Blog Archives
Blast From the Past: Alleged Video Of Toronto Mayor Returns Relevance Of Phrase “Are You On Crack?!”
According to the Huffington Post, reports in the Toronto Star and Gawker indicate that sources at those media outlets have been offered a video of Toronto Mayor Rob Ford allegedly smoking a crack pipe.
3 Worse Things A Toronto Mayor Could Allegedly Be Caught Smoking In A Video
1. A crack pipe filled with crack and clippings from Toronto Star articles alleging he smoked from a crack pipe. Burning and smoking articles with bad publicity might seem like a good way to make the problem go away, if you were on crack, however in any other case it would be sadly ironic.
2. Money spent by the Toronto Blue Jays to try to buy a World Series team this year, that has so far lead to the worst team in the American League East. And crack. Because remember, this is an article about “worse” things he could be smoking than just crack!
3. A biography of former Washington, D.C. Mayor Marion Barry in a crack pipe with crack and broken glass. We haven’t read one and doubt the whole book would fit in a crack pipe. But we bet it would recommend against allegedly using cocaine-based products while in office. Either way: read biographies, don’t smoke them with crack, peeps!
If You Have Never Been Deported From A Country, You May Not Be Handsome.
Time reports that men visiting Saudi Arabia have been deported for being “too handsome!”
3 People Who Will Never Be Deported For Being Too Handsome
1. The captain of the college table tennis team who is totally sleeping with your girlfriend. And totally a citizen of your country. Thanks to you coaching him at table tennis and at citizenship tests. You really don’t have good luck, do you?
2. Former American pro-wrestler “Handsome” Johnny Barend. We don’t know how handsome he was, but we do know that he unfortunately is deceased, making deportation unlikely.
3. New York Islanders mascot, Sparky the Dragon. Whether you think this mascot is “handsome” or “ugly” one thing is certain: the Islanders are moving to Brooklyn, which if the mascot gets to go along can’t qualify as a “deportation” in our books! However, at Barclays Center, even an ugly mascot will look better than the silly sub-optimal-for-hockey-seating-chart!
I Lost My Wallet For 35 Years And All I Got Was This Lousy T-Shirt
The Sun reports that a British man has been reunited with the wallet he lost 35 years ago at a squash club.
The wallet was found in a wall cavity by builders apparently doing renovation work, which means that somebody either threw the wallet in the cavity after finding the wallet and stealing the money, or the man is really bad at squash.
Fortunately, the man got the following items back with his wallet: his “driving licence, gym and union membership cards, and a payment plan for a new TV.”
3 Worse Things A British Man Could Have Found In His Wallet That Was Lost For 35 Years
1. A British Edition Of TV Guide From 1978. What’s on TV? Coronation Street, all week? “Should I really have signed-up for the 35-year payment plan for my new TV to watch 35 years of Coronation Street on a 500 kilo tele,” the man might wonder in hindsight.
2. Instructions of How To Play Squash. Step one: do not get angry and throw your wallet into crevices in the wall when you aren’t winning the bet with your opponent- you will still have to pay the bet. Step two: do not bang your head against the wall in frustration leading to amnesia as to what you did with your wallet.
3. A gym membership that says: “Valid for 35 years unless you throw it in a crevice in our magnetic walls, in which case it’s void.” Add that to “inconveniencing everyone in line at airport security” as yet another reason not to fill your wallet with three pounds of pocket change!
Sometimes You Think You Bought A Poodle, But Really Bought A Rodent On Steroids…
The Daily Mail reports that a man in Argentina was surprised to find out that the two “two poodles” he bought at a bazaar were actually ferrets on steroids.
3 Worse Things You Could Buy When You Think You Are Buying Toy Poodles
1. Real poodles. It’s not your fault you didn’t know “toy” poodles weren’t actually toys, but it will be your fault when they start trashing your living room if your kid who you bought them for doesn’t feed them and take them out for walks.
2. Major League Baseball players on steroids. Not only will your child be disappointed for not getting a poodle, they will be more disappointed to learn that their hero is a steroid-using cheater!
3. Ferrets that are not on steroids. How are these pets ever gonna win the Ferret World Series? The good news is they still have a shot of getting into the Ferret Hall of Fame.
MLB Opening Night: Winning Texas Team Plays Other Texas Team That Lost Last Season, Its League, And Its Player Names!
Major League Baseball kicks off the 2013 season tonight with the Texas Rangers, who have made the playoffs three consecutive years, playing the Houston Astros, who had the worst record in baseball last year, winning just 55 out of 162 games.
The Astros move from the National League to the American League this year, meaning that if they do as well as last year, the can boast they finished last in two different leagues in back-to-back seasons!
Astros manager Bo Porter refused to allow players to wear jerseys with their names on the back during Spring Training, because the players had not earned the right to have names on their jerseys.
3 Potential Unintended Consequences Of Astros’ Players Not Having Names During Spring Training
1. This may lead to confusion on Opening Night, when nobody knows anybody’s name. And learning the names becomes more confusing when the players realize the team has two guys named Jose and two named Carlos on their opening roster. If Abbott and Costello were alive, this would have been the perfect time to perform their “Who’s On First” routine, rather than any other time since the 1930s, when the joke seems stale after about the first three minutes of yelling.
2. The players may confuse themselves with the “Horse With No Name” referred to in the song by the band America, and start racing each other on the field. Which for the Astros, may lead to a better outcome.
3. If this jersey confusion madness went too far, the Astros could forget their current team name, and show up in jerseys with their team name from 1962 to 1964: the Houston Colt .45s. Which could be a public relations nightmare on national TV during the middle of a national gun control debate! Fortunately, the odds of this happening are zero, which is slightly better than the odds of the Astros winning the World Series this season.
Baseball Player Traded For “Nothing” And We Mean Literally Nothing In Return!
Yahoo reports that the Philadelphia Phillies traded pitcher Mike Cisco to the Los Angeles Angels for nothing. This was not a waiver or release, and the Phillies received absolutely no cash compensation.
3 Worse Things To Receive In A Trade With The Angels Than Nothing
1. Actual Angels In The Outfield from the movie of the same name. Those invisible angels are such big cheaters that they’d likely cause a bigger scandal than the last steroid scandal, meaning nobody gets into the Hall of Fame for years to come!
2. Rude gestures from the Rally Monkey. This isn’t the 1980s movie “Every Which Way But Loose,” where acting legend Clint Eastwood brought the comedy by acting with a monkey, which may have seemed like a low point at the time, until Eastwood later started acting with chairs. We eagerly await Eastwood’s next movie: “Monkey Bars.” No monkeys. No chairs. Just an empty bar. And this time, it’s personal.
3. The part of the Angels team name that it is legally required to keep because it promised the City of Anaheim to keep the word “Anaheim” in its name. Hey visiting team fans, enjoy finding Citizens Bank Park on a map for the next Philadelphia Phillies of Anaheim game!
In Case You Were Planning A Yard Sale In Today’s Blizzard, Here’s Another Reason Not To Have One!
Reuters reports that a baseball card purchased for $100 at a Maine yard sale sold for $92,000 at an auction.
Specifically, the “card” was an 1865 photo of the Brooklyn Atlantics baseball team.
Which is just another reason to never hold a yard sale for all you condo dwellers out there!
3 Worse Things To Sell At A Yard Sale For $100
1. One of your kidneys. (The one processing the hundred dollar bills you accidentally blended into a smoothie.)
2. 92,000 one dollar coins dated 1865.
3. Your yard. (makes it difficult to have future yard sales selling items for 0.108 percent of their value)
Canadian Super Bowl Ticket-Winner Denied Admission To U.S. For 1981 Drug Possession Conviction
CBC reports that a Canadian man in his 50′s who won tickets to the Super Bowl was denied admission to the United States, because in 1981, when he was 19 years old, he was convicted for possession of two grams of marijuana. At the time he paid a $50 fine.
3 Worse Reasons A Canadian Man With Super Bowl Tickets Could Have Missed The Game
1. Denied entry due to a Criminal Record in Canada for the real offense of alarming the Queen. It seems highly unlikely anyone would be able to alarm the Queen at the Super Bowl, unless someone phoned Buckingham Palace to say Prince Charles bet Buckingham Palace on the 49ers.
2. Thought the game was today after watching too many episodes of Monday Night Football.
3. Car navigation system could have sent him to Louisiana, Missouri.
3 Superbowl 2013 Commercials Getting Extra Free Publicity For Being “Controversial”
The Superbowl is today, which means it’s time for everyone to watch someone who lip-synced the national anthem at a recent presidential inauguration perform live, while corporations vie to show the most controversial commercials allowable by law!
So here are 3 of these commercials that have been causing controversy over the past week:
1. Go Daddy. A “super-nerd” makes out with a “supermodel.” Yeah, this may be controversial if it happened in a 1980s teen-comedy featuring nerds, like say
Revenge Of the Nerds. Otherwise, we have to assume it’s just another day at the Pinterest headquarters.
2. Volkswagen ad featuring people of various ethnicities talking in Jamaican accents. The Huffington Post reports that the Jamaican government endorses the ad, and notes that people of various ethnicities speak with the accent in Jamaica. So case closed, Mon! Everyone feel free to drive their Passats directly to Jamaica!
3. Coca-Cola ad showing Arab man in desert walking a camel. The ad then shows that some sort of Cannonball Run-like race is happening in the undisclosed desert, also featuring a bus of Las Vegas showgirls, a cowboy, and a bunch of post-apocalyptic bikers.
However unlike the real Cannonball Run featuring Jamie Farr as a wealthy Arab, in this race, the Arab is not given a chance to win the race. Because viewers can vote online for who should win, but there is no option to vote for the Arab.
We can see how this one is actually problematic, however on the bright side, at least the camel isn’t encouraging people to smoke, like the once-popular-and-legal Joe Camel. And so, to the camel, we quote another former cigarette slogan “You’ve come a long way, baby.“
And We’ve Checked The Instant Replay – Nobody Elected To the National Baseball Hall Of Fame This Year!
The Baseball Writers’ Association of America selected nobody to the Hall Of Fame yesterday. Not even the nice man who wipes your seat clean when you arrive at the ball park and expects nothing in return.
Tom Verducci, a Sports Illustrated writer, explained to CNN’s Erin Burnett yesterday, in an interview that can be seen here, why he voted against 7-time All-Star Barry Bonds and 7-time Cy Young winner Roger Clemens for entry into the Baseball Hall Of Fame.
During the interview, he indicated that it did not matter if a player did steroids even if the player only used them during the first year of his career – that player should never be eligible.
That’s kind of like saying that if someone tries drugs once when they’re young, they should never be allowed to be President of the United States and get their own Presidential library, which would ruin many a school field trip to current and future libraries of Presidents Clinton, W. Bush, and Obama.
Verducci also acknowledged that there’s no way of knowing if other cheaters got in the Hall.
3 Reasons The Hall May Be Full Of Cheaters
1. Baseball still doesn’t use instant replays. Hey, you know those controversial plays when an umpire makes a bad call in a player’s favor, and the player knows it, and says nothing? Well, isn’t the right thing to do to admit you dropped the ball or got tagged? Of course not! You’ll get beat up by teammates and have fans’ beer cans and beer can cozies thrown down on you. Sure, the opposing player’s manager may storm out of the dugout, raising his blood pressure, causing potential health damage, but this kind of “cheating” is okay because when it happens, apparently baseball writers would rather blame umpires or the baseball commissioner than players.
2. The Baseball Writers Of America may not have been doing enough investigative journalism into steroid use in the 1980s to discover other possible users, because they were too busy investing in Donruss Gregg Jefferies’ rookie baseball cards. “If this kid’s as big as they say he’ll be, and everybody destroys the countless cards printed, and nobody invents an electronic device that lets us look up a players stats instantly, we’ll be rich in 2013!” they may have thought.
3. Can you really trust a humanoid with a big head? How did he get such a big head if not through performance-enhancing drugs? (We’re referring to the Mascot Hall of Fame and its member, Mr. Met.)
