Blog Archives
That’s So Not Raven! Disney Reportedly Applied To Trademark “Day of the Dead!”
CNN reports that the Walt Disney Company ”filed an application to the U.S. Patent and Trademark Office to secure the phrase ‘Día de los Muertos,’ or ‘Day of the Dead,’ across multiple platforms.”
More from the article, followed by original comedy:
“Día de los Muertos is a traditional holiday celebrated on November 1 and 2 in Mexico and across Latin America. People honor the lives of lost family members or friends by building altars, holding processions, decorating gravesites and placing offerings for loved ones.”
Following a backlash, Disney reportedly withdrew the application.
3 More Potentially Unpopular Things For A Family Entertainment Company To Try To Trademark
1. Mother’s Day. Sorry folks, we’re going to have to wish you a happy “Person-Who-Lugged-You-Around-For-Nine-Months-Prior-To-Birth” Day to avoid paying royalties.
2. The Word “Trademark.” Just try to write news stories like this ever again for free, CNN! And kids may find a movie about trademarks as magical as movies about death.
3. “Brunch.” Yeah, we’ve got more bad news, kids. Now that “Brunch” has been trademarked, you’re going to have to take out your mother for “Fast-Lunch” to celebrate ”Person-Who-Lugged-You-Around-For-Nine-Months-Prior-To-Birth” Day. And because the restauranteurs take the idea of “Fast-Lunch” literally, the whole meal has to last under ten minutes, nine minutes of which your mother will remind you is significantly less time than she spent in labor.
Look Out Guys Who Propose To Women In Stadiums… Looks Like You Have A New Challenger For Public Proposals!
A Fox 54 News anchor began reading breaking news, in a video that can be seen here. The breaking news was that “News anchor to be proposed to on live TV,” at which time her boyfriend proposed to her on live TV.
3 Worse Follow Up Sentences The Teleprompter Could Have Contained To “News anchor to be proposed to on live TV.”
1. “And that news anchor now has to travel to the snake-filled Amazon, because the proposal will take place on the Travel Channel in 20 hours, assuming someone remembered to sedate the snakes.”
2. “And the news anchor has just said ‘no’ even though she wanted to say yes, because she listens to whatever teleprompters, computers or Siri tells her to do. Don’t even ask her about the time her navigation system told her to drive her SUV into a creek!”
3. “But now that we have sucked viewers in, we will run 58 minutes of the latest stories about people shoveling snow; interviews with people about how cold it is; and images of Air Force One before it takes off. That’s how we roll on CNN!”
Please Give This Entry A “C+” In The Comments Section!
The Morning Call reports that a Lehigh University graduate is suing her former school for $1.3 million for being given a grade of a “C+”.
According to the former student and her lawyer, this forced her out of a graduate program, resulting in her only getting a masters degree, which will lead to $1.3 million less in income during her lifetime.
What did she allegedly do to earn the low grade? From the article:
“She needed a B to take the next course of her field work requirement… she would have received that grade but for the zero in classroom participation that she was awarded by her teacher… [for behavior including] swearing in class and, on one occasion, having an outburst in which she began crying.”
3 Lessons From This Case
1. You can give a student a C+, and they can go on to be President George W. Bush. Or they can sue you for giving them that grade, and potentially obtain an out-of-court settlement. In other words, despite the grade appearing low, it is a recipe for future good times for the student, much like the recipe for the orange Canadian soft drink C’Plus!
2. Some schools think “swearing in class” is not “participating.” What a @%*)@#$ rip-off!
3. If you receive a Valentine today, and do not find it amusing, do not return it with a grade of “C+” marked on it, as you might get sued for millions!
Congress Working Diligently Today To See If It’s Possible To Lower 18% Approval Rating
According to Fox News, Congress, which currently has an 18% approval rating, is back to work today to try to resolve the Fiscal Cliff dilemma before everyone’s taxes go up.
Congress pushing it to the line with rhetoric reminds us of when Kramer on Seinfeld wanted to see how close to the empty line he could get the gas tank indicator on his car.
3 Things Congress Could Do To Make Itself Even Less Popular Than Doing Nothing, Causing Everyone’s Taxes To Go Up
1. Have everyone in Congress move into one house in a reality show airing on NBC, a network that hasn’t been popular since Seinfeld (unless you think Friends spin-off Joey was a runaway hit!)
2. Attend a late-afternoon negotiation seminar featuring lessons from the NHL Players’ Union and Owners because they are obviously much better at negotiating, as will be evidenced when all of the U.S. Senators agree with the NHL owners to trade themselves to the Ottawa Senators and get on the ice, starting tomorrow!
3. Announce a resolution 10 seconds before midnight tomorrow, pre-empting live broadcasts from the likes of Ryan Seacrest and Kathy Griffin, so American viewers miss the ball dropping in Times Square, as Congress ironically avoids dropping the ball.
Hugh Hefner, Aged 86, Scheduled (Again) To Marry Crystal Harris (26)
The New York Daily News reports that Hugh Hefner is set to marry his on-again-off-again girlfriend who is 60 years younger than him on New Year’s Eve.
3 Older Things Crystal Harris Could Marry
1. An immortal jellyfish. Don’t believe such a thing exists? Check out last week’s NY Times article here.
2. The novel, the Great Gatsby, published in 1925, a year before Hef was born.
3. NFL team the New York Giants (who joined the league in 1925). We also would have accepted the following other teams that joined the NFL that year: Detroit Panthers, Providence Steam-Roller, Canton Bulldogs, and Pottsville Maroons.
Google Android App Ensures Grinch Can’t Steal Christmas… By Omitting To Add Christmas Or December To App’s Calendar.
Engadget reports some devices using Google’s latest 4.2 operating system for Android, have a little problem when trying to schedule things like birthdays in the “People” App. The month of December 2012 does not exist.
Hey Google, that must have been some New Year’s Eve party last year, when you forget an entire month exists a year later!
3 Slogans We’d Like To See Google Use
1. Forgetting Christmas Since Whatever Year We Forgot That
2. Sorry We Forgot Your Birthday, But We Did Remember Every Other Embarrassing Search You Did Over The Past 11 Month Year
3. You Will Never Get Lost Using Google Maps To Get To Your Friend’s Birthday Party On December 15 That You Do Not Know About!
American Retailers Plan To Open On Thanksgiving For Black “Friday”
CNBC reports that retailers including Sears and Wal-mart will open on U.S. Thanksgiving, with Wal-Mart opening at 8 pm.
3 Better Names For Black Friday
1. The “Hey-We-Know-It’s-Thursday-But-It’s-Friday-In-China-Where-These-Items-Were-Probably-Made” Sale
2. The-Holiday-Formally-Known-As-Thanksgiving-But-Now-Known-As-”Putting-Sales-Price-Stickers-On-Blu-Ray-Players-Instead-Of-Spending-Time-With-Your-Family-Day”
3. National Unload Blu-Ray Players And Other Technology Made Obsolete By Digital-Streaming Day
Sirius-XM Implies Larry The Cable Guy Is Scary?
When we want to listen to a station of spooky sounds, we think of cackling witches, howling wolves, and whatever music Avril Lavigne and Nickelback may release together.
But over at Sirius-XM, if you want to listen to their seasonal Halloween station “Scream Radio,” they have an additional “sound” – Blue Collar “Git ‘R Done” comedian Larry, the Cable Guy.
3 Scarier Sounds Than The Voice Of Larry The Cable Guy.
1. A radio announcer yelling: “Congratulations! You’ve just won 3,000 Larry The Cable Guy T-Shirts! And yes, you must wear them all. At the same time.”
2. “Fox News declares the winner of the Presidential election is… a Roomba vacuum. Oops… sorry, we didn’t mean to cut into the Roomba vacuum commercial.”
3. The voice of Larry The Cable Guy tribute band Git ‘R Dub. It’s an entire show of four guys lip-syncing to the comedy of Larry the Cable Guy. Worst boy-band ever.
