Mummified Hamburger Continues To Party Like It’s 1999

As we’ve been writing this week, a Utah man found a mummified 14-year old McDonald’s hamburger in his pocket. After turning down a $5,000 offer from a local DJ who might eat the thing, we’ve been trying to help the man come up with other uses for the burger.

So here are three more:

1. Stare at it like you used to stare at the Internet before a massive cable outage. (Coincidentally a massive cable outage is happening right now at the NTWN headquarters!)

2. Since it appears indestructible, pound it with your fist every time Clippy from Windows 97 asks you if you are trying to write a letter, when you are not writing a letter but rather really trying to create a chart to see which will last longer: a burger from 1999 or Clippy’s career.

3. See whether your burger will continue partying like it’s 1999 longer than Prince. This is a tough call, because we still remained convinced by his lack of aging since 1999, Prince may be a vampire. On the other hand, Prince is a vegetarian (the worst kind of vampire!), so the hamburger is likely safe to keep on keeping on in his presence.



Categories: Humor, The Future

Tags: , , , , , , , ,

3 replies

  1. Or someone could, possibly, use that hamburger as an inspiration for writing 3 blog posts in 3 days…

    Like

  2. I think we’re approaching this the wrong way. I see a whole new small-scale bovicultural movement beginning, where Frenchmen with small herds of cattle and an obsession with “terroir” fill oak casks with cooked patties and allow them to age for 10-20 years.

    Like

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