Canoe News reports that the Government Of Canada is spending over $800,000 Canadian investing in a meat-processing company to help them create sausages that don’t explode, in an apparent attempt to prevent Canadians who don’t know how to cook sausages avoid injuries that could lead to embarrassing global double entendre headlines for the nation!
3 Other Ridiculous Food Technologies The Government Of Canada Could Invest In To Try To Help Keep Canadians Safe
1. New technology to help people who don’t read the instructions avoid ruining microwaveable dinners, by automatically piercing the plastic as soon as the dinner is removed from the box. Because if your dinner was bought from a freezer in a gas station, over-cooking the mysterious cherry filling dessert may ruin your day.
2. Cholesterol-free poutine. For those out of the loop of fine French-Canadian cuisine, poutine is a popular menu item that usually involves french fries covered in gravy and cheese curds. Sometimes other ingredients like bacon are added. So basically making this fat-free would be trickier than figuring out how all the people in Montreal who eat this stuff seem so thin. For greater clarity, we define “All the people in Montreal” as being “all of the members of the Arcade Fire.”
3. Making $50 bills partially out of plastic to avoid paper cuts while inserting the bills in candy bar vending machines. Actually, for those of you who haven’t stuck a Canadian fifty in a vending machine while accidentally driving into Canada from Detroit, after your American-made car navigation lead you astray, Canada has already added plastic to these bills! Canada has also introduced a lot of candy bars you’ve probably never heard of with crazy names like “Eat More,” “Cherry Blossoms,” and “Big Turk,” so we don’t recommend sticking a $50 in the machine unless you want two pounds of Canadian one and two dollar coins in your pocket to go with an obscure candy item that may be unavailable elsewhere for a reason.