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Swedish Newspapers: Always The Place We Can Find The Most Current Breaking News!
The Local reports that the Swedish National Tax Agency has declared a lumberjack who has been missing for 102 years to be dead. If alive, he would have been 139 years old, which would be older than the oldest person recorded in human history, who incidentally died at age 122.
Way to keep on top of things, Sweden!
3 More Things We Wonder If Sweden Will Declare To Be Dead
1. IKEA breakfast. Because now that McDonald’s may be moving into the all-day-breakfast market, people will no longer have to travel miles to pretend they want to buy furniture to get cheap eggs, that they ironically could have gotten for even less money if they splurged on a fridge from IKEA.
2. Jokes about IKEA on this web site! Although we’d wager furniture stores that sell food are more likely to recall the joke for being mislabelled as “elk meat” than actually declare the joke to be dead.
3. Disco. Sure, the rest of the world might have been saying “Disco’s Dead” around the 1980s, but we understand, Sweden, you had your major export ABBA to protect. It’s okay!
Swedes Ain’t Afraid Of No Ghosts, Which May Be Why They Punch Them In The Stomachs!
The Local reports that working as a ghost in a Stockholm theme-park fun-house is ironically not so fun.
Apparently, when workers dressed as ghosts scare patrons, they have been known to punch the ghosts in their stomachs. And that’s just what happens when the patrons aren’t intoxicated!
Good news! The theme park now has added protection for its ghost workers: they scare the patrons behind protective barriers.
Yeah, we know what you’re thinking: that doesn’t sound very scary. But don’t let your disappointment cause you to punch some innocent other Swedish employee in the stomach.
3 More Entities We Advise Not Punching In The Stomach
1. Real ghosts. You’re just going to antagonize them further and probably punch a hole in your wall, which will make the house harder to sell, if it ever returns to pre-subprime-bust, pre-ghost-haunting prices.
2. Aliens. If you ever wake up from a dream, paralyzed with fear because an alien is standing over you, don’t punch it. Because you may be hallucinating and having what science calls “sleep paralysis.” So you couldn’t whoop E.T.’s butt even if you wanted to reenact your favorite scene from Independence Day!
3. The cartoon man in the IKEA instructions. Having holes in your instructions will not help you assemble your anti-ghost-punching barrier (formerly known as a “bookshelf-made-of-paper-and-cardboard.”)
IKEA Not Recalling Horse Meat This Time!
As we recently wrote, horse DNA was found in “beef” in the Czech Republic intended for IKEA meatballs.
The good news is no horse DNA was involved in the-latest-furniture-store-recall-of-food!
The less-good news is QMI News Agency reports that IKEA has stopped selling almond cakes in its restaurants in 23 countries over “concerns they may contain fecal matter.”
The better news is IKEA says these cakes never reached their stores.
The less-good news is the problem was discovered when Chinese customs officials reportedly intercepted the batch of cakes. That’s right, when China, the land of lead toys, says your food products may not be fit for consumption, you may want to re-evaluate your choice of food suppliers.
3 Other Things We Would Not Like To See Inadvertently In Almond Cakes
1. Peanuts. Every kid is allergic to those! And even for the kids who are not allergic, almond is not exactly going to be a fan favorite for cake flavor at a birthday party over “ice cream” cakes, especially when half the kids at the party are playing “Pin-the-EpiPen-on-the-donkey.”
2. Newspaper clippings of the comic strip, Peanuts! “Good grief,” we imagine Charlie Brown would be saying in the comic strip, and about being mistakenly included in almond cakes.
3. IKEA instructions of how to assemble almond cakes. We’re sure this has a diagram of a happy stick man washing his hands, and also sure that the instructions would indicate not to leave the instructions in the almond cakes when complete.
Swedish Police Confuse Video Game Sounds With Crime Scene… This Never Would Have Happened If They Were Playing Mr. Do!
The Local reports that a group of teenagers in Sweden playing the video game Call Of Duty in an apartment, got an unexpected surprise when the police raided their flat after passers-by phoned in reports of gunfire and cries for help.
3 Worse Reasons For A Swedish Swat Team To Bust Into Your Apartment
1. Giant shadow of Absolut Vodka on your apartment’s blinds looks like the monster B.O.B. from Monsters vs. Aliens.
2. Improperly assembled IKEA knife rack arouses neighbors’ suspicion by throwing knives. (You put the knives in the toaster, which clearly wasn’t in the IKEA instructions, which you may have noticed if you hadn’t drunk too much Absolut vodka.)
3. Chef from Muppets disobeying local by-laws by keeping live chickens in an urban residential dwelling.
Skydiving cats.
CNN reports people are angry after a Swedish insurance company commercial featured skydiving cats.
“As if anyone would buy insurance so their cats could skydive,” we thought, knowing for that reason and only that reason the ad must be fake.
Through the miracle of technology, the cats weren’t actually skydiving, but through the other miracle of technology, people assumed whatever they saw online was real, no matter how ridiculous.
3 Additional Unrealistic Things Involving Cats To Not Get Angry About
1. Rappin’ cats. MC Skat Kat is just a cartoon character, folks.
2. Cats singing the Meow Mix jingle. We’re not gonna fact check, but rather assume this never really happened.
3. Cats playing keyboards. Again, no reason to get angry, unless you’re the guy in this link being taunted by keyboard cat.
Swedish Town Considers Curfew For Rooster
According to the Local, a Swedish town is considering a curfew for a rooster, due to complaints from neighbors. Specifically, it is being proposed that the animal be kept indoors from 7pm to 9 am.
Hey, if there’s anywhere in the world that it’s tough to be a rooster, it’s Sweden, land of the Midnight Sun for half the year, where it’s always the crack of dawn, and time to wake up the neighbors.
3 Worse Curfews To Impose In Sweden
1. No IKEA furniture assembly between 9 am and 7 pm. The only thing more frustrating than assembling IKEA furniture is being forced to do it when your neighbor’s rooster is outside and won’t shut up about you assembling those drawers backwards.
2. No teenagers outside after dark. Which is basically six months a year in the north of Sweden. But, Swedish teens, if you are going to post a million kronor worth of receipts on Rich Kids Of Instagram for the Broadway production of Mamma Mia, you kind of deserve to get grounded.
3. No cool-looking 1970s or 1980s Volvos allowed out ever. (note this one is already in full effect).
Sixth Grade Class Picture Mysteriously Has Third Eye Appear On Girl’s Forehead
According to the Local, a photography company has no explanation of how a third eye mysteriously appeared on a girl’s forehead in a school class picture taken in Sweden.
From the news story:
“He [the head of the photography company] explained that when students in school pictures have their eyes closed, the company ‘in emergency situations’ sometimes retouches the images by digitally cutting and pasting an eye from another student in the picture.
Yes, in Sweden if your eyes close when the flash goes off in that class photo, they’ll just superimpose someone else’s eyes, so hopefully it’s not the bloodshot eyes of a stoner photographer, whose magical camera inserts psychedelic eyes randomly into photos.
The good news is the girl was paid 1,500 Swedish Kronor as compensation for the incident, which is about $225 U.S.
3 Worse Things The Girl Could Have Been Given As Compensation In This Incident
1. $225 in U.S. one dollar bills, because it sure would have added insult to injury to receive 225 images of the Eye of Providence reminding her of the incident every time she tried to buy a $1 breakfast at IKEA for the next 32 weeks.
2. Third Eye Blind’s latest album. In addition to reminding the girl about the incident, it’s really been downhill for the band since their number-one hit Semi-Charmed Life, and based on our opinion of that song, the hill they started on was the bottom of Lombard Street in their home town of San Francisco.
3. IKEA instructions to assemble chairs for a class photo, with a third extra bolt at the top of each chair (extra bolt not included to add to the frustration when the chair is assembled backwards).
Thousands Of Swedes Pay Fake Fine After Receiving Letter Saying They Downloaded Porn
The Local reported today that thousands of Swedish residents have paid a fake fine after receiving letters in the mail saying they downloaded porn.
3 Worse Things Swedish Residents Could Pay A Fake Fine For
1. The instruction on page 17 of how to assemble an IKEA dresser could say to pay a fine for assembling the dresser with the drawers upside down. Read the rest of this entry
Swedish “Sexy Sausage” Ad Removed After Protests… Which Leads To Protest That The Ad Was Removed!
This is the kind of thing people protest in European countries that don’t use the Euro these days!
As we first wrote here, according to the Local, a “sexy” ad for a sausage, in which a woman’s lips are tightly wrapped around a sausage in a bun, caused a controversy at a Swedish hot dog stand. Since then, the Local reported that the ad has been removed.
This has lead to a local woman protesting the removal of the ad! The woman was specifically protesting that the town was spending money employing a gender expert, who believed the hot dog cart ad may discourage people from moving to the town.
“Everyone’s protesting everything we do! Let’s discretely roll out of Sweden!”
Whichever side of the fence our faithful Swedish and other readers fall on this issue, we think we can all agree that having anyone protesting that your job exists does not sound like a fun way to start each workday. Still it could be worse, as here are:
3 Worse Things Than Someone Protesting That You Have A Job Read the rest of this entry
