Those of you who have been following know that we have been trying to help Goldman Sachs, who has over 10,000 vice-presidents, but no definition of “vice-president” come up with more vice-presidential titles. Here are 3 more we propose:
1. Vice-President of Accepting Responsibility For Having Moulded Jim Cramer. This Vice-President sits in a private jet, without any crying babies. However since he is taking responsibility for the fact that CNBC Mad Money host Jim Cramer once worked for Goldman Sachs, he must listen to headphones playing Jim Cramer’s ‘crying baby’ button on loop for the entire trip. Just like regular people.
2. Vice-President Of Convincing Young, Prospective Vice-Presidents That “Vice-President” Is Not A “Courtesy Title.” Sure, Goldman Sachs said in legal filings that it was a “courtesy title.” But that was only to be courteous and make the other 20,000 employees without the title feel better about themselves. (Convincing people of that explanation is this vice-president’s job.)
3. Vice-President of Putting Stocks On Goldman’s “Lacking-Conviction” Buy Lists. You may have heard of stocks in the news on the “conviction buy” list. That doesn’t mean you will be convicted for insider trading if you buy it. Rather it means, you should really, really buy the stock, according to them. So imagine being stuck with trying to convince people to buy stocks from more apathetic lists. Especially the “Who-Really-Cares-This-Whole-Game-Is-Rigged-But-Please-Buy-It-Anyway” List.
Categories: Mildly Bad News