The Associated Press reports that the American Gerbil’s Society recently held its annual pageant in Massachusetts to determine “top gerbil.”
3 Pageants We’d Less Like To Judge
1. New York City’s Top Rat. Our reluctance to judge such a competition has less to do with fear of cat-sized rats, and more to do with fear that our top choice for co-judge, a.k.a. “America’s Top Gerbil” may be inadvertently eaten by one of the rat contestants.
2. Australia’s Top Stinger. While possibly less dangerous than “Australia’s Top Biter,” we don’t want to have to disappoint a pageant full of Man Of War jellyfish that they failed the swimsuit part of the completion. Also if you really want to convince judges at a pageant that you are sincere about world peace, you might want to change your name to something more pacifist than “Man Of War.”
3. Maui’s Top Fruit Fly. This pageant would be over before it started. By the time the fruit flies’ owners filled in our 50 page applications, and boarded a ten+ hour flight to Hawaii, many fruit flies would be middle-aged to retired. And it their average 24 hour lifespans didn’t do them in, then the Department of Agriculture would probably deny them admission to the state, making for a weak slate of contestants.