gropable Figures
1. The wax we see in infomercials that lets people scratch cars and then magically makes the scratches disappear. Sounds like a more durable wax, and perhaps it can make entire cars used for drag-racing in Miami disappear, along with related police records.
2. A functioning human liver grown from one Justin Bieber liver cell. Because it seems even strong products like alcohol can’t harmfully grope the real Biebs’ liver.
3. Our blog entry yesterday. The least popular entry in Not The Worst News’ history! Just print it out and draw your own Bieber mugshot on it. Just don’t draw a passport scanner that scans Canadian passports to give you a beer in Sochi, because we don’t want the Biebs to hear about that, fly to Russia, and risk getting in hijinx in another country.