Blog Archives
Sorry For The Confusion, Ma’am, But It’s Not Called “American Idol Airlines!”
When people follow us, we try to follow back* and read their blogs. And today, we were quite pleased to see a news story from Ken Hegan, who reported for MSN that an American Airlines jet from LAX to JFK had to make an emergency landing… because a woman wouldn’t stop singing Whitney Houston songs. So check out the original link, because it features a passenger-shot video of the incident, with the woman singing “I Will Always Love You.”
3 Worse Artists A Passenger Could Imitate On A Plane, Forcing You To Waste Time During An Emergency Landing
1. Dolly Parton. Not only would you have to endure “I Will Always Love You,” which Parton actually wrote, but if the passenger was behaving this way due to too much alcohol before boarding the plane, you can certainly expect a request that you play the role of Kenny Rogers in a karaoke duet of “Islands In The Stream.” Not only would this be the wrong time for this sort of social behavior, singing about islands in streams is totally inappropriate when flying out of LAX over the Nevada desert!
2. Nickelback. There is never a right time for singing Nickelback, including at Nickelback concerts, even if you are on stage, and you’re Nickelback.
3. Don McLean. Singing his hit “American Pie,” which is about other great musicians dying in a plane crash is hardly going to be a crowd-pleaser on a flight. Especially if other drunken passengers join in singing hits from Buddy Holly, Ritchie Valens, and the Big Bopper. And if some drunk teenager re-enacts the pie scene from the movie American Pie, in response, you have a reason for once to be happy your flight is not serving any dessert trays.
*If we didn’t follow you back, it’s because WordPress only shows the latest new followers, and we missed your follow notification, so blame the machines!
Honey, Delta Is Shrinking The Bathrooms!
NBC News reports that Delta Airlines is planning on reducing the size of some economy class bathrooms to add more seats in an area behind the sinks.
3 Worse Things An Airline Can Change In Size
1. Honey, I Shrunk The Passengers! Shrinking passengers may seem like the best way to increase capacity, until they arrive at your destination, and the shrinking machine is broken, and the relatively giant-sized drug sniffing dogs start licking them!
2. Honey, I Shrunk The Passengers and the Plane! Hmmm…. Seems you don’t really understand relativity, as you can still only fit the same number of passengers on the plane. The good news is that the trip from Cincinnati to Appleton, Wisconsin will only take a teaspoon of jet fuel if you filled up the plane after shrinking it. The bad news is the trip will take three years, assuming there’s no wind.
3. Honey, I Increased the Size of All Crying Babies! Have you considered working outside the airline industry and moving to the Rick Moranis plot rip-off industry?
Walmart Delivers A Delivery Idea Full Of Potential Comedy!
Reuters reports that Walmart is considering a plan where its customers will deliver goods to online shoppers in return for some sort of discount.
So maybe on some future Easter weekend, you can have someone featured on People of Walmart entertain your kids far more than any Easter Bunny delivering chocolate eggs.
3 More People A Discount Chain Could Consider Having Deliver Stuff To Your Home
1. Chinese factory workers. They probably manufactured whatever you’re buying, so why not see if they will ship electronics and everything else you buy directly to your door, while they get a “free” vacation? Oh, we forgot to mention they will be staying at your place for three months.
2. Walmart greeters. Imagine opening your front door to the words “Welcome To Walmart.”
“This isn’t Walmart, it’s my home!”
“Not any more,” will say the greeter, who will greet your neighbors as they enter an impromptu garage sale.
3. Walmart smiley faces. If you see one of these at your door, perhaps you didn’t order groceries and new outerwear, but rather more illicit drugs from your dealer.
FAA May Allow iPads On Plane Takeoffs, So Now You May Be Able To Buy A Digital Knife In Farmville In Flight, To Accompany The Real Knife You May Be Allowed To Bring On The Plane
The New York Times reports that the Federal Aviation Authority is considering allowing the use of iPads and Kindles during takeoff and landing of commercial flights.
From the article:
“the F.A.A. permits passengers to use electric razors and audio recorders during all phases of flight, even though those give off more electronic emissions than reading tablets.”
Really? There are people shaving on commercial flights?
3 Phases Of A Commercial Aircraft Flight We Do Not Want To See People Shaving.
1. The fifth hour of a red-eye flight when we want to get some sleep!
2. During takeoff. “Takeoff” does not mean take off that beard you’ve spent the past five years growing, as a mountain of hair falls on our laps.
3. While making the worst audio-recording ever: “The sweet sounds of an airplane landing while I shave my crying baby’s head.”
We’re Actually Beginning To Wish We Had More Tom Cruise News and Less Carnival Cruise News!
CNN reports that just days after Carnival Cruise Lines announced it is flying passengers to Florida from a malfunctioning ship in St. Maarten, a different Carnival cruise ship is experiencing technical difficulties that is affecting its speed. That’s four Carnival ships with problems in a month, says CNN!
3 Ways To Kill Time If You Are Ever Delayed On A Cruise Ship
1. Watch classic episodes of the Love Boat on your iPad. In those days a crew of seven could solve three romantic dilemmas in just an hour, including commercials, and still have time to steer the ship, while one bartender served drinks to everyone on board!
2. Play Carnival Cruise Ship Bingo! Just put the names of all the Carnival Cruise Ships in random order on a Bingo Card, and put pieces of popcorn on each name if a ship malfunctions!
3. Maybe it’s a good thing you’re stuck on a cruise ship. Search the entire vessel for clues of couples of every species of animal in the world assembled two-by-two. Did you find a pair of giraffes mating? Maybe a panda? What? Nothing but seagulls? Abort your mission! They’ll steal your last pieces of popcorn!
TSA Reportedly Will Stick By Its Decision To Allow Knives On Planes, So Now You Can Cut The Meat In Your Imaginary Domestic Airline Meal!
CNN reports that despite criticism from flight attendants, airlines, and members of Congress, the Chief of the Transportation Security Administration, John Pistole, stands by his decision to permit certain knives on commercial planes beginning next month.
Because, you know, having the knife you brought with you to the airport confiscated almost 12 years after 9/11 because you had no clue that knives were not allowed on planes, because you’ve never flown on a plane, never watched news about air travel, and never saw the signs at the security check indicating “no knives,” is such a hassle!
3 Other People Who May Be Unhappy With This Decision
1. John Pistole. His last name is Italian for “guns”, which are far more powerful than knives, and all anyone keeps asking him about is little knives, refusing to recognize the importance of his name in gun circles! Mamma Mia!
2. The people who make signs of things not to flush down airport toilets will now presumably have to add another item, since if you think bringing a knife on a plane is a good idea, you may also think flushing it down the plane’s toilet is a good idea.
There’s no room for a knife in this image, requiring an entire redesign!
3. Any screenwriter who spent seven years completing a spec sequel to “Snakes On A Plane,” assuming there would never be knives on a commercial plane to stab the snakes with. Time for another rewrite!
Jeff Zucker Off To Good Start At CNN, Which Stands For “Cat News Network,” Right?
Today’s CNN.com U.S. edition homepage features a section entitled “What The Internet Is For,” featuring three, and only three, thumbnails you can click on:
- Grumpy Cat,
- Happy Cat, and
- Fat Cat.
We applaud CNN, as we here at Not The Worst News started the year with cat news, and never looked back! (click on the previous hyperlinks for cat news you may have missed!)
CNN has nailed exactly what the internet is for, and so we naturally clicked on “Grumpy Cat,” a tale of an internet sensation with its own feline web site, visiting the South By Southwest Festival.
One woman came all the way from Australia to see the cat.
3 Worse Things To Travel From Australia To Austin To See
1. Abstinent bats, because Austin’s Congress Avenue Bridge has at least thousands of pregnant bats you can watch fly from under the bridge at dusk. If an Australian really wanted to see pregnant bats, they could have stayed at home and watched The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part I.
2. A Chiroptophobia convention. It means “fear of bats,” so holding the convention under the bridge may not be a good idea.
3. Coyote Ugly Austin. Again, the Australian could have stayed home and seen the movie, Coyote Ugly, to see what kind of work John Goodman used to do when he wasn’t in top movies of the year like Argo and Flight.
Now Best Buy Wants Some Employees To Stop Working From Home… So The Geek Squad Will Finally Be Leaving Your Basement!
Just a week after we wrote about Yahoo ending its work-from-home program, CNN reports Best Buy is now ending its work at home-program for employees whose managers don’t want them to work from home.
3 Companies We’d Like To See Allow Their Employees Work From Home
1. Home Depot. Finding a ladder to grab some baseboard from a multi-storey shelf requires so much effort! With a work-at-home program, not only would Home Depot add some street cred to its homey-ness, but ripping baseboard off the employee’s apartment walls would reduce the risk of falling!
2. American Airlines. Now that we’re seeing all these ads about a newer, better airline, we think the pilot’s living room would make a more comfortable cabin. Especially since we know computers are just flying the plane anyway, so why not enjoy playing computer games on the pilot’s Wii in his own living room with him en route to Shanghai?
3. Fox News. We don’t know where some of the more vocal anchors live, but Fox and Friends would be far more entertaining if someone started banging on the ceiling, yelling “Pipe down, down there! I can barely hear this Home Depot customer removing all of the baseboards from my walls!”
IMDB Profile Says Canadian Actor Moving To U.S., Actor Apparently Unable To Convince U.S. Border Guards Otherwise
According to CTV, a Canadian actor named Chad Rook, who has appeared in a TV show called Supernatural, has been banned from the United States for five years after trying to cross the border.
From the article:
“Rook initially told officers he was traveling to L.A. for a vacation and to meet with family and friends.”
Apparently he wasn’t convincing in his role of “an actor traveling to L.A. for a vacation.”
Because U.S. Customs alleged in a letter that he was “…intending on setting up residence in L.A. to find work as an actor…”
A message board poster using the name “Locode” pointed out in the article’s comment section that the actor’s IMDB bio said the following:
“Chad is relocating to Los Angeles in early 2013 to help span his acting career even further.”
We don’t know when the bio was written, but perhaps it’s time for someone to edit it, to reflect his current situation!
3 Ironic Things About This News Story
1. The actor’s last name is “Rook,” the same name of the chess piece which is difficult to travel anywhere early in the game with so many pieces blocking it.
2. He also starred in a movie entitled “Sleepover Nightmare” that was produced in Canada, which was released in the United States. So his 3.2-out-of-10 rated-on-IMDB-movie is allowed in the U.S., when he is not, which may be somewhat of a nightmare for him at his next sleepover-movie-watching-party, which may have to take place over Facetime.
3. He also appeared in the TV show Alcatraz, making him one of the few people in history who may want to get into Alcatraz, but cannot!
You’re More Likely To Get Injured By A Toilet Than Bitten By A Shark
CNN reports that in 1996, toilets injured 43,000 Americans. In contrast, last year 53 Americans were attacked by sharks, the highest level since the year 2000.
And you thought it was embarrassing when you dropped your iPhone in the toilet!
3 More Embarrassing Ways To Injure Yourself
1. Severe paper-cut from reviewing legal papers to launch frivolous lawsuit for injuring yourself on the toilet.
2. Shark biting off back of your Speedo while telling attractive woman on the beach about the unlikelihood of getting bitten by a shark versus getting injured on a toilet.
3. Losing fight to San Jose Shark mascot in men’s room at HP Pavilion after demanding shark refund you after your HP computer crashed in the middle of writing your blog.
