Blog Archives
It’s May, Which, Of Course Means, It’s Time To Ask Yourself: “Does My Dog Need A Tattoo?”
DNAinfo.com reports that New Yorkers everywhere are getting trendy tattoos for their dogs, often on the hindquarters, a.k.a. “tramp stamp” position.
Don’t worry, the tattoos are temporary, and from what we gather reading the article, also safe, unless your dog is generally stupid and tries to eat the tattoo and you got it somewhere that makes tattoos out of non-dog friendly ingredients, like rat poison.
So don’t get your dog a tattoo from a rat in a New York City subway.
3 Tattoos We Don’t Want To See On Dogs
1. Anything in Asian characters when the dog’s owner can’t read any Asian characters. Your dog especially will not be happy with a tattoo calling it a “power piglet,” which, incidentally, a real person who couldn’t read Asian characters unknowingly had inked on their body. Since your dog can’t read Asian characters either, chances are, best case scenario, it will feel the same way when others who can read Kanji mock it walking down the street. Worst case scenario: you have a super-genius dog who will be able to read it, and enjoy Sunday drives by the pork-rendering plant far less.
2. IKEA product assembly instructions. As we frequently report, these are not fun to read, especially when you are trying to get your dog to sit still while assembling a cat bathtub to remove the temporary tattoo your cat likes less than the bath you plan on giving it.
3. IKEA meat product labels. As we also frequently write, these aren’t always reportedly accurate. Come, on, how can you confuse “elk” with “pork?” (Tattoo artists who permanently put words like “power piglet” on human bodies need not answer this one.)
Man Resigns From Job On A Cake! We Hope The Job Wasn’t Helping Illiterate Robot Bosses Operate A Cake Assembly Line!
Yahoo reports that a man who calls himself “Mr. Cake” sent a letter of resignation to his recent employer written in icing on a cake.
So for all of you people who have been calling yourselves “Ms. Angry Email,” or “Mr. Thirty-Page-Letter-Explaining-Why-Nobody-Appreciates-My-Efforts,” it looks like you have new competition in the job-quitting-creativity business.
Fortunately, you don’t have competition with Mr. Cake in the job-searching business as his letter indicated he wants to sell more cakes at his own business.
3 Other Places We’d Like To See Employees Write Resignations
1. Using atoms on a microscope slide. This is a fun way to let your employer you know exactly how nanotechnology works, and while they have eyes focused on the microscope, you can deliver a second notice of resignation on a…
2. Vanity License Plate. As your boss sees your tires squeal as you race off into the distance, your “I QUIT” license plate will confirm the message delivered by the atoms. And if you get a speeding ticket, the unsympathetic officer who refused to let you off the hook on your bad day might write “I QUIT” on the ticket, causing him to inadvertently lose his job!
3. Parking Tickets. If you are a parking officer and write “I QUIT” on every ticket, all kinds of people will know you quit, and know to fight the tickets because you will not show up for Court. And it’s a good thing you quit, because the person who gets summonsed to court because they have a hundred tickets from one day because they thought an “I QUIT” vanity plate would get them off the hook for tickets, would likely be very mad at you if you were at Court!
Because You Demanded It: 3 Democrat Robots We’d Like To See
Yesterday, when writing about robots potential near-future roles in the services industry, we commented on 3 Robot Politicians we’d like to see. Blogger IndyTony astutely noticed that the 3 politicians we wrote about happened to be Republicans.
As the only robot in politics we’ve ever known was a Republican called the Governator, we just assumed that it was common knowledge, based on box office results, that more people liked to see Republican robots. But for those of you out there who want to see robots from the other side of the aisle, here are 3:
1. Harry Reid. Like all liquid metal robots, this robot is virtually indestructible, so it is less likely to spend time introducing an amendment to any proposed gun control legislation for an assault weapons ban, and more likely to introduce legislation to ban something far more dangerous to robots: vats-of-molten-metal-in-factories!
2. Anthony Weiner. Like all well-engineered robots that can be replicated using 3D printers, this particular robot has no genitals, meaning it can Tweet pictures of whatever robotic parts it wants without any danger of political ramifications!
3. Joe Biden. This virtual assistant robot makes the occasional gaffe, just like Apple’s virtual assistant, Siri. Which one will tell you you’re in Iowa when you’re really in Ohio? We eagerly await the answer from Consumer Reports!
3 More Examples Of Quality American Infrastructure To Improve Its D+ Rating
Yesterday we wrote about how the American Society of Civil Engineers gave America’s infrastructure a D+ rating in an annual ranking of infrastructure such as ports, rail, and solid waste. And congratulations, Solid Waste, you achieved the highest grade in the study at B-!
We suggested the engineers rate other, less conventional forms of infrastructure to help raise the overall grade. Here are 3 more “A+” worthy infrastructure categories we recommend grading!
1. Lobbiest infrastructure. This powerful group of individuals are able to convince lawmakers to enact laws that the majority of Americans don’t want, and convince the majority of Americans to phone their members of Congress telling them they want laws against their own interests! Do you like writing your blog on a lap top? Of course you don’t. You demand a return to quills, ink, and typewriters! And when you publicly demand these things dressed as a Town Crier, you will blend right in with the other Tea Party members.
2. Free Infrastructure From Canada. When Canada said to the people of Michigan it wanted to build a brand new international bridge at Canada’s expense, crossing the Detroit River, to ease congestion on the privately-owned Ambassador Bridge, 40% of Michigan voters said “no thanks” to free infrastructure! Have you ever been to Detroit? Would you ever expect anyone would be fussy about what kind of free infrastructure somebody wanted to put there? Maybe someone said, “If the price is free, we demand more crumbly, boarded-up half-buildings!” Fortunately, despite significant advertising against the bridge, free infrastructure won out, which is why it deserves an A+!
3. Corporate Infrastructure. This invisible infrastructure is so strong that it is able to assure everyone that it functions best with no regulation, but when the occasional malfunction occurs, due to lack of regulation, it is able to assure everyone that their bailout of the corporation was the best option.
3 Worse Show-And-Tell Presentations Than The Kid Who Brought $20,000 In Cash To School
Detroit’s 7 Action News reports that a 12-year-old brought a backpack full of $20,000 in cash to school, and started handing it out to classmates in what Yahoo news describes as “quite the show-and-tell.”
Which is quite true, because school officials did show and tell details about the incident to the police, who confiscated all of the money until they are provided with a reasonable explanation as to where the money came from! (The girl got the money from a friend, whose family has been asked to provide the explanation.)
And speaking of Show and Tell, today’s WordPress Daily Prompt challenges bloggers with the following:
“You’ve been asked to do a five-minute presentation to a group of young schoolchildren on the topic of your choice. Describe your presentation.”
Three Worse Show And Tell Presentations For Detroit School Kids Than A Free Money Presentation
1. “Why Not To Be A News Reporter In Detroit.” The presentation would begin with the real 7 Action News Story where the reporter tells the anchor that $20,000 is more cash than either of them are likely to see at once in their life time. The presentation would continue with video of Bill O’Reilly yelling at people. Then, time for a Newsweek chart showing Bill O’Reilly’s 2010 estimated income of $20 million, a math equation showing that’s 1,000 times more than $20,000, and then a Bill O’Reilly impersonation where Bill explains to the students his theory that the Detroit reporter will never see $20,000 because the Obama administration has overtaxed her by that amount, regardless of what she really makes.
2. “Reasonable Explanations Of Where You Got $20,000 in Cash So The Police Will Give You Your Money Back.” This presentation would show photos of Detroit’s three casinos, and then show 4 minutes of the Kevin Spacey film “21,” which was about counting cards.
3. “Bad Explanations of Where You Got $20,000.” This 8-mile, rap battle format presentation would include explanations such as:
- Gambling under the age of 21 after just seeing the movie “21″
- Selling drugs and stealing copper wires from the police station
- From the fancy 3-D printing machine in the basement!
TSA Reportedly Will Stick By Its Decision To Allow Knives On Planes, So Now You Can Cut The Meat In Your Imaginary Domestic Airline Meal!
CNN reports that despite criticism from flight attendants, airlines, and members of Congress, the Chief of the Transportation Security Administration, John Pistole, stands by his decision to permit certain knives on commercial planes beginning next month.
Because, you know, having the knife you brought with you to the airport confiscated almost 12 years after 9/11 because you had no clue that knives were not allowed on planes, because you’ve never flown on a plane, never watched news about air travel, and never saw the signs at the security check indicating “no knives,” is such a hassle!
3 Other People Who May Be Unhappy With This Decision
1. John Pistole. His last name is Italian for “guns”, which are far more powerful than knives, and all anyone keeps asking him about is little knives, refusing to recognize the importance of his name in gun circles! Mamma Mia!
2. The people who make signs of things not to flush down airport toilets will now presumably have to add another item, since if you think bringing a knife on a plane is a good idea, you may also think flushing it down the plane’s toilet is a good idea.
There’s no room for a knife in this image, requiring an entire redesign!
3. Any screenwriter who spent seven years completing a spec sequel to “Snakes On A Plane,” assuming there would never be knives on a commercial plane to stab the snakes with. Time for another rewrite!
Head Of British State Recovers From Stomach Flu… Right When We Accept A Challenge To Avoid Certain Letters Of The Alphabet.
WordPress’ Daily Prompt challenged bloggers today to write an entry without using a letter of the alphabet.
“Feeling really brave? Make it a vowel!”
Let’s see… merely to tell you that we’re accepting this challenge, we’ve used the letters a, e, i, o, u, and sometimes y. In other words, “Make it a vowel, but you can’t tell anyone the rules.”
That’s okay, we’ll write this entire entry without using the first letter of a popular submarine sandwich chain, and the last letter of a popular alphabet, which is also a letter in the name of the submarine sandwich chain.
And since we’ve been writing so much about fast food restaurants lately, we also won’t use the first letter of a hamburger chain that currently has a burger called the “Hot Mess” on its web page, which features a kind of pepper, that we are also not allowed to use because it starts with the same letter as the chain.
Now, that you 100% know what three letters we’re avoiding, here’s the latest news!
The LA Times reports that the Head Of State For The United Kingdom, whom we cannot name, because her name contains two of the forbidden letters, recovered from a stomach flu, and left a British hospital today.
3 Ways A British Monarch Could Pass The Time While Recovering From The Flu
1. Playing “Words With Friends.” But not the fun kind with the ten-point letters, that we coincidentally are not allowed to use in this blog entry!
2. Buying tickets online to this summer’s “Legends Of The Summer” tour, featuring two headliners: a rap star and a pop star/movie star, whom we can’t mention here. And even if we could recite lyrics of the rap star, we might have to censor his words using symbols like *. Coincidentally, the asterisk was part of the pop/movie star’s former band’s name!
3. Playing solitaire with special cards with all family members on the face cards. But not playing poker with family members, because it will get really confusing when everybody’s face is on the cards and the money.
Forget Jedi Mind Melds, Blackberry Z10 Can Tell You What You’re Thinking
Not The Worst News just tested the new Blackberry Z10, which lacks the physical keyboard that has made Blackberry so popular among 70-year-old former typewriter-ribbon-manufacturing-executives.
Trying to type “this is a test” on the text messaging app lead to something like “thbsijk eitnz ein berliner.”
Fortunately, the helpful clerk at the Canadian telecommunications store pointed out that if you swipe upward, the device will actually predict words that you may want to type.
So swipey swipey, take 2! And the predictive keyboard predicted the following sentence:
“This is terrible.”
3 Worse Things A Smart Phone Could Display Than “This Is Terrible”
1. The entire movie “This is 40.” Forget how bad the movie is, and consider that $40,000 is what you may have just paid to your data provider to watch the movie if you were roaming in the Dominican Republic.
2. Angry birds literally pecking their way out of the glass from inside the phone like the movie the Birds. Why are the birds so angry? Because new technology prevents them from attacking people in phone booths.
3. Anything other than “This is a test,” because if people are going in a store to test a phone, we’ll put our money on that’s what they will write, without investing in any fancy predictive language algorithms or artificial intelligence technology.
Ad For Tonight’s Oscars Costs More Than Used Toyota Tercel
CNBC reports that a commercial during tonight’s Academy Awards will cost between $1.65 million and $1.80 million for 30 seconds.
3 Worse Things You Could Waste $1.65 Million On
1. Half a viewing of the movie Gone In 60 Seconds. Why is a movie about something being gone in 60 seconds 118 minutes long? Answer: like anything starring Nicholas Cage: who cares?
2. Any number of DVD episodes of the Family Guy. Sorry Seth McFarlane, we know you dish out the hilarious insults when you host roasts on Comedy Central, but let’s face it, Family Guy is the Simpsons without Springfield, Disco Stu, and original humor. Fortunately, when you host tonight’s Oscars, Meryl Streep and Jack Nicholson jokes are easier to write than a song about the Stonecutters’ Club.
3. Meryl Streep and Jack Nicholson jokes. Hey, someone’s gotta pay something to write these for tonight’s oscars. And as long as they’re jokes about Meryl Streep playing the best Mrs. Doubtfire ever in Julie and Julia, we agree!
P.S. Julie Powell, this blog is approaching your 365-consecutive-day record, and we’re producing all-original-comedic material!
