Blog Archives
Gawker Trying To Raise $200,000 To Buy Video Of Toronto Mayor Smoking Crack… Why Does Your Sandwich-Making How-To Video Only Have 3 Views On YouTube And No Offers To Buy It?
As we wrote yesterday, a report indicated Gawker had been shopped a video of Rob Ford, the Mayor of Toronto, Canada, allegedly smoking crack cocaine.
Gawker is currently asking readers to donate money to support buying this video to post it on its web site, as the video’s owners want $200,000. The good news: if Gawker raises the money, and the deal goes awry, they will donate the money to charity. Currently Gawker has raised $45,000.
3 Questions That Arise From This News Story
1. Why would a mayor allegedly smoke crack while someone is recording it? Oh, right, because their decision-making ability was allegedly impaired by allegedly being on crack.
2. Will someone publish this video, and the Mayor tell the alleged truth of what’s going on in it so we can stop the word “allegedly” from ruining the flow of our alleged jokes?
3. What will the owners of the video do with the $200,000 if they get it? Buy 200,000 ninety-nine cent breakfasts at IKEA? As furniture store food products remain a constant source of worthy news material for this web site, we have our fingers crossed!
Swedish Newspapers: Always The Place We Can Find The Most Current Breaking News!
The Local reports that the Swedish National Tax Agency has declared a lumberjack who has been missing for 102 years to be dead. If alive, he would have been 139 years old, which would be older than the oldest person recorded in human history, who incidentally died at age 122.
Way to keep on top of things, Sweden!
3 More Things We Wonder If Sweden Will Declare To Be Dead
1. IKEA breakfast. Because now that McDonald’s may be moving into the all-day-breakfast market, people will no longer have to travel miles to pretend they want to buy furniture to get cheap eggs, that they ironically could have gotten for even less money if they splurged on a fridge from IKEA.
2. Jokes about IKEA on this web site! Although we’d wager furniture stores that sell food are more likely to recall the joke for being mislabelled as “elk meat” than actually declare the joke to be dead.
3. Disco. Sure, the rest of the world might have been saying “Disco’s Dead” around the 1980s, but we understand, Sweden, you had your major export ABBA to protect. It’s okay!
While Everyone’s Been Talking About Apple Innovating “This” and Google “That,” McDonald’s May Be Doing Some Innovating Of It’s Own!
In a CNBC interview with the CEO of McDonald’s, the CEO reportedly said that McDonald’s is looking at “innovative ways” to extend breakfast hours for customers!
We haven’t attended McDonald’s Hamburger University outside Chicago, so we can only speculate as to what these “innovative ways” may be, and also whether students at Hamburger University are being asked for innovative ways to serve breakfast in exam questions.
3 Innovative Ways To Extend Breakfast Hours We Would Write In Response To A Question On A Fast Food University Exam
1. Use the equipment that makes breakfast during non-breakfast hours! Then insert breakfast ingredients like eggs, burrito shells, and cheese-melted-to-wax-paper into the breakfast-making equipment.
2. Instead of in store and drive-thru menu boards that magically make breakfast items disappear way too early in the day, put all of the items on one menu. Or if technology will not allow for that, use one “secret” menu. Because if you really have to consult a menu at McDonald’s, you’ve kind of missed out on decades of pop culture and probably don’t think Happy Days has jumped the shark, if you even knew what that saying meant. Which you don’t.
3. Make students with Bachelor’s degrees from Hamburger U get Masters Degrees at Waffle House University, and Ph.Ds at Denny’s U! Those innovators have been making breakfast and hamburgers and, in at least one case waffles since long before Fonzie jumped the shark!
If Nobody In Italy Wants To Make Pizza, We Wonder If This Will Force A 30 Days Or It’s Free Policy…
CNBC reports that despite having the worst unemployment record in two decades, Italy has a shortage of 6,000 pizza-makers, that it is having trouble filling!
3 Pizza-Related Shortages We Do Not Want To See!
1. A shortage of items to stuff Pizza Hut crusts with. Cheese! Hot Dogs! More pizzas like a Russian Matryoshka doll! We just hope the madness never ends!
2. A shortage of Dr. Oetker products. Dr. Oetker provides frozen pizzas in countries like Canada and the United Kingdom and luxury hotels elsewhere. We don’t know whether the Doc had a Ph.D or medical license, or even why being a doctor is necessary for frozen pizza products, but if you test us with a shortage, we will ask to see your license, Doctor!
3. A shortage of junk mail related to discounts on delivery pizza! This is a waste of paper that could be used to stuff the crusts of cheap pizzas!
Mummified Hamburger Continues To Party Like It’s 1999
As we’ve been writing this week, a Utah man found a mummified 14-year old McDonald’s hamburger in his pocket. After turning down a $5,000 offer from a local DJ who might eat the thing, we’ve been trying to help the man come up with other uses for the burger.
So here are three more:
1. Stare at it like you used to stare at the Internet before a massive cable outage. (Coincidentally a massive cable outage is happening right now at the NTWN headquarters!)
2. Since it appears indestructible, pound it with your fist every time Clippy from Windows 97 asks you if you are trying to write a letter, when you are not writing a letter but rather really trying to create a chart to see which will last longer: a burger from 1999 or Clippy’s career.
3. See whether your burger will continue partying like it’s 1999 longer than Prince. This is a tough call, because we still remained convinced by his lack of aging since 1999, Prince may be a vampire. On the other hand, Prince is a vegetarian (the worst kind of vampire!), so the hamburger is likely safe to keep on keeping on in his presence.
Man Could Have Had Incredible Return On Investment On 14-Year-Old Hamburger on eBay!
CNN reports that a Utah man found a 14-year-old McDonald’s mummified hamburger in his coat pocket, which he has since refused to sell to on eBay for $2,000 or to a radio DJ for $5,000.
The man paid $0.79 for the burger, so that would be over a 632,000% rate of return for something bought in 1999 before the dot com bubble crash! Look out, Warren Buffett, Omaha isn’t the only rural state full of awesome investors!
3 More Things The Man Could Consider Selling For $5,000
1. 60 Bottles of 14-Year-Old Whiskey. The man lives in teetotalling Utah, he should take what he can get! Especially since we’re guessing the whiskey is probably safer to consume than a rebellious, teenaged-hamburger. As Jim Cramer might say “Sell, sell, sell!”
The bigger question: is plastic a good long-term investment?
2. IKEA meat products filled with horse or the-opposite-of-elk or any-creature-not-on-the-label DNA! These items are rare to begin with. When was the last time you noticed food in the winding furniture maze of an IKEA store? And these food items in the news are becoming rarer by being recalled. That’s where we’d put our food-in-the-pocket-for-14-years investment money! Buy, buy, buy!
3. His soul. As we wrote last year, those things totally go for less than $2,000 on eBay, so $5,000 is a fantastic deal relative to an old burger. That said, souls are valuable for making proper decisions of which food items to buy or sell on eBay. Hold, hold, hold!
Pig In China Born With Two Heads – Doesn’t Nature Know 2007 Was “The Year Of The Pig” On The Chinese Calendar?
ABC News reports that a pig in China was recently born with two heads.
3 Things We Might Expect Pig Head #1 To Say To Pig Head #2
1. “No, we’re not going shopping for bunk beds at IKEA. First, bunk beds are suboptimal to prevent insomnia given our shared neck situation. Second, haven’t you been reading the news? They found pork in IKEA elk lasagna in Europe! And yes, that does sound like a recipe for disaster on so many levels!”
2. “This is not the future that the Iranian scientist predicted using his time machine for China! You don’t understand that current events reference either? You really need to check out Google News China or something. That’s not a thing? Oh.”
3. “You know what they say, two heads are better than one, unless they’re pork heads in your elk lasagna, and you don’t eat pork! What? You only speak Mandarin? I knew something was lost in translation!”
Man Resigns From Job On A Cake! We Hope The Job Wasn’t Helping Illiterate Robot Bosses Operate A Cake Assembly Line!
Yahoo reports that a man who calls himself “Mr. Cake” sent a letter of resignation to his recent employer written in icing on a cake.
So for all of you people who have been calling yourselves “Ms. Angry Email,” or “Mr. Thirty-Page-Letter-Explaining-Why-Nobody-Appreciates-My-Efforts,” it looks like you have new competition in the job-quitting-creativity business.
Fortunately, you don’t have competition with Mr. Cake in the job-searching business as his letter indicated he wants to sell more cakes at his own business.
3 Other Places We’d Like To See Employees Write Resignations
1. Using atoms on a microscope slide. This is a fun way to let your employer you know exactly how nanotechnology works, and while they have eyes focused on the microscope, you can deliver a second notice of resignation on a…
2. Vanity License Plate. As your boss sees your tires squeal as you race off into the distance, your “I QUIT” license plate will confirm the message delivered by the atoms. And if you get a speeding ticket, the unsympathetic officer who refused to let you off the hook on your bad day might write “I QUIT” on the ticket, causing him to inadvertently lose his job!
3. Parking Tickets. If you are a parking officer and write “I QUIT” on every ticket, all kinds of people will know you quit, and know to fight the tickets because you will not show up for Court. And it’s a good thing you quit, because the person who gets summonsed to court because they have a hundred tickets from one day because they thought an “I QUIT” vanity plate would get them off the hook for tickets, would likely be very mad at you if you were at Court!
We’re Hoping Girl Who Eats Ramen Noodles Every Meal Gets Bored Of Ramen Noodles Like Many University Students Who Make The Same Microwavable 30 Cent Meal Every Day…
The New York Daily News reports that a British eighteen-year-old, who suffers from a non-recognized condition called “selective-eating disorder,” has spent the past 13 years phasing out everything but ramen noodles from her diet, which is currently the only thing she will eat.
Despite the fact that this is unhealthy, and her doctors say she has the health of an 80-year-old, you are reading an uplifting web-site, so there must be a bright-side, right? Well, maybe someone reading about this in the news can help this girl overcome her condition, so she can improve her health and Wii-fit health age. Until then, here are:
3 Worse Things Someone Could Eat Than Ramen Noodles Every Day.
1. Ramen noodles secretly containing horse DNA, mystery seafood products and pork-labelled-as-elk, the latter of which was recently found in Elk lasagna at European IKEA stores, according to the BBC. People of Europe, maybe it’s time to ask why you are shopping for your wild-game groceries at an assemble-it-yourself furniture store!
We’re sure everyone would be happier if this girl tried some ramen noodles in Japan with healthy vegetables, instead of the mystery vegetable-flavored powder available at stores.
2. Elk lasagna made with real elk and not pork! Why is this a thing, and preventing elk-hunters along with the rest of the American public from buying Bushmaster assault rifles from their friends, without a background check not a thing?
3. Any giant cup advertising ramen noodles on the roof of a building at Times Square! Yes, it is possible to find something with the words “ramen noodles” on it that is less healthy than ramen noodles.
