Microsoft Introduces New Operating System That May Require Being “Tickled.”

Microsoft is launching Windows 8, which according to CNN is their way of saying “goodbye start button,” and hello just tickle the computer or something and something you want to happen may happen.

Instead of paraphrasing geeky highly technological words, here’s the actual quote:

“Industry analysts think users will be startled and confused by the new software’s starkly different look. Gestures, tiles, charms and tickles replace many of the functions from the familiar Start menu — which is nowhere to be found in Windows 8. The operating system isn’t difficult to use, but it’s got a learning curve.”

We are glad to hear “complex” tickling is not involved, although if it was, we would certainly hope we’d get to tickle the discontinued animated Microsoft office assistant, Clippy. If Clippy was still around, we’d prefer to hear Clippy’s laughter instead of pop-up interruptions saying “It looks like you’re writing a letter, do you need some help?” Especially when we were writing complaint letters about Clippy, and then didn’t want to hurt Clippy’s feelings and started deleting them, but then the computer crashed.

3 Things We Hope Microsoft Will Do If We Make Our Computers Happy By Tickling Them

1. Stop automatically turning paragraph (c) into paragraph “copyright symbol”, and paragraph (e) into the declining European currency symbol. Honestly, if you’re going to make it more inconvenient to type a document on Microsoft Word, at least replace letters in brackets with a happy, entertaining Emoji symbol, like the ghost – just in time for Halloween!

2. Stop saying Windows 7 was our idea. Having our files magically disappear into mysterious folders was not our idea. Trying to make Kraft Macaroni and Cheese in college faster by boiling the water with the cheese powder in it was our idea. And it was a bad idea.

3. Tickle CEO Steve Balmer every time someone uses the tickle gesture, whatever that is. He kind of has looked angry whenever we’ve seen him speak over the past decade, so it’s time to turn that frown upside down, for example:

Change this 😦

Into this 🙂

And not this © or €

(note the last two things look like sad faces, which is ironic when the letter “c” and “e” change into them when we don’t want that to happen.)

Categories: Humor, Mildly Bad News, Technology

Tags: , , , , , , , ,

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