3 Uses For Your Mummified 14-Year-Old $5,000+ Hamburger

Yesterday, we wrote about a Utah man who turned down an offer of $5,000 for a 14-year-old mummified McDonald’s hamburger he found in his pocket.

On our comments board, funny blogger Twissblog wrote:

“My question is–now that he hasn’t sold it, what’s he going to do with it? Put it on display? Donate it to a museum?”

Thanks for your question! Obviously, there are only three options here:

3 Uses For Your Mummified 14-Year-Old $5,000+ Hamburger

1. Put it in the Bill Clinton Presidential Library since the hamburger was made when Clinton was President; Clinton loved hamburgers before becoming a vegetarian; and all the latest Presidential Library conservative “red meat” is headed to the George W. Bush Presidential Library, scheduled to open May 1.

Which one of these doesn't decompose after 14 years in tropical Utah, again?

Which one of these doesn’t decompose after 14 years in tropical Utah, again?

2. Put it in a mummy outfit to create a new McMummy McDonald’s character to scare off the Hamburglar once and for all. We don’t suggest using toilet paper to make the mummy costume, because that may remind people of E. coli bacteria, commonly found in hamburger meat that has gone bad, instead of just chillin’ out and not rotting for 14 years.

3. Sell it to the highest bidding lottery winner as soon as possible! Because, as we wrote earlier this week, lottery winners like to waste money on extravagant things, and are likely to go broke within seven years. This means they are unlikely to ever acquire their own new hamburger to age for 14 years until it is worth $5,000, as they will have to sell the asset off during bankruptcy proceedings after a mere 7 years. So let them enjoy 14-year-old aged McLuxury while they can afford it, now – they’re gonna waste the money anyway!

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Categories: Humor, Restaurants

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2 replies

  1. i baste them with Olive oil and garlic first. In the mlddie layer i put Ricotta cheese mixed with crushed garlic and chopped fresh spinach and top with zuchinni, then sauce, repeat and a final topping of Parmesan or your choice of cheese. Lettuce wraps with spicy thai ground pork with fried onions and garlic. i use red chilis, garlic, toasted sesame seeds and sesame oil to season the pork. Ground meat of your choice fried with cherry tomatoes cut in half and Zuchinni Salt and peper to taste topped with fresh chives and basil. Lions head soup basically ground pork mixed with green onions, an egg, sesame seed oil salt and pepper, rolled into meat balls, fry up half a head of Savoy cabbage in butter, and onions, and 2 cups of chicken broth and 2 cups of water, let come to a simmer put in the raw pork meatballs, let simmer covered for 30 mins or till pork meatball are fully cooked, we had ours topped with fresh cilantro, green onions and sesame oil. soya sauce would be good if u were feeling like a bit of a cheat For breakfasts we have been doing baked eggs in ham cups done in ramekins @ 350 degree oven topped with cheese of your choice and green onions, bake for 12 minutes, yolks are still runny at this point but whites are cooked. and different varations of this, have used bacon, salami, thuringer, added a ricotta creamy sauce on top etc this is just whats in my head from the last week

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