This is the second instalment of our series on #MysteryIngredients. Today we look at an organic beverage, described as a “strawberry flavored juice drink in a blend with organic lemon juice concentrate.” Or more simply, “Strawberry Paradise.” We’re certain that any strawberry will tell you being mixed with lemon juice concentrate is its idea of paradise. (That’s why roses were the plants involved in writing “Paradise City” and not lame strawberries.)
Waiting for the moment “Strawberry Paradise” becomes an animated CGI movie starring Strawberry protagonists, and featuring the voice of Christina Hendricks.
Now let’s check the ingredients. Number one ingredient, water. Here’s hoping strawberries finish a close second… nope… the number two ingredient is “organic evaporated cane juice.”
“real fruit settles.” Hey strawberries, you don’t have to settle for anyone – date whoever you want!
We’re not in science class right now, but we think that when you evaporate cane juice, you’re going to have a lot of sugar left over. Although “organic evaporated cane juice” sounds more nutritious… In fairness to the cane evaporation industry, we have read online that when you evaporate cane juice you may get other nutrients in addition to sugar. But we’re still going to make fun of this product name, so here are our…
3 Sarcastic Definitions Of “Organic Evaporated Cane Juice”
1. “Totally different than ‘Evaporated Sugar Cane Juice,’ so let’s not even put the word ‘sugar’ in it. Besides, who wants to eat something that reminds them of the scene in Coyote Ugly where they dance to ‘Pour Some Sugar On Me‘ and light the bar on fire?”
2. “Stuff the cane industry wanted to call ‘Kane Juice’ but that might have got it sued by WWE superstar, Kane. Even if he doesn’t sue, as his signature move is called the ‘Chokeslam’ probably not a good idea to associate a food ingredient with choking. Another bad idea: suggesting that Kane likes some sort of ‘juice.'”
3. “Hey, at lease we didn’t name gum ‘Juicy Fruit.’ And we’re not just saying that because someone else had the rights to that product name for at least 100 years.”
Categories: Mildly Bad News
NotTheWorstNews 
It’s sugar. Back away slowly.
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