Today, U.S. President Barack Obama held a press conference, in which a marine held an umbrella over his head. According to CNN, this is rarely done. Presumably because the President of the United States rarely speaks outside in the rain, because he can watch weather forecasts on CNN and stay inside when there’s a chance of rain, rather than get blown around in a hurricane like Anderson Cooper or former CNN reporter Ali Velshi.
3 Other People We’d Like To See Hold An Umbrella For The President
1. Jay-Z and Rihanna. Because if the image of the President with an umbrella is worthy of front page news on the Fox News site, then why not make it bigger news! The kind of big news like, “Ah, man, I just got this song unstuck from my head after five years and here it is on every cable news program!”
2. The Bee Girl from the Blind Melon Video. She’s good at dancing around to promises of no rain, and as we wrote last year, we hear she’s looking for work!
3. An Umbrella Salesman Selling “Made In America” Umbrellas To Protect The President From Polluted Rain Made In Southeast Asia.
That would be a rare sight indeed! Rarer than a new episode of the Office, as the final episode airs tonight on NBC. Farewell to the Office from Not The Worst News!
When people follow us, we try to follow back* and read their blogs. And today, we were quite pleased to see a news story from Ken Hegan, who reported for MSN that an American Airlines jet from LAX to JFK had to make an emergency landing… because a woman wouldn’t stop singing Whitney Houston songs. So check out the original link, because it features a passenger-shot video of the incident, with the woman singing “I Will Always Love You.”
3 Worse Artists A Passenger Could Imitate On A Plane, Forcing You To Waste Time During An Emergency Landing
1. Dolly Parton. Not only would you have to endure “I Will Always Love You,” which Parton actually wrote, but if the passenger was behaving this way due to too much alcohol before boarding the plane, you can certainly expect a request that you play the role of Kenny Rogers in a karaoke duet of “Islands In The Stream.” Not only would this be the wrong time for this sort of social behavior, singing about islands in streams is totally inappropriate when flying out of LAX over the Nevada desert!
2. Nickelback. There is never a right time for singing Nickelback, including at Nickelback concerts, even if you are on stage, and you’re Nickelback.
3. Don McLean. Singing his hit “American Pie,” which is about other great musicians dying in a plane crash is hardly going to be a crowd-pleaser on a flight. Especially if other drunken passengers join in singing hits from Buddy Holly, Ritchie Valens, and the Big Bopper. And if some drunk teenager re-enacts the pie scene from the movie American Pie, in response, you have a reason for once to be happy your flight is not serving any dessert trays.
*If we didn’t follow you back, it’s because WordPress only shows the latest new followers, and we missed your follow notification, so blame the machines!
The Local reports that the Swedish National Tax Agency has declared a lumberjack who has been missing for 102 years to be dead. If alive, he would have been 139 years old, which would be older than the oldest person recorded in human history, who incidentally died at age 122.
Way to keep on top of things, Sweden!
3 More Things We Wonder If Sweden Will Declare To Be Dead
1. IKEA breakfast. Because now that McDonald’s may be moving into the all-day-breakfast market, people will no longer have to travel miles to pretend they want to buy furniture to get cheap eggs, that they ironically could have gotten for even less money if they splurged on a fridge from IKEA.
2. Jokes about IKEA on this web site! Although we’d wager furniture stores that sell food are more likely to recall the joke for being mislabelled as “elk meat” than actually declare the joke to be dead.
3. Disco. Sure, the rest of the world might have been saying “Disco’s Dead” around the 1980s, but we understand, Sweden, you had your major export ABBA to protect. It’s okay!
Yesterday, we wrote about how following a dare from her son, Christy Clark, the leader of British Columbia, Canada, reportedly intentionally ran a read light with a reporter in the back seat of her vehicle!
As mentioned, she’s up for reelection, so if she becomes more popular after this move, her opponents may want to consider some of these:
3 Additional Dumber Things For A British Columbian Politican To Do With A Reporter In The Backseat Of Their Car
1. Say: “This Province needs to be more ‘District of Columbia’ than ‘British Columbia!’ We’re headed there! Oh, no, we’re trapped on a round-about trying to get from K Street to M Street, after getting side-tracked by ten one-way streets in the wrong direction! It’s almost like the people who designed these roads are intentionally trying to create gridlock, like Congress or any other legislative body!”
2. Say: “This Province needs to be more ‘Columbia University’ and less ‘British Columbia!’” Why are we even in a car instead of on the “A” Train? Oh, right, because we kidnapped a reporter to force them to give a lecture at the Columbia School of Journalism on ‘What Not To Do With A Reporter In The Back Seat Of A Car.’”
3. Say: “This Province should be more ‘Columbia House Record Club’ and less ‘British Columbia!’” Enjoy your ride to the post office, where I just signed you up for nine cassette tapes for $0.01 on this Columbia House card from a 1992 issue of Car & Driver I found in the glove compartment, next to a British Columbia ‘Learn To Drive Smart’ book that is on my must-read list! I’m 21 years behind on my reading list. I should have never signed up for the Columbia House Book Club!”
As we’ve been writing this week, a Utah man found a mummified 14-year old McDonald’s hamburger in his pocket. After turning down a $5,000 offer from a local DJ who might eat the thing, we’ve been trying to help the man come up with other uses for the burger.
So here are three more:
1. Stare at it like you used to stare at the Internet before a massive cable outage. (Coincidentally a massive cable outage is happening right now at the NTWN headquarters!)
2. Since it appears indestructible, pound it with your fist every time Clippy from Windows 97 asks you if you are trying to write a letter, when you are not writing a letter but rather really trying to create a chart to see which will last longer: a burger from 1999 or Clippy’s career.
3. See whether your burger will continue partying like it’s 1999 longer than Prince. This is a tough call, because we still remained convinced by his lack of aging since 1999, Prince may be a vampire. On the other hand, Prince is a vegetarian (the worst kind of vampire!), so the hamburger is likely safe to keep on keeping on in his presence.
According to a 2004 legal document cited by the Smoking Gun, as part of a lawsuit between R. Kelly and Jay-Z over a tour that was cancelled, it was alleged that after a set in St. Louis, R. Kelly did the following things:
“…returned to the stage, bowed to the audience, changed his outfit, hopped onto a waiting ‘People Mover,’ and left the venue before the concert was completed…R. Kelly then went to a local McDonald’s where he began to serve food to patrons at the drive-thru.“
We don’t know how the lawsuit worked out, but we wonder if Jay-Z thought at the time: “Man, that guy loves McDonald’s too much. In the future, I’m only touring with people who just love McDonald’s a little bit.”
In which case he may have forgotten Justin Timberlake’s “I’m Lovin’ It” 2003 campaign for McDonald’s, as JT and Jay-Z are touring this year! So here are:
3 Celebrities We’d Be Lovin’ To See Serve Food At A Drive-Thru
1. Anthony Wiener. Various reports indicate that he is contemplating running for Mayor of New York. Perhaps he should warm-up with a run to become Mayor McCheese. If he did serve at a drive-thru, we’d expect him campaigning with stale jokes about serving wieners, depending on the restaurant chain. However we would hope he would not screw up the orders in the same way he screwed up which photos to post on Twitter.
2. Former 90210 Star Ian Ziering. We don’t necessarily want to receive a burrito from Mr. Ziering at a drive-thru. We just think this would make us feel better about where his career is going than recent news that he will be joining Chippendales in Las Vegas.
3. Lightning McQueen from Disney-Pixar’s Cars. “A car serving us at a drive-thru,” we’d exclaim, “Now we’ve seen everything!”
Stay tuned for tomorrow’s post to see if we’ve seen everything!
Being On A Rock N’ Roll Cover Can Allegedly Ruin Your Life (Depending On The Results Of The Lawsuit)
The Mail reports that a British man who appeared on the cover of alt-rock band Placebo’s debut album in 1996 is suing the band for using the photo without his consent, and saying the photo ruined his life.
The man claims to have been popular, until the album came out, after which time he alleges he was bullied; had to be driven to school; had to drop out of school; and eventually became a chef, who was laid off.
Not on top-selling rock album cover = popular.
On top-selling album cover = unpopular.
This kid clearly went to the wrong school. Although we might suggest the time to have made an issue of it with the band was when the album was out. Certainly Placebo could have showed up at the school and made the kid popular again.That’s how things work when kids wet their pants in Adam Sandler movies, and then Adam Sandler wets his pants to make them look cooler.
Anyway, we all know bullying is wrong, so bullies reading this, stop doing that, especially if you’re bullying people on the cover of rock albums, because in most cases they probably have better bodyguards than you.
3 Worse Places A School Kid Could Find Their Photo Advertising A Legal Product
1. On an-over-the-counter bottle for a placebo that promises to be the herbal remedy that makes kids cool. It won’t. Because it’s just sugar pills. Which, since your photo is on it, might lead to demands for money back for a product that you aren’t even getting revenues for.
2. On a Nickelback album cover. Come on, that has to inherently be worse, right?
3. On the album cover for Nirvana’s Nevermind. You think it’s embarrassing when your parents pull out the nude baby photos? Or today’s parents post them on Facebook since photo albums are obsolete? Imagine being a naked baby on one of the top-selling albums of all time. That kid reportedly says he got no royalties for the pic, which sucks, but he’s also an artist, so we’re guessing he’d call it art and say nevermind. Or sue later in life. You just don’t know. Give credit for album covers, recording industry! Especially now that they’re just a thumbnail on our iPods!
Iran Confirms It Does Not Have A Time Machine, In Case You Wonder Who Those People Visiting You In Silver Unibody Suits from 2050 Are!
3 Reasons We Already Knew An Iranian Scientist Didn’t Invent A Time Machine
1. The plot for the movie Hot Tub Time Machine seemed more plausible than the scientist’s explanation that the machine brings the future to you.
2. We already invented the time machine, which is how we keep a daily blog going, mocking news in what virtually seems like real time!
3. Iran didn’t go back to the year 2008 and sell all of its oil when it was at record prices. Instead, in 2008, Iran was reportedly holding a Chris de Burgh concert, which we can all agree was 20 years too late for that, a clear sign of not having a time machine!
We wrote yesterday about a recent Public Policy Polling survey of registered American voters that had all kinds of interesting findings. For example, 7% of American registered voters believe that the moon landing was a hoax, and an additional 9% are unsure whether it was a hoax. Note to 9% of survey takers: stop phoning the year 1869 for your surveys!
Which means, according to the random page we found on Google, both of those groups are greater than the NRA’s approximate 2% membership of registered voters.
3 Policies We’d Expect Moon-Landing-Conspiracy-Theorists To Argue For On Cable News If They Had As Much Interview Time As The NRA
1. Ban R.E.M.’s song “Man On The Moon” from all radio stations, because the conspiracy theorists have a First Amendment right to say there was never a Man on the Moon that obviously exceeds R.E.M.’s First Amendment right to write lyrics which do not explicitly confirm there was no man on the moon, despite a title suggesting the issue might have been resolved in the song.
2. Require that the scientists on Mythbusters who claim moon-landing conspiracy theories are untrue to broadcast their findings on a show from the moon, since they seem to think it’s so possible to just go to the moon!
3. That during a card game of Hearts, shooting the moon is impossible, since it’s impossible to get to the moon, never mind shoot it, as an NRA representative on a cable news panel might suggest when talking over a moon-landing conspiracy theorist.
Yahoo reports that a man was arrested in Los Angeles for breaking into a house, which he incorrectly thought was Rihanna’s home.
3 Things That Could Have Made This Situation Worse For The Man
1. The man could have been listening to the song by Eminem featuring Rihanna called “Love the Way You Lie,” after someone totally lied to him about Rihanna’s address.
2. The house could have been NRA-member and musician Ted Nugent’s house, and the burglar could have luckily not been shot by Nugent, but had to listen to Nugent’s rendition of “Rock N’ Roll Hoochie Koo.”
3. The burglar could have busted into Vince McMahon’s house and heard the WWF album version of Rock N’ Roll Hoochie Koo, before being taken down by the Honky Tonk Man in the classic “Shake Rattle N’ Roll” finishing move.