iPhone 5S Fingerprint Reader Reportedly Will Not Work With Severed Fingers, Just Like Congress Will Not Work With Republicans Severed Into Groups Of Tea-Partiers And Everyone Else.

As the iPhone 5S is currently being sold in parts of the world where it is September 20, 2013, future owners in North America may be able to sleep soundly tonight knowing (smart) thieves will not try to steal their fingers with the phone to unlock it.

Specifically, Mashable reports that the phone’s biometric reader only works with fingers attached to living human beings.

3 Questions That Arise From this Story

1. Does this mean that the phone will work for members of the House of Representatives? Do many of these people who want to try to vote down Obamacare no matter how many times it takes count as “human beings?” After all, if you are a robot, you probably don’t need human health care. Also, being programmed to try to vote down the same thing again and again, even if it means shutting down the government, and further reducing Congress’ popularity, and crashing the stock market, also might be a sign you’re a robot. Just not a very useful robot. Kind of an R2-D2 plastic action figure deal.

2. Speaking of politics, does the biometric reader read other body parts to identify you? More specifically, would it be able to identify you to the media if you accidentally posted these parts on Twitter using the phone? Dear Mr. Weiner: just please keep your phone in “airplane” mode at all times. Then the public can envision you in an airplane bound somewhere that is not D.C. or New York, or somewhere else for you to campaign.

3. “Still, staying on the topic of politics, if a thief, who is not so bright, cuts off my finger, and steals my phone, do Republicans want me to be able to get my finger reattached at the nearest hospital?” We’re sure Congress when answer this and all of your other hypothetical questions in a way that takes clear action in the 75 days ahead!

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Categories: Humor, Mildly Bad News, Politics

Tags: , , , , , , ,

4 replies

  1. Well-written, very amusing. I love the political humor on this blog! Thank you for sharing.

    Like

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