Is Facebook Better At Analyzing Your Life Than Your Mother?

Yesterday we wrote about a recent report that Facebook had been analyzing user behavior following break-ups. Days ago Facebook also analyzed user behavior before and shortly after entering a relationship. Which is great, because Facebook wants to hear more about your relationships than your best friend who never stops talking about herself!

3 Other Topics We Would Like To See Facebook Analyze

1. Behavior of users after five years of marriage. Forget the honeymoon period of new relationships – we want to know how many people are “working late” at their “office” messaging their high school “friends” whose houses they will later use Facebook at. And then we want to say: “Hey peeps, get out of that situation and rekindle the romance in your marriage by giving your spouse the appropriate five-year anniversary gift: wood. Nothing says ‘rekindle’ like forest-fresh ‘kindling!'”

2. What kind of things are drunk people doing on Facebook? This one requires analyzing whether the person is sending messages late at night in poorly typed English that make less sense than the typical grammatically incorrect, instant messages younger users may send. Oh, who are you kidding, Facebook, you don’t need computer analysts to tell you what drunk people are doing on Facebook. Just find pictures of any college kids who were smart enough to set their profile to private, but then accidentally set it to public when they were drunk, trying to scroll through their iPhone.

3. How do people interact with Facebook when they suddenly remove an employer? We’d wager this graph will look a lot like the person-who-got-dumped graph, featuring elevated usage. Unless the employer confiscated the company smart phone, in which case we’d further wager usage falls during normal business hours, since they have no phone to message their friends all day like before they got fired for messaging their friends all day.*

*We like wagering! We’re sure Russia will destroy Finland in Olympic hockey, live on TV, tonight!

Categories: Mildly Bad News

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