Another 3 Disclosures Vaguer Than Mitt Romney’s Net Worth Disclosure

As we recently wrote about here, the Mitt Romney campaign “disclosed” that Mitt’s net worth is somewhere between $84 Million and $256 Million. That’s $172 million difference, enough money to buy the NHL’s Winnipeg Jets hockey team. Can you imagine accidentally forgetting to disclose your hockey team in your net worth calculation when you apply for a mortgage for your future summer-cottage-constructed-of-ice while dodging pucks as NHL stars skate around your current basement hockey rink/den? That’s why we present:

Another 3 Worse Situations Involving Vague Disclosure

1. You buy a Powerball ticket, excited to play your favorite numbers: 1, 2, 3, 4, and 5. “The odds are the same as any other numbers, and nobody will ever pick my numbers, and I will never have to split the prize” you say, rationalizing your decision. Unfortunately, in this edition of Powerball, the winning numbers are being drawn and announced by Mitt Romney, who announces that the winning numbers are all of the numbers between 1 and 59 and a red ball. At first this seems a bit disappointing, because everybody in America wins, meaning you have to split the prize equally. Unfortunately you did not listen to Romney announce the jackpot. “Tonight’s estimated jackpot is negative $172 billion to zero! And so everybody, with a ticket, please submit your share of the jackpot to the federal government, and remember, folks, this is a jackpot, not a tax.”

2. A new congress passes legislation in 2013 raising the debt ceiling to “somewhere in between $17 trillion and $51 trillion, and changing the highest marginal tax rate on those in the highest income tax bracket from 35%, to “between 11% and 33%.” As the new President signs the budget into law, he says “Don’t worry about the confusion, I’m sure your accountants will work it out quite fine, just as mine do, when they calculate my net worth!”

3. Mitt Romney loses the election, and also the popular vote by 172 million votes, but demands a recount, because, “Let’s face it America, counting anything in the millions is hard! Trust me, the team of people I pay $7 per hour to $600 million a year to count things, tell my other-team-of-people-I-pay-to-uncount-things this all the time.” That would especially be bad news because the population of the United States is 313,000,000 people, many of whom are children ineligible to vote, making it impossible to lose by that many votes! Which can only mean one thing: a late 2012 zombie apocalypse results in formerly-deceased-U.S.-citizens-turned-into zombies exercising their rights to vote, and rights to bite, massively increasing the population, and making the whole recount situation a mess.



Categories: Humor, Politics, U.S. 2012 Presidential Election

Tags: , , , , ,

2 replies

  1. I did not know there is a Winnipeg Jets hockey team in NHL. So I guess it’s a pretty honest mistake to make to forget to include it in your calculations.

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    • Hmmm… maybe their obscurity among NotTheWorstNews readers is why the team valuation is not as high as other NHL teams. This sounds like a perfect team to buy and relocate to a big market city, like Atlanta or Phoenix!

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