Our week of paying tribute to our readers continues, and today we recommend reading “Booger Barrage” by blogger and writer 3teensmom. This particular entry is about her teenage kids discovering she has a blog, and leaving lousy one-star ratings and mean posts in the “comments” section of the blog!
But our protagonist blogger has a plan. The ultimate in mom weapons systems: embarrassing her kids, in only the way a mother can. And just as real weapons technology has rapidly accelerated over time, our protagonist reveals that she is considering using her blog to embarrass her children. Here’s our favorite quote:
“I’m thinking I need to blog about the many, many foolish things they’ve done over time. Perhaps I can reveal secret crushes. Or, shall I talk about my sex life?”
Okay, if it’s not too late, we do not recommend the last suggestion. While it may seem embarrassing to your kids, it can backfire if their friends retweet it, which they will. We don’t know if you live in a small town, but your sex life will go viral faster than an STD!
As for the secret crush, that’s a potential disaster, too, if the crush is the local Cullen boy and he reads about the crush! If that happens, for reasons that are not explained to anyone who understands character development, he will instantly fall in love with your daughter, and convert her into a vampire, and then they have some sort of hybrid-vampire baby.
Embarrassing teenagers takes a right balance. We don’t want our protagonist to embarrass her children in a way that does them psychological harm or risk their chances of getting asked to the Pinterest Prom! That would be social suicide as the Pinterest Prom, like Pinterest, is reportedly more popular among women by a 97% women to 3% men margin, making it extremely challenging to find a date, as most high schools have few boys interested in pinning the latest cherry-blossom-scented lotions at Bath and Body Works.
But we’re still here to help our readers out, so here are:
3 More Embarrassing Things Your Mom Could Write On Her Blog Than Revealing Your Secret Crushes
1. Review every book in the 50 Shades Of Grey Series. The first book is now the best selling Kindle book of all time in the United Kingdom, according to the Daily Mail. Once upon a time, the United Kingdom’s top literary exports were William Shakespeare and Harry Potter, until one day, best-seller lists worldwide were adorned with a three-novel series written by British author Erika Leonard a.k.a. E.L. James! The popularity of the book on Kindle suggests British women are discretely reading it as they ride the tube. And yes, we just inadvertently broke our own rules about never using double-entendres. Anyway, if you want your children to turn 50 shades of red, just blog about Christian Grey and Ana with the same detail that the Mail Online does in an article that can be seen here.
2. Post a video on You Tube of you wearing the latest teen fashions entitled “Forever 21 and Wet Seal Haul!” Then spend ten minutes talking about your latest haul, which consists of the same clothes your teen daughters wear. For inexplicable reasons, 1 million people will view this on You Tube. The downside to this is since teens think dressing like their parents is uncool, your kids will expect you to buy them a new wardrobe.
3. Start blogging under your new online name “DJ Mommy 3”. This requires blogging using jargon used by cast members of Jersey Shore. It may be initially tempting to blog in a voice similar to the guy who owns Seaside Heights’ Shore Store, because we know he’s literate since there are words on his T-shirts. However, this blogging “Situation” requires referring to your kids as “my little meatballs” and writing the word “bleep” repeatedly to indicate you are self-censoring foul language. It may seem initially embarrassing for an adult writer like our protagonist to blog in a way that destroys the English language, but writing that kind of stuff can pave the road to riches in the United Kingdom. Just ask author E.L. James, if she’s not busy auditioning former American Idol Taylor Hicks for the inevitable London West End Production of 50 Shades of Grey: The Musical!