Transylvanian Men Caught In Cliche Garlic Heist!
According to the Austrian Times, Austrian police have arrested five men from Transylvania for allegedly stealing 9.5 tonnes of garlic from Spain. “But I don’t know the metric system,” you worriedly say, “and therefore can’t put a reference point of how much that is in my head.”
Don’t worry, dear NTWN reader, we’re here to tell you that’s about 335,102 ounces! Which would be worth about $542 million in gold at today’s prices. We don’t know the street value of garlic in Transylvania, however, we’re thinking trans-continental thievery of gold may have been more lucrative… unless there is some secret recent Transylvanian vampire activity increasing demand for garlic.
3 Worse Things To Steal From Spain And Bring Back To Transylvania
1. Debt and Unemployment. The only thing worse than being unemployed is being an unemployed vampire washing garlic covered dishes at the local Transylvanian Italian restaurant to pay off your debts. Don’t believe us? Just ask the entire cast of Twilight after Breaking Dawn 2 comes out. Yes, spoiler alert, even the vampire baby will be unemployed.
2. The Euro Cup. As Team Spain runs to Transylvania to reclaim the trophy that rightfully belongs to it, it will be unaware that it is playing right into Italy’s hands for any future rematch. A Spanish-Converted-To-Vampires team will be weak in any day games, especially when Italy has massive access to garlic, crucifixes, and holy water to wear during every game.
3. Siestas. Vampires have secretly cornered the global siesta labor market in dark coffins across Transylvania for thousands of years! Adding in millions of Spaniards enjoying siestas to this region may lead to a global siesta crash, and massive siesta unemployment. The good news is we believe, after having just watched the Twilight Breaking Dawn 2 Trailer, that a massive increase in demand for global siestas will balance things out, as boyfriends everywhere will need an afternoon nap at the final instalment of the Twilight Saga that their girlfriends dragged them to.