Blog Archives
A&W Paying Five Bucks To Some People To Put Ads In Their Beards (Offer Apparently Does Not Apply To Abraham Lincoln, Who Ironically Appears On Five Dollar Bills)
Business Insider reports that A&W is putting mini-advertisements in an unconventional location. For $5 a day, men can be paid to walk around with an advertisement in their beards! And that sounds like enough money to get something to eat at A&W (which you should make sure does not get stuck in your beard, because nobody is paying you to have Grandpa Burger bits stuck in your beard.)
3 More Things We’d Like To See Advertised In Someone’s Beard
1. Wizard-training schools. Who wouldn’t trust someone advertising wizardry on their beard? However, we’d expect more neon and dry ice in an ad on a Wizard’s beard, and less cardboard. Business cards would definitely not be a convincing form of advertising wizardry.
2. “If you lived here, you would be home right now.” (Only applies to insects commuting near the beard in rush hour traffic.)
3. Ads for cheap razors with a slogan, the “fifth best a man can get without paying $20 for one cartridge.”
President Gives Press Conference… In Rain… Under Umbrella-ella-ella!
Today, U.S. President Barack Obama held a press conference, in which a marine held an umbrella over his head. According to CNN, this is rarely done. Presumably because the President of the United States rarely speaks outside in the rain, because he can watch weather forecasts on CNN and stay inside when there’s a chance of rain, rather than get blown around in a hurricane like Anderson Cooper or former CNN reporter Ali Velshi.
3 Other People We’d Like To See Hold An Umbrella For The President
1. Jay-Z and Rihanna. Because if the image of the President with an umbrella is worthy of front page news on the Fox News site, then why not make it bigger news! The kind of big news like, “Ah, man, I just got this song unstuck from my head after five years and here it is on every cable news program!”
2. The Bee Girl from the Blind Melon Video. She’s good at dancing around to promises of no rain, and as we wrote last year, we hear she’s looking for work!
3. An Umbrella Salesman Selling “Made In America” Umbrellas To Protect The President From Polluted Rain Made In Southeast Asia.
That would be a rare sight indeed! Rarer than a new episode of the Office, as the final episode airs tonight on NBC. Farewell to the Office from Not The Worst News!
Good Will Haunting
Earlier this week, funny blogger Diatribes & Ovations nominated this blog for the WordPress Family Award.
That blog has a tagline: “Because RantsAndRaves was already taken.” And we would like to give an ovation to the person who thought of that name first, because they obviously know what’s in demand. And we would like to start a diatribe about how easy it is for anyone to currently buy the domain VisitThisSiteAndYouWillBeHaunted.com, when that is obviously an awesome web site name, too. See, we just gave you a good idea for a web domain – that’s good will, friends!
To receive the award all we have to do is name 100 blogs we like, 300 blogs we think are just okay, and twenty blogs we accidentally hit “follow” on while reading news about Sweden. Then we just have to post a logo for the award and then keep our fingers crossed that this award actually exists, and isn’t a ghost that lives at the haunted web site we could have bought moments ago.
Of course, we sincerely appreciate these nominations whenever we receive them, and then ignore the rules and immediately proceed to the nominator’s blog and write an entry about their blog.
And accomplishing that has never been so easy, because an entry this week that you can read here, is about funny news headlines!
And one of those headlines was about a man who reportedly accidentally shot his cousin in the shoulder at a Halloween hide-and-seek party gone awry. She was dressed as a skunk, and the shooter’s mother had seen a skunk at the party earlier and asked him to shoot it, which apparently didn’t help matters, when she was hiding on the “ground.”
And you thought you were having a bad day!
3 Worse Halloween Costumes To Wear At A Party Where People Will Also Be Hunting
1. The U.S. Constitution. Nothing’s more embarrassing or ironic than accidentally shooting someone right in the second amendment part of their costume.
2. A Copy of the DVD Good Will Hunting. Okay, shooting a DVD isn’t exactly showing good will, especially if you’re holding apples and the shooter quotes the movie “How you like them apples,” after shooting the apples, leaving you with hands full of apple sauce.
3. Bullet-proof Body Armor Salesman. Wearing the body armor would be a good idea at such a party. Carrying it door-to-door in a briefcase, not so much.
Are Upscale Homeless People Thumbing Their Noses After Urban Outfitters’ CEO Reportedly Called Customers “Upscale Homeless” People?
Buzzfeed reports that at a September 2012 analyst day, the CEO of Urban Outfitters described the namesake store’s customer as “the upscale homeless person…”
Here’s the quote from the article, which also refers to the company’s Anthropologie brand:
“”The Urban customer, we always talk about, is the upscale homeless person, who has a slight degree of angst and is probably in the life stage of 18 to 26…The Anthropologie customer is a bit more polished, a bit more older and she has much less angst…”
Sounds like a great idea for a marketing campaign, if by “marketing campaign” you mean “potentially poor choices of words you tell analysts and not your customers.”
The good news is hearing this may create more angst in the company’s customers, leading to greater angst-driven sales based on their apparent business model!
3 Questions That Arise From This Story
1. If the hipsters shopping at Urban Outfitters are “upscale homeless” people, what are the hipsters who shop at “American Apparel?” “Upscale” isn’t the first adjective that comes to mind based on some of the scantily clad models we’ve seen in American Apparel ads. Are “fluorescent” or “neon” adjectives? We hope so, because those are the first words we’re thinking of.
2. Is there a lesson here suggesting that spending too much on clothing might make you homeless?
3. Which kind of jeans best convey “angst?” We’ll vote skinny jeans since putting on tight jeans seems more likely to put people in a bad mood than looser denim.
Aerosmith’s Steven Tyler Has Spent $5-$6 Million On Drugs
Yahoo reports that Aerosmith frontman Steven Tyler has spent $5-$6 million on drugs in his lifetime.
3 Worse Things Steven Tyler Could Spend $6 Million On
1. The $6 Million Dollar Man. The star and protagonist of the show, Lee Majors is 73-years-old, making this a bad-long-term television hero investment, especially after the show was cancelled around the first time Aerosmith was famous.
2. A follow-up album to Get A Grip. Because if anyone in Aerosmith had a grip in the early 1990s, they’d know, “Eat the Rich” was the worst song ever, and ironic, given Aerosmith’s multi-million dollar status by the time it was released.
3. Cher’s pants! Steven Tyler reportedly didn’t pay that much, as Cher gave them to him. Because you know, if Cher doesn’t want something in her wardrobe, it’s gonna be completely contemporary and in fashion!
Dog Discovers $68,000 Worth Of Whale Vomit, Which May Be Used In Your Fave Perfume!
Newser reports that a British man and his dog uncovered $68,000 worth of whale vomit on a beach.
According to the article, whale vomit is a key ingredient in perfumes and spices, so if your date last night went poorly with your whale vomit perfume, and candle-lit dinner featuring spaghetti with sun-dried tomatoes and whale-vomit spices, perhaps you may want to buy the cheaper non-whale-vomit perfumes and spices in the future.
3 Things That May Cause A Whale To Vomit
1. Nude scenes and related dialog in HBO hit series Girls.
2. The giant mass of garbage floating around the Pacific Ocean, that is the size of Texas. The whale isn’t vomiting from consuming the trash, but rather the irony that someone has messed with something the size of Texas.
3. The sadness of paying $11.99 for 30 shrimp at Red Lobster and then watching someone else get paid $68,000 for its own vomit.
99-Year-Old Teacher Changed Careers At Age 82… So When Are You Going To Give Up Your Door-To-Door Encyclopedia Business?
CNN reports that a 99-year-old elementary school teacher, who started teaching at age 82, enjoys her job so much she refuses to retire. She teaches cooking, sewing and costume-making, which means if you want your kid to prepare all the food and sew all the flapper costumes for your next roaring 20s dinner party, you may want to enrol them at this school.
3 More Costumes We Think Kids Should Be Learning To Make In School
1. 120-Year Old Redwood Trees. Someone has to make the 99-year old teachers in town feel young again.
2. Jessica Chastain. This serious-looking girl’s costume allows you to go from being completely unknown, to being a Golden Globe winner and star of the two biggest box office winners in just one week.
3. Fictional Online College Football Player Girlfriend Costume. This costume allows you to go from being a complete unknown to a complete unknown. Because it doesn’t exist. So it’s kinda hard to sew.
