Canadian Justin Bieber Tells Rolling Stone Aboriginal Canadians Get Free Gas At Gas Stations, Briefly Forgetting How Capitalism Works Despite Being Worth Millions Of Dollars

According to the National Post, in a recent interview with Rolling Stone, Canadian pop star Justin Bieber told the magazine that he is of part Aboriginal heritage, and this means that he can fill up his car with gas in Canada for free.

Oh, Justin Bieber, the reason you can get free gas in Canada is because you’re Justin Bieber, and your management pays for it if you race off from the pumps, we say, paraphrasing what we might expect the Congress of Aboriginal Peoples and Shell Canada to say, given the Biebs is incorrect.

In fairness, Justin Bieber got a $100,000 Fiskar Karma Electric Car for his 18th birthday on the Ellen Degenres show, so, please, Canadian media, consider that before feeling that the Biebs ought to know better when you’re filling up your Ford Windstar at the local Esso station.

3 More Incorrect Things Justin Bieber Could Think Canadians Get For Free

1. Free Fiskar Karma Electric Cars. Nope, just because you got one, Justin, doesn’t mean every Canadian did. Canadian group Nickelback could probably get one for free, but really, who would want to ride in it with them? Even the electricity would be like, “Sorry, dudes, I’m gonna hitch a ride with my friend, the Wind Turbine in the field over there… what… you say how’s that possible when the turbine’s not moving and appears anchored to the ground? No man, he’s just taking a nap.”

2. Free Hearthcare! Look, Mr. Bieber, we know that you are from Stratford, Ontario, Canada, where prior to you, the main entertainment to come out of there was an annual Shakespeare festival. So we can understand after watching all that Shakespeare, you’d think many people are still heating their homes using 16th century hearths. But Canadians still have to pay for their hearth-care! It’s a lot of work scrubbing the grime off hearths, and can sometimes cause injuries to a pop-star like carpel tunnel syndrome, which is a good thing because Canadians do get free healthcare!

Cleaning a hearth is much riskier when there is an actual fire. And don’t think the easy way of cleaning it involves “just burning this dirt away.” Using fire to clean your home is a dangerous policy, and likely to result in an injury potentially requiring free Canadian healthcare.

3. Free Range Chicken. It’s hard enough being a chicken on a farm, with so many varying definitions of free range. According to Salon:

“Free range” does have an official definition: “Producers must demonstrate to the Agency that the poultry has been allowed access to the outside.”

As Salon, accurately points out, this is pretty vague-sounding! Is hitching a trailer of chicken to Justin Bieber’s new electric car sufficient “access to outside” to constitute “free range”? If we start to see Justin Bieber-branded Canadian Free Range Chicken sandwiches at Stratford’s Tim Hortons locations, we will be very suspicious.

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Categories: Music, The Environment

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1 reply

  1. Didn’t know Justin has that Aboriginal side, anyway he’s a true Canadian and represents our lovely maple country with pride!

    Like

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