Blog Archives
Good Will Haunting
Earlier this week, funny blogger Diatribes & Ovations nominated this blog for the WordPress Family Award.
That blog has a tagline: “Because RantsAndRaves was already taken.” And we would like to give an ovation to the person who thought of that name first, because they obviously know what’s in demand. And we would like to start a diatribe about how easy it is for anyone to currently buy the domain VisitThisSiteAndYouWillBeHaunted.com, when that is obviously an awesome web site name, too. See, we just gave you a good idea for a web domain – that’s good will, friends!
To receive the award all we have to do is name 100 blogs we like, 300 blogs we think are just okay, and twenty blogs we accidentally hit “follow” on while reading news about Sweden. Then we just have to post a logo for the award and then keep our fingers crossed that this award actually exists, and isn’t a ghost that lives at the haunted web site we could have bought moments ago.
Of course, we sincerely appreciate these nominations whenever we receive them, and then ignore the rules and immediately proceed to the nominator’s blog and write an entry about their blog.
And accomplishing that has never been so easy, because an entry this week that you can read here, is about funny news headlines!
And one of those headlines was about a man who reportedly accidentally shot his cousin in the shoulder at a Halloween hide-and-seek party gone awry. She was dressed as a skunk, and the shooter’s mother had seen a skunk at the party earlier and asked him to shoot it, which apparently didn’t help matters, when she was hiding on the “ground.”
And you thought you were having a bad day!
3 Worse Halloween Costumes To Wear At A Party Where People Will Also Be Hunting
1. The U.S. Constitution. Nothing’s more embarrassing or ironic than accidentally shooting someone right in the second amendment part of their costume.
2. A Copy of the DVD Good Will Hunting. Okay, shooting a DVD isn’t exactly showing good will, especially if you’re holding apples and the shooter quotes the movie “How you like them apples,” after shooting the apples, leaving you with hands full of apple sauce.
3. Bullet-proof Body Armor Salesman. Wearing the body armor would be a good idea at such a party. Carrying it door-to-door in a briefcase, not so much.
3 Celebrities We’d Be Lovin’ To See Serve Food At A Drive-Thru
According to a 2004 legal document cited by the Smoking Gun, as part of a lawsuit between R. Kelly and Jay-Z over a tour that was cancelled, it was alleged that after a set in St. Louis, R. Kelly did the following things:
“…returned to the stage, bowed to the audience, changed his outfit, hopped onto a waiting ‘People Mover,’ and left the venue before the concert was completed…R. Kelly then went to a local McDonald’s where he began to serve food to patrons at the drive-thru.“
We don’t know how the lawsuit worked out, but we wonder if Jay-Z thought at the time: “Man, that guy loves McDonald’s too much. In the future, I’m only touring with people who just love McDonald’s a little bit.”
In which case he may have forgotten Justin Timberlake’s “I’m Lovin’ It” 2003 campaign for McDonald’s, as JT and Jay-Z are touring this year! So here are:
3 Celebrities We’d Be Lovin’ To See Serve Food At A Drive-Thru
1. Anthony Wiener. Various reports indicate that he is contemplating running for Mayor of New York. Perhaps he should warm-up with a run to become Mayor McCheese. If he did serve at a drive-thru, we’d expect him campaigning with stale jokes about serving wieners, depending on the restaurant chain. However we would hope he would not screw up the orders in the same way he screwed up which photos to post on Twitter.
2. Former 90210 Star Ian Ziering. We don’t necessarily want to receive a burrito from Mr. Ziering at a drive-thru. We just think this would make us feel better about where his career is going than recent news that he will be joining Chippendales in Las Vegas.
3. Lightning McQueen from Disney-Pixar’s Cars. “A car serving us at a drive-thru,” we’d exclaim, “Now we’ve seen everything!”
Stay tuned for tomorrow’s post to see if we’ve seen everything!
Iran Confirms It Does Not Have A Time Machine, In Case You Wonder Who Those People Visiting You In Silver Unibody Suits from 2050 Are!
Update on a recent story we’ve been following! ABC News reports that Iran has set the record straight: they do not have a time machine.
3 Reasons We Already Knew An Iranian Scientist Didn’t Invent A Time Machine
1. The plot for the movie Hot Tub Time Machine seemed more plausible than the scientist’s explanation that the machine brings the future to you.
2. We already invented the time machine, which is how we keep a daily blog going, mocking news in what virtually seems like real time!
3. Iran didn’t go back to the year 2008 and sell all of its oil when it was at record prices. Instead, in 2008, Iran was reportedly holding a Chris de Burgh concert, which we can all agree was 20 years too late for that, a clear sign of not having a time machine!
Did Time Machine Inventor Use Time Machine To Predict China Would Steal His Time Machine?
Yesterday, we wrote about an Iranian scientist who claimed to have invented a “time machine” that sounded more like a “crystal ball” or “coin-operated fortune teller” or “random person who will take your money on the Atlantic City Boardwalk” than a time machine. According to the scientist, the machine can tell you your future for the next five to eight years.
According to the article, the scientist said this:
“The reason that we are not launching our prototype at this stage is that the Chinese will steal the idea and produce it in millions overnight.”
3 Questions That Arise From This Statement
1. Really, you think Chinese hackers don’t have the ability to break into your time machine and hack into its future? Are you sure the real reason you aren’t launching your machine is because it doesn’t work, and doesn’t provide kids with free Chuck E. Cheese coupons for prizes? What a rip-off!
2. Does China really need to build a million machines that tells people the next five years looks a lot like the last five years: producing iPhones 6 through 11 vs. iPhone 1 through 5?
3. Do you really believe Chinese pirates will take a break from pirating Scary Movie 5, which opens in theaters tomorrow? p.s. China, we’re certain sending this straight to DVD is actually doing audiences a favor!
Honey, Delta Is Shrinking The Bathrooms!
NBC News reports that Delta Airlines is planning on reducing the size of some economy class bathrooms to add more seats in an area behind the sinks.
3 Worse Things An Airline Can Change In Size
1. Honey, I Shrunk The Passengers! Shrinking passengers may seem like the best way to increase capacity, until they arrive at your destination, and the shrinking machine is broken, and the relatively giant-sized drug sniffing dogs start licking them!
2. Honey, I Shrunk The Passengers and the Plane! Hmmm…. Seems you don’t really understand relativity, as you can still only fit the same number of passengers on the plane. The good news is that the trip from Cincinnati to Appleton, Wisconsin will only take a teaspoon of jet fuel if you filled up the plane after shrinking it. The bad news is the trip will take three years, assuming there’s no wind.
3. Honey, I Increased the Size of All Crying Babies! Have you considered working outside the airline industry and moving to the Rick Moranis plot rip-off industry?
Because You Demanded It: 3 Democrat Robots We’d Like To See
Yesterday, when writing about robots potential near-future roles in the services industry, we commented on 3 Robot Politicians we’d like to see. Blogger IndyTony astutely noticed that the 3 politicians we wrote about happened to be Republicans.
As the only robot in politics we’ve ever known was a Republican called the Governator, we just assumed that it was common knowledge, based on box office results, that more people liked to see Republican robots. But for those of you out there who want to see robots from the other side of the aisle, here are 3:
1. Harry Reid. Like all liquid metal robots, this robot is virtually indestructible, so it is less likely to spend time introducing an amendment to any proposed gun control legislation for an assault weapons ban, and more likely to introduce legislation to ban something far more dangerous to robots: vats-of-molten-metal-in-factories!
2. Anthony Weiner. Like all well-engineered robots that can be replicated using 3D printers, this particular robot has no genitals, meaning it can Tweet pictures of whatever robotic parts it wants without any danger of political ramifications!
3. Joe Biden. This virtual assistant robot makes the occasional gaffe, just like Apple’s virtual assistant, Siri. Which one will tell you you’re in Iowa when you’re really in Ohio? We eagerly await the answer from Consumer Reports!
There’s A Monster At The End Of This Blog
Today’s WordPress Daily Prompt Challenge asks:
“What was your favorite book as a child? Did it influence the person you are now?”
Our favorite book was unquestionably Sesame Street’s “The Monster at the End of This Book” written by Jon Stone and illustrated by Michael Smollin.
The book starred Grover, who guided us through the book as he worried about the fact that he had heard there was a monster at the end of the book.
Spoiler Alert: Grover was the monster! He was worried for nothing! He should have never spent an entire, albeit short, book worrying about nothing! So of course this influenced who we are now. We do not worry about self-created monsters in life, because in the end, we know many of the things we wasted time worrying about will not even come true. Except the time we worried that NBC would replace the hilarious Conan O’Brien, with a return of Jay Leno, followed by a return of the not-hilarious Jimmy Fallon, according to the New York Times.
Three More Monsters At The End Of Other Peoples’ Books We Will Not Worry About
1. That passing stricter gun control laws will lead to the government taking everyone’s guns. The government can’t even take away money from General Electric in years it makes billion of dollars of profits! And General Electric stopped manufacturing M134 Miniguns. In conclusion, not having a gun does not = the government is going to hassle you to get your stuff!
2. That someone will drug us, and we’ll wake up in a bath tub with a kidney stolen next time we visit Las Vegas. According to Snopes, this has never happened! The only thing belonging to you that might disappear in Las Vegas is your money, and perhaps your pride.
3. That a law preventing people from ordering more than 16 ounces of sugary soft drinks in one cup will drive the New York City restaurant industry out of business! Actually, if people buy two 16 ounce soft drinks, which would be legal, we’d say that might be good for business. And the fact that Bubba Gump Shrimp Factory still exists in Times Square suggests to us that New York City restaurants go out of business less frequently than investors can open up restauarants based on movies from decades ago! It looks like it’s time that someone opens up a “Friday the Thirteenth Part 8: Jason Takes Manhattan” themed restaurant in New York.*
*And the fact we mentioned Jason shows that our title about there being a monster at the end of this blog was true. But again, not worthy of worrying about since it seems unlikely he will show his face in Times Square since Times Square already has a competing Jekyll & Hyde restaurant.
Baseball Player Traded For “Nothing” And We Mean Literally Nothing In Return!
Yahoo reports that the Philadelphia Phillies traded pitcher Mike Cisco to the Los Angeles Angels for nothing. This was not a waiver or release, and the Phillies received absolutely no cash compensation.
3 Worse Things To Receive In A Trade With The Angels Than Nothing
1. Actual Angels In The Outfield from the movie of the same name. Those invisible angels are such big cheaters that they’d likely cause a bigger scandal than the last steroid scandal, meaning nobody gets into the Hall of Fame for years to come!
2. Rude gestures from the Rally Monkey. This isn’t the 1980s movie “Every Which Way But Loose,” where acting legend Clint Eastwood brought the comedy by acting with a monkey, which may have seemed like a low point at the time, until Eastwood later started acting with chairs. We eagerly await Eastwood’s next movie: “Monkey Bars.” No monkeys. No chairs. Just an empty bar. And this time, it’s personal.
3. The part of the Angels team name that it is legally required to keep because it promised the City of Anaheim to keep the word “Anaheim” in its name. Hey visiting team fans, enjoy finding Citizens Bank Park on a map for the next Philadelphia Phillies of Anaheim game!
3 Worse Show-And-Tell Presentations Than The Kid Who Brought $20,000 In Cash To School
Detroit’s 7 Action News reports that a 12-year-old brought a backpack full of $20,000 in cash to school, and started handing it out to classmates in what Yahoo news describes as “quite the show-and-tell.”
Which is quite true, because school officials did show and tell details about the incident to the police, who confiscated all of the money until they are provided with a reasonable explanation as to where the money came from! (The girl got the money from a friend, whose family has been asked to provide the explanation.)
And speaking of Show and Tell, today’s WordPress Daily Prompt challenges bloggers with the following:
“You’ve been asked to do a five-minute presentation to a group of young schoolchildren on the topic of your choice. Describe your presentation.”
Three Worse Show And Tell Presentations For Detroit School Kids Than A Free Money Presentation
1. “Why Not To Be A News Reporter In Detroit.” The presentation would begin with the real 7 Action News Story where the reporter tells the anchor that $20,000 is more cash than either of them are likely to see at once in their life time. The presentation would continue with video of Bill O’Reilly yelling at people. Then, time for a Newsweek chart showing Bill O’Reilly’s 2010 estimated income of $20 million, a math equation showing that’s 1,000 times more than $20,000, and then a Bill O’Reilly impersonation where Bill explains to the students his theory that the Detroit reporter will never see $20,000 because the Obama administration has overtaxed her by that amount, regardless of what she really makes.
2. “Reasonable Explanations Of Where You Got $20,000 in Cash So The Police Will Give You Your Money Back.” This presentation would show photos of Detroit’s three casinos, and then show 4 minutes of the Kevin Spacey film “21,” which was about counting cards.
3. “Bad Explanations of Where You Got $20,000.” This 8-mile, rap battle format presentation would include explanations such as:
- Gambling under the age of 21 after just seeing the movie “21″
- Selling drugs and stealing copper wires from the police station
- From the fancy 3-D printing machine in the basement!
TSA Reportedly Will Stick By Its Decision To Allow Knives On Planes, So Now You Can Cut The Meat In Your Imaginary Domestic Airline Meal!
CNN reports that despite criticism from flight attendants, airlines, and members of Congress, the Chief of the Transportation Security Administration, John Pistole, stands by his decision to permit certain knives on commercial planes beginning next month.
Because, you know, having the knife you brought with you to the airport confiscated almost 12 years after 9/11 because you had no clue that knives were not allowed on planes, because you’ve never flown on a plane, never watched news about air travel, and never saw the signs at the security check indicating “no knives,” is such a hassle!
3 Other People Who May Be Unhappy With This Decision
1. John Pistole. His last name is Italian for “guns”, which are far more powerful than knives, and all anyone keeps asking him about is little knives, refusing to recognize the importance of his name in gun circles! Mamma Mia!
2. The people who make signs of things not to flush down airport toilets will now presumably have to add another item, since if you think bringing a knife on a plane is a good idea, you may also think flushing it down the plane’s toilet is a good idea.
There’s no room for a knife in this image, requiring an entire redesign!
3. Any screenwriter who spent seven years completing a spec sequel to “Snakes On A Plane,” assuming there would never be knives on a commercial plane to stab the snakes with. Time for another rewrite!
