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Gawker Trying To Raise $200,000 To Buy Video Of Toronto Mayor Smoking Crack… Why Does Your Sandwich-Making How-To Video Only Have 3 Views On YouTube And No Offers To Buy It?
As we wrote yesterday, a report indicated Gawker had been shopped a video of Rob Ford, the Mayor of Toronto, Canada, allegedly smoking crack cocaine.
Gawker is currently asking readers to donate money to support buying this video to post it on its web site, as the video’s owners want $200,000. The good news: if Gawker raises the money, and the deal goes awry, they will donate the money to charity. Currently Gawker has raised $45,000.
3 Questions That Arise From This News Story
1. Why would a mayor allegedly smoke crack while someone is recording it? Oh, right, because their decision-making ability was allegedly impaired by allegedly being on crack.
2. Will someone publish this video, and the Mayor tell the alleged truth of what’s going on in it so we can stop the word “allegedly” from ruining the flow of our alleged jokes?
3. What will the owners of the video do with the $200,000 if they get it? Buy 200,000 ninety-nine cent breakfasts at IKEA? As furniture store food products remain a constant source of worthy news material for this web site, we have our fingers crossed!
Blast From the Past: Alleged Video Of Toronto Mayor Returns Relevance Of Phrase “Are You On Crack?!”
According to the Huffington Post, reports in the Toronto Star and Gawker indicate that sources at those media outlets have been offered a video of Toronto Mayor Rob Ford allegedly smoking a crack pipe.
3 Worse Things A Toronto Mayor Could Allegedly Be Caught Smoking In A Video
1. A crack pipe filled with crack and clippings from Toronto Star articles alleging he smoked from a crack pipe. Burning and smoking articles with bad publicity might seem like a good way to make the problem go away, if you were on crack, however in any other case it would be sadly ironic.
2. Money spent by the Toronto Blue Jays to try to buy a World Series team this year, that has so far lead to the worst team in the American League East. And crack. Because remember, this is an article about “worse” things he could be smoking than just crack!
3. A biography of former Washington, D.C. Mayor Marion Barry in a crack pipe with crack and broken glass. We haven’t read one and doubt the whole book would fit in a crack pipe. But we bet it would recommend against allegedly using cocaine-based products while in office. Either way: read biographies, don’t smoke them with crack, peeps!
President Gives Press Conference… In Rain… Under Umbrella-ella-ella!
Today, U.S. President Barack Obama held a press conference, in which a marine held an umbrella over his head. According to CNN, this is rarely done. Presumably because the President of the United States rarely speaks outside in the rain, because he can watch weather forecasts on CNN and stay inside when there’s a chance of rain, rather than get blown around in a hurricane like Anderson Cooper or former CNN reporter Ali Velshi.
3 Other People We’d Like To See Hold An Umbrella For The President
1. Jay-Z and Rihanna. Because if the image of the President with an umbrella is worthy of front page news on the Fox News site, then why not make it bigger news! The kind of big news like, “Ah, man, I just got this song unstuck from my head after five years and here it is on every cable news program!”
2. The Bee Girl from the Blind Melon Video. She’s good at dancing around to promises of no rain, and as we wrote last year, we hear she’s looking for work!
3. An Umbrella Salesman Selling “Made In America” Umbrellas To Protect The President From Polluted Rain Made In Southeast Asia.
That would be a rare sight indeed! Rarer than a new episode of the Office, as the final episode airs tonight on NBC. Farewell to the Office from Not The Worst News!
Good Will Haunting
Earlier this week, funny blogger Diatribes & Ovations nominated this blog for the WordPress Family Award.
That blog has a tagline: “Because RantsAndRaves was already taken.” And we would like to give an ovation to the person who thought of that name first, because they obviously know what’s in demand. And we would like to start a diatribe about how easy it is for anyone to currently buy the domain VisitThisSiteAndYouWillBeHaunted.com, when that is obviously an awesome web site name, too. See, we just gave you a good idea for a web domain – that’s good will, friends!
To receive the award all we have to do is name 100 blogs we like, 300 blogs we think are just okay, and twenty blogs we accidentally hit “follow” on while reading news about Sweden. Then we just have to post a logo for the award and then keep our fingers crossed that this award actually exists, and isn’t a ghost that lives at the haunted web site we could have bought moments ago.
Of course, we sincerely appreciate these nominations whenever we receive them, and then ignore the rules and immediately proceed to the nominator’s blog and write an entry about their blog.
And accomplishing that has never been so easy, because an entry this week that you can read here, is about funny news headlines!
And one of those headlines was about a man who reportedly accidentally shot his cousin in the shoulder at a Halloween hide-and-seek party gone awry. She was dressed as a skunk, and the shooter’s mother had seen a skunk at the party earlier and asked him to shoot it, which apparently didn’t help matters, when she was hiding on the “ground.”
And you thought you were having a bad day!
3 Worse Halloween Costumes To Wear At A Party Where People Will Also Be Hunting
1. The U.S. Constitution. Nothing’s more embarrassing or ironic than accidentally shooting someone right in the second amendment part of their costume.
2. A Copy of the DVD Good Will Hunting. Okay, shooting a DVD isn’t exactly showing good will, especially if you’re holding apples and the shooter quotes the movie “How you like them apples,” after shooting the apples, leaving you with hands full of apple sauce.
3. Bullet-proof Body Armor Salesman. Wearing the body armor would be a good idea at such a party. Carrying it door-to-door in a briefcase, not so much.
If You Have Never Been Deported From A Country, You May Not Be Handsome.
Time reports that men visiting Saudi Arabia have been deported for being “too handsome!”
3 People Who Will Never Be Deported For Being Too Handsome
1. The captain of the college table tennis team who is totally sleeping with your girlfriend. And totally a citizen of your country. Thanks to you coaching him at table tennis and at citizenship tests. You really don’t have good luck, do you?
2. Former American pro-wrestler “Handsome” Johnny Barend. We don’t know how handsome he was, but we do know that he unfortunately is deceased, making deportation unlikely.
3. New York Islanders mascot, Sparky the Dragon. Whether you think this mascot is “handsome” or “ugly” one thing is certain: the Islanders are moving to Brooklyn, which if the mascot gets to go along can’t qualify as a “deportation” in our books! However, at Barclays Center, even an ugly mascot will look better than the silly sub-optimal-for-hockey-seating-chart!
Running For Office And Your Competitor Ran A Red Light With A Reporter In Their Car?
Yesterday, we wrote about how following a dare from her son, Christy Clark, the leader of British Columbia, Canada, reportedly intentionally ran a read light with a reporter in the back seat of her vehicle!
As mentioned, she’s up for reelection, so if she becomes more popular after this move, her opponents may want to consider some of these:
3 Additional Dumber Things For A British Columbian Politican To Do With A Reporter In The Backseat Of Their Car
1. Say: “This Province needs to be more ‘District of Columbia’ than ‘British Columbia!’ We’re headed there! Oh, no, we’re trapped on a round-about trying to get from K Street to M Street, after getting side-tracked by ten one-way streets in the wrong direction! It’s almost like the people who designed these roads are intentionally trying to create gridlock, like Congress or any other legislative body!”
2. Say: “This Province needs to be more ‘Columbia University’ and less ‘British Columbia!’” Why are we even in a car instead of on the “A” Train? Oh, right, because we kidnapped a reporter to force them to give a lecture at the Columbia School of Journalism on ‘What Not To Do With A Reporter In The Back Seat Of A Car.’”
3. Say: “This Province should be more ‘Columbia House Record Club’ and less ‘British Columbia!’” Enjoy your ride to the post office, where I just signed you up for nine cassette tapes for $0.01 on this Columbia House card from a 1992 issue of Car & Driver I found in the glove compartment, next to a British Columbia ‘Learn To Drive Smart’ book that is on my must-read list! I’m 21 years behind on my reading list. I should have never signed up for the Columbia House Book Club!”
Running For Reelection? Have You Considered Running Red Lights (On A Dare With A Reporter In The Car)?
Yahoo reports that Christy Clark, the leader of British Columbia, Canada (officially the “Premier,” which is like the “Governor,” for our American readers) is in some hot water after intentionally running a red light with her kid and a reporter in the car, on a “dare” from her son.
She’s up for re-election, by the way.
Could it be worse? Of course! Here’s:
3 Dumber Things A Politician From British Columbia Could Do With A Reporter In Their Car
1. Say “This province needs to be more British, and less ‘Columbia!’” And then start driving on the British side of the road a.k.a. “the wrong side of the road in Canada.”
Painting angry teeth on your car to scare off other traffic does not make it a good idea to run red lights, either.
2. Say “This province needs to be more “Colombia” and less “British Columbia!” And then throw British Columbian marijuana out the window and pull out a bag of Colombian cocaine.
3. Say “This province needs to be more B.C., and by ‘B.C.’ I’m referring to the prehistoric-era comic strip where the main character drives around on one wheel.” And then remove three tires from the car and drive through a red light on a dare.
3 Uses For Your Mummified 14-Year-Old $5,000+ Hamburger
Yesterday, we wrote about a Utah man who turned down an offer of $5,000 for a 14-year-old mummified McDonald’s hamburger he found in his pocket.
On our comments board, funny blogger Twissblog wrote:
“My question is–now that he hasn’t sold it, what’s he going to do with it? Put it on display? Donate it to a museum?”
Thanks for your question! Obviously, there are only three options here:
3 Uses For Your Mummified 14-Year-Old $5,000+ Hamburger
1. Put it in the Bill Clinton Presidential Library since the hamburger was made when Clinton was President; Clinton loved hamburgers before becoming a vegetarian; and all the latest Presidential Library conservative “red meat” is headed to the George W. Bush Presidential Library, scheduled to open May 1.
Which one of these doesn’t decompose after 14 years in tropical Utah, again?
2. Put it in a mummy outfit to create a new McMummy McDonald’s character to scare off the Hamburglar once and for all. We don’t suggest using toilet paper to make the mummy costume, because that may remind people of E. coli bacteria, commonly found in hamburger meat that has gone bad, instead of just chillin’ out and not rotting for 14 years.
3. Sell it to the highest bidding lottery winner as soon as possible! Because, as we wrote earlier this week, lottery winners like to waste money on extravagant things, and are likely to go broke within seven years. This means they are unlikely to ever acquire their own new hamburger to age for 14 years until it is worth $5,000, as they will have to sell the asset off during bankruptcy proceedings after a mere 7 years. So let them enjoy 14-year-old aged McLuxury while they can afford it, now – they’re gonna waste the money anyway!
Can’t Find The Mayonnaise In The Fridge? Maybe It’s Because The Fridge Is Floating In A River!
CNN reports that all kinds of crazy items are being dumped and removed from America’s rivers and waterways. Items that one individual has removed over the past 15 years include:
“67,000 tires… 218 washing machines, 19 tractors, 12 hot tubs, four pianos and almost 1,000 refrigerators.”
Which is all just a reminder that trying to wash your clothes in a dirty, washing-machine filled-river, by dumping the washing machine into the river, is a bad idea for more reasons than potential electrocution. But kudos to the man cleaning America’s waterways by removing these things! Your friends probably hate helping you on moving day move a hide-a-bed down a stairway, never mind removing a piano from a flowing river!
3 Worse Things To Dump In A River
1. Dump-trucks and garbage trucks full of tires. That is really taking the entire illegal dumping thing to a whole new level of laziness, don’t you think?
2. Goldfish. Who would think freeing fish into rivers would create a risk of the fish sustaining tractor injuries? Not fish. Contrary to myths, fish have longer than a three-second memory. They can reportedly remember things for five months! That’s an entire harvesting season they watched out a window of your farm house, never expecting someone would drive a tractor into the water!
3. Guns. If someone finds a gun in a river, in addition to potentially being there for suspicious reasons, how do you do a background check if the finder wants to keep the gun? We’d hate to see a “I-found-it-in-a-river” gun-show-like loophole!
