Are Satan’s Presidential Hopes In Jeopardy After “Vote Satan” Sign Stolen From Couple’s Lawn?

According to CBS News Denver, in a video report that can be viewed here, a Satanist couple from Mountainview, California, alleges that someone stole a “Vote Satan” sign from their home.

Interestingly, thieves didn’t touch other items decorating their yard, including black Christmas trees, skulls, and other stuff you can probably buy at Wal-mart for major discounts the days after Halloween and Christmas.

Based on research by the Toronto Sun, Satanists don’t believe in the devil, or stealing for that matter. The Sun further reports:

“But they encourage vengeance, being unkind to people who don’t deserve kindness, and treating annoying guests ‘cruelly and without mercy.‘”

So it appears this incident won’t affect the devil’s chance of election, although raising funds through a gala fundraising campaign party may be tricky if potentially annoying party guests become aware of the above policy. Anyway, as the alleged thieves may worry about the potential repercussions, including facing potential criminal charges, here are three worse things to steal from Satanists’ lawns.

1. The actual lawn. Especially if it’s at a house party, because that puts you in the double-whammy “annoying guest” category. It takes forever to re-sod or re-seed a lawn!

2. A polling station next to a “Vote Satan” sign. In case someone with proper identification indicating their name is Satan showed up on Tuesday, November 6, 2012, mistakenly thinking this was the place for everyone legally named “Satan” to exercise their rights to vote, they might be pretty disappointed to learn they drove all the way from Hell’s Kitchen, New York to Mountainview, California for nothing.

3. The Travelocity Gnome. This one’s tricky because you don’t know whether this world-travelling gnome is considered by its owners to be an “annoying guest,” in which case you’d be potentially doing them a favor. But even if you were doing them a favor, you’d be stealing, which they might frown upon, making the gnome, perhaps the ultimate item to just leave on their lawn until it roams off to its next commercial in Paris.

Categories: Crime

Tags: , , , , , , , ,

2 replies

  1. There was a guy named Satan on the Boston Bruins hockey team. But he was a Slovak, so he would not be eligible to win anyway. I think the actual Satan may have the same birth certificate problem.


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