Blog Archives
If Nobody In Italy Wants To Make Pizza, We Wonder If This Will Force A 30 Days Or It’s Free Policy…
CNBC reports that despite having the worst unemployment record in two decades, Italy has a shortage of 6,000 pizza-makers, that it is having trouble filling!
3 Pizza-Related Shortages We Do Not Want To See!
1. A shortage of items to stuff Pizza Hut crusts with. Cheese! Hot Dogs! More pizzas like a Russian Matryoshka doll! We just hope the madness never ends!
2. A shortage of Dr. Oetker products. Dr. Oetker provides frozen pizzas in countries like Canada and the United Kingdom and luxury hotels elsewhere. We don’t know whether the Doc had a Ph.D or medical license, or even why being a doctor is necessary for frozen pizza products, but if you test us with a shortage, we will ask to see your license, Doctor!
3. A shortage of junk mail related to discounts on delivery pizza! This is a waste of paper that could be used to stuff the crusts of cheap pizzas!
Congress: Gone Fishin’!
CNN reports that just a day before $85 billion in spending cuts take effect, many members of Congress have left Washington, D.C.
Which means Congress has accomplished the goal we joked about on December 31 of becoming less popular, as they now have a 15.4% approval rating according to Fox News, down from 18%.
3 Ways To Become Even Less Popular Than Leaving Town During A Crisis
1. Leaving town, and then singing Rebecca Black’s “Friday” song during Friday’s crisis. A few years too late for both actions, and also annoying.
If you’re leaving town on an airplane, it’s always a bad idea to go fishin’ in the airplane’s toilet.
2. Leaving town to head to your local movie theater to see “The Last Exorcism: Part II” on opening night. The title gives away that any promises of “last” exorcisms from the first film have already been broken! So why trust them this time?
3. Leaving town to go fishin’. Especially when according to sportsmenslink.org, the budget cuts will reduce funds used to manage and restore fish habitats!
Bankers Minus Jobs = Strip Clubs Minus Money
Yahoo reports that job losses of bankers in London, England, has lead to less business in London strip clubs.
3 Other Possible Impacts Of Fewer Employed Bankers
1. Now everyone can afford to hire their own personal banker for home games of Monopoly!
2. Now everyone can afford to hire their own personal stripper once Monopoly gets boring, because somebody thought five hours of Monopoly: Star Trek Edition would make for a great bachelor party!
3. Reporters get to expense “business trips” to strip clubs to write “news” “stories” about the correlation between banker and stripper employment that British citizens demand to know in between Royal pregnancy updates!
Canadian Super Bowl Ticket-Winner Denied Admission To U.S. For 1981 Drug Possession Conviction
CBC reports that a Canadian man in his 50′s who won tickets to the Super Bowl was denied admission to the United States, because in 1981, when he was 19 years old, he was convicted for possession of two grams of marijuana. At the time he paid a $50 fine.
3 Worse Reasons A Canadian Man With Super Bowl Tickets Could Have Missed The Game
1. Denied entry due to a Criminal Record in Canada for the real offense of alarming the Queen. It seems highly unlikely anyone would be able to alarm the Queen at the Super Bowl, unless someone phoned Buckingham Palace to say Prince Charles bet Buckingham Palace on the 49ers.
2. Thought the game was today after watching too many episodes of Monday Night Football.
3. Car navigation system could have sent him to Louisiana, Missouri.
Man Outsources His Own Job To China, Giving Him More Time To Watch Cat Videos Online!
Yahoo reports that according to a blog post, a software developer outsourced his own job to China, for a fraction of his salary, so that he could sit at work, spending part of the day watching cat videos.
Also according to the post:
“His code was clean, well written, and submitted in a timely fashion. Quarter after quarter, his performance review noted him as the best developer in the building.”
With all these cat videos being viewed, we hope the “building” wasn’t the local dog pound.
3 Other Things A North American Worker Could Outsource To China To Save Time
1. Watching cat videos. With the time you save, you could buy a cat, create your own videos, upload them to the internet, and then pay your outsourced cat-watcher to watch your masterpieces. (In this era of increasing global automation, this is really the best way we can think of to keep people around the world “employed!”)
2. Exercise. With the growing popularity of KFC and McDonald’s in China, it really seems like the right thing to do after introducing the country to these fast food products!
3. Finding China on a map. Perhaps people in China may be good at this task, unlike the sociology students at a Canadian University, who according to CBC, now have to pass a test naming the continents to pass the course, because the professor was dissatisfied that too many students couldn’t find Asia, Europe, Africa or North America on a map. Who has time to study for a test naming continents? “Not me,” exclaims Pierre “I-Can’t-Wait-To-Drive-From-Newfoundland-To-Paris-For-Summer-Holidays” Jenkins.
Treasury Can Mint Trillion Dollar Coin To Solve All Of America’s Problems… Except Trillion Dollar Coins Getting Stuck In Vending Machines, When All You Want Is A Bottle Of Filtered Water
Fox News reports that although extremely unlikely, the U.S. Treasury Department could in theory, mint a one-trillion dollar coin to pay off U.S. debt if the debt ceiling issue is not resolved in a timely manner.
3 Worse Uses Of A Trillion Dollar Coin Than Paying Off Some Of The U.S. Debt
1. Trying to win a SpongeBob SquarePants stuffed animal by tossing the coin on a plate in a carnival game. We’re not saying that the plates are greased, but… Shhhhhhh! The plates may be greased.
2. Trying to pay a toll at an E-Z Pass lane at an Interstate toll booth. You’re in the wrong lane! Cars are honking, and you can’t turn around! And to add insult to injury, a security alarm goes off after you drive through after trying to resolve the matter by tossing the trillion dollar coin into a payment receptacle. You haven’t felt like such a criminal since you set off alarms touching razor blades at Wal-Mart.
3. Get drunk and leave it as a tip at a bar, where the waitress throws it back at you because she thinks coins are insulting. You’re having worst luck than Richard Prior in Brewster’s Millions trying to spend this thing!
Congress Working Diligently Today To See If It’s Possible To Lower 18% Approval Rating
According to Fox News, Congress, which currently has an 18% approval rating, is back to work today to try to resolve the Fiscal Cliff dilemma before everyone’s taxes go up.
Congress pushing it to the line with rhetoric reminds us of when Kramer on Seinfeld wanted to see how close to the empty line he could get the gas tank indicator on his car.
3 Things Congress Could Do To Make Itself Even Less Popular Than Doing Nothing, Causing Everyone’s Taxes To Go Up
1. Have everyone in Congress move into one house in a reality show airing on NBC, a network that hasn’t been popular since Seinfeld (unless you think Friends spin-off Joey was a runaway hit!)
2. Attend a late-afternoon negotiation seminar featuring lessons from the NHL Players’ Union and Owners because they are obviously much better at negotiating, as will be evidenced when all of the U.S. Senators agree with the NHL owners to trade themselves to the Ottawa Senators and get on the ice, starting tomorrow!
3. Announce a resolution 10 seconds before midnight tomorrow, pre-empting live broadcasts from the likes of Ryan Seacrest and Kathy Griffin, so American viewers miss the ball dropping in Times Square, as Congress ironically avoids dropping the ball.
Even Yodeller From Price Is Right Probably Doesn’t Want To Go Over Fiscal Cliff… But If He Did Near The Cliff, What Would He Sing?
CNBC reports that a new study indicates that 67% of the top one percent of income earners in America support higher income taxes.
Unfortunately, when a large number of members of Congress sign a pledge saying they won’t vote to raise taxes under any circumstances whatsoever, they got to stick by their pledge, even if they all know that by not voting on anything, everyone’s tax rates will go up.
Suddenly, we find ourselves missing the days when politicians just lied, instead of signing promises that are impossible to keep.
3 Christmas Carols We Hope Congress Sings This Christmas Eve
1. “While Shepherds Watched Their Stocks.” This song reminds us that Shepherds will be very sad if their favorite investment ConAgra Foods Inc., maker of sauces for Shepherd’s Pie, sees its stock go down if no deal can be reached.
2. “God Tax Ye Wealthy Gentlemen.” Naturally, we hope they sing the updated, socially equal version of the song that has lyrics about taxing wealthy women, and men who are not gentle. (We’re looking your way, Ted Nugent!)
3. “Do You Hear What I Hear?” Because we hear the majority of American’s want a compromise on the fiscal cliff, according to the polls we hear (We get Siri to read polls to us, rather than read them ourselves.) Maybe congress hasn’t heard this because Ted Nugent hasn’t referred to polls taken after 1979 in a song yet.
Do you have better Christmas Carols for Congress? Yes, you probably do! So feel free to name them in the discussion section below!
Mitt Romney Says He Likes Big Bird At Tonight’s Debate… But He Will Cut Subsidies To PBS. Which Kids’ Characters Could Be Next?
At tonight’s Presidential debate, Mitt Romney told moderator and former PBS anchor Jim Lehrer that although he likes Big Bird, he will still cut subsidies to PBS.
3 Other Possible Kids’ Characters Mitt Romney May Want The U.S. Government To Stop Subsidizing
1. The Exxon Tiger. Mitt implied he could put cutting subsidies to big oil companies on the table if the corporate tax rates of those oil companies were lowered. This could be terrible news for the Exxon Tiger, because let’s face it, as fun as animated tigers may be, there aren’t many kids filling up their tricycles with premium gas. Which is probably why other corporations use animated tigers to sell Gr-rrr-reat sugary children’s breakfast cereals! Know your audience, zoo animals!
Mascots throughout Washington D.C. wonder if their jobs are safe!
2. The guy in the Elmo suit who keeps getting in trouble for offensive rants in Times Square. Remember, when police haul him off to jail, it’s taxpayers’ money putting him there. So cutting spending on his arrests may be a bad idea, as more innocent tourists may quickly learn Times Square is not Disneyland, and hugging people in Sesame Street outfits there is done at their own peril.
3. The Schoolhouse Rock Bill On Capitol Hill. As fewer bills mean less government spending, if the singing Bill On Capitol Hill is still employed in a Nick At Nite rerun somewhere, he may want to search for a new job if Romney gets elected. And if Romney gets elected, we might suggest the well-paying job of being a bill at the Cheesecake Factory, where Mitt reportedly had dinner before the debate. Unfortunately, being a bill at the Cheesecake Factory is harder work than singing, because you have to know all 10,000 eclectic menu items in the menu catalog off by heart! And you thought this Bill had blues to sing on Capitol Hill – that menu probably has more pages than the Obama healthcare legislation!
