A recent Public Policy Polling national survey asked American registered voters whether they believed in various conspiracy theories.
“Do you believe that shape-shifting reptilian people control our world by taking on human form and gaining political power to manipulate our societies, or not?”
- 4% of respondents said they do
- 88% said they do not
- 7% said “not sure”
Come on, 7%, get off the fence already and inform yourself about the issues that affect the world you live in, before a lizard scurries up the fence and knocks you off!
This may be an interesting time to remind you, that only 2% of registered voters are members of the NRA, according to this calculation.
So twice as many registered voters believe in shape-shifting reptile manipulators than are members of the NRA, or are just smart-asses who answer “yes” to everything in meaningless surveys.
So why aren’t the reptile-conspiracy theorists on the news every night and shaping America’s policy?
3 Policies We Suspect Believers In Shape-Shifting Reptiles May Advocate
1. The only way to stop shape-shifting reptilian people is with more shape-shifting reptilian people. So we must genetically engineer good, law-abiding reptilian-humanoids and place them in every school!
2. Birth certificates of any length are insufficient proof that a candidate for office is not a reptile. All political candidates must submit to DNA tests, or in the preferred alternative, testing to see if they can scurry up fences!
3. With the right amount of advertising on our issue, and lots of yelling, we lizard-conspiracy-theorists, too, can end up on all media outlets who feel that presenting both sides of a story, no matter how unreasonable one side may be, is fair or balanced reporting or even “news.”
Obama Makes A Sci-Fi Faux-Pas By Referring To A “Jedi Mind Meld,” Otherwise Known As A Normal Conversation-Opposite-Of-Faux-Pas
Yahoo reports that President Obama made an error today, combining nerdy concepts from Star Trek and Star Wars in a speech explaining why he can’t just use his mind to achieve consensus in Congress.
Actually, we disagree with the idea that combining names of sci-fi terms is an error. We are glad the President doesn’t know these specific details.
3 More Names For Sci-Fi Mind Control We Would Have Accepted From The President
1. A Jedi Subway Melt. Covered in bacon, this has all the pork Congress likes to complain about, but then approve, or not approve and also complain about.
2. “A genius way to telepathically get the media and Twitter to talk about something useless like Star Trek while a budgetary crisis may or may not be happening” Melt.
3. There is no reason to come up with a name, as everything in Congress is going just fine. And now sit back and enjoy these commercials for Subway melts on Fox News!
If you were planning on making an old joke today about dumb athletes having gold medals bronzed, hold up! There’s hardly any gold in those gold medals, as CNBC reports that Olympic gold medals contain the following metals:
- Silver 92.5%
- Copper 6.16%
- Gold 1.34%
So congratulations to all of the gold medal winners so far, but before you mail in your valuable gold medal to “Cash For Gold” to receive whatever amount of money they decide to send you in the mail, remember, the medal does not contain as much gold as you think. And if you think mailing in a gold medal to Cash For Gold would land you on their funniest things people have ever mailed in list, look out, because according to them, people have mailed in gold teeth, platinum femur rods, and gold spray-painted Pokemon key-chains.
Still the medal does look golden, and there are a lot of other things they could have made these medals of that would be less valuable, which makes us wonder…
What Might Happen If Yum Brands Made Olympic Medals? We Have 3 Suggestions! Read the rest of this entry
As we continue our week of celebration of our readers, we read a blog entry by novelist Candace Knoebel entitled “Caught In The Writer’s Block Web,” where she offers some great tips to avoid getting writer’s block, which she hopefully did not have when she’s wrote her blog entry. Because if you have writer’s block and are able to write about writer’s block, do you really have writer’s block? We’ll leave that question to the 15th century philosophers once the time machines are invented.
She also calls writer’s block a metaphorical “spider.” Coincidentally we call writer’s block “The Amazing Spider-Man.” Come on, really, Marvel/Disney/Sony, the tag line is “The Untold Story Begins” when you just began the story, for yet another time, 10 years ago with Toby Maguire! The real cause of Hollywood writer’s block is in the studio heads who keep recycling the same stories again and again, blocking many new writers with original ideas from getting their stories told on-screen. Read the rest of this entry
As we continue our week of writing entries inspired by our readers, we move on to our next entry we found in our WordPress Reader entitled “Half a letter for a finger… Confusing title, eh?” This witty entry about the illogical use of letters and numbers in ring sizes was written by a funny blogger named Felix of GrumpyComments.com. Specifically, a jewelery store employee recently told him he was probably a size “Q and a half,” which does seem like a bizarre sizing system.
Still, jewelers around the world could have conceived worse sizing nomenclature, including the 3 following sizes, that would probably lead to more confusion and frustration than when this brain surgeon we previously wrote about buried his prospective wife’s engagement ring in the sand on a beach and asked her to find it… but you need not search in the sand to find our 3 worse possible ring sizes… here they are: Read the rest of this entry
A recent series of Boston Globe articles reported that despite telling the public that he “left Bain Capital in 1999″ and “relinquished all management authority” that Mitt Romney was the CEO of Bain Capital, according to SEC filings in 2002. CNN has reported that it confirmed that:
“an SEC filing from 2001 also listed Romney as the ‘sole shareholder, sole director, chief executive officer and president of Bain Capital.’”
We at NTWN are a bit confused because Mitt Romney is running for President of the United States, yet at the same time saying he relinquished all management authority of Bain Capital, while filings indicate he was its President!
It seems Mitt Romney wants to bring his “business experience” to the presidency, and business experience can apparently include “presidents doing nothing,” a statement shareholders of marker-share-losing Nokia and RIM may agree with. Still critics on either side of the aisle might name a few presidents who they say did nothing, so this may not be as bad as it seems for Romney, even if some are questioning the legality of his filing. Still, don’t worry Mr. Romney, like all things in life this situation could have been even worse! Here are:
3 Worse Things Mitt Romney Could Have Told The SEC in 2001 or 2002
1. “I am the ‘soul shareholder’ of everyone at Bain Capital. Yes, they all sold their souls to me. I am holding these souls as a passive investment and plan on auctioning them off on eBay in 10 years, which will certainly be allowed!” Note to our readers: as we earlier wrote about here, a woman who tried to sell her soul this year for $2,000 was not permitted to do so on eBay, but days later, this dude in a kayak had success selling his soul for a cool $7! Way to beat the system, and also prove that capitalist markets do work! Read the rest of this entry