Blog Archives
If You Are Looking For A Convenient, But Bad Deal On Clay, Have You Tried Buying An iPad?
CNN recommends that you open iPad packaging and look inside before purchasing the device, because some customers at places like Wal-Mart and Best Buy have left the store, only to find a fake decoy iPad, or plastic bags filled with modelling clay.
According to the CNN, a theory of how this happens is people buy iPads, and then return the box with a different object inside. If true, that means nobody at the Customer Service departments at these stores opened the boxes to verify what’s inside. Which is ironic, because prior to media attention, at least one store reportedly refused to allow a return of a fake iPad – suggesting that the customer compounded their problem by showing what was in the box!
3 Worse Things To Find In An iPad Unboxing Than Bags Of Clay
1. An iPad box containing an iPad Mini Box, containing an iPod Touch box, containing an iPod Nano box! That’s a classic Matryoshka doll of Apple packaging!
2. A kidney that someone from China used to buy an iPad. Now you have to spend hours figuring out how to unlock a kidney to figure out how to preserve it on Web MD!
3. A bunch of parts, along with instructions of how to assemble your iPad written in Swedish. You should have been suspicious that someone tampered with something when you saw a brown box with a sticker saying “iPad” on it at IKEA!
Georgia Peach Thieves Beware… Town May Require All Heads Of Household To Be Armed
CNN reports that the town of Nelson, Georgia, population 1,300, is considering a law that requires “every head of household residing in the city limits… to maintain a firearm, together with ammunition therefore.”
Well, every head of household except people with physical or mental disabilities, “paupers,” felons, and those who oppose gun ownership based on “belief” or religious doctrine.
The good news is that by the apparent wording, anyone who believes this is a bad idea may not have to participate.
3 Questions That Arise From This Law
1. What if six college kids live in a house, three of which are paupers, and three of which are trust fund kids who never do their dishes? Who is the “head of household?” And how drunk do college kids have to get before they are considered “mentally disabled?” These are the questions we want answered before these kids announce their next keg party on Twitter, preferably answered in 140 characters or less.
2. Is this town named after Simpsons bully Nelson Muntz? If so, shouldn’t sling-shots and “ha-ha’s” also be mandatory?
3. Just back to this whole “head of household” deal… is there an election to determine who is the head of each household? We’re going to assume “yes,” in which case we look forward to about 650 election campaign ads on Georgia TV! We envision ominous music with a narrator saying stuff like: “Your roommate, John Jenkins, never did his dishes all semester because he forgot to buy dishwasher detergent… can he really be trusted with a gun? Jenkins. Wrong for dishes. Wrong for Head Of Household.”
Alleged Identity Thief Orders Drink Using Waitress’ Stolen I.D., Proving You No Longer Need To Suspend Disbelief When The Next Incarnation Of “17 Again” Comes Out!
Colorado’s 9NEWS reports that an Applebee’s waitress got a surprise when she asked a margarita-ordering customer to show her I.D.
The customer was an alleged identity thief, and reportedly handed the waitress the waitress’ own I.D., apparently unaware that she was being served by the person in the photo on the identification!
The waitress phoned the police, and an arrest was made, because Applebee’s is where the action is at!
3 Things That Could Have Made This Situation Stupider
1. The police could have arrested the waitress, because the patron could have switched bodies with her in a true Freaky Friday-like identity theft incident.
2. The patron could have been a man, and handed the woman her I.D., today, on International Woman’s Day, at Applebee’s sister company, IHOP, formerly known as the International House of Pancakes. Worse International Women’s Day Commemoration At A DineEquity Restaurant Ever.
3. The patron could have been a tea-ordering Tea Party member and said “I don’t need I.D. to order tea, Stupid! But here it is anyway, Stupid, and I will continually refer to you as ‘Stupid’ instead of the name on your name tag, or the name on the I.D. I am about to hand you.”
Burglar Breaks Into Incorrect Home, Thinking It Was Rihanna’s House.
Yahoo reports that a man was arrested in Los Angeles for breaking into a house, which he incorrectly thought was Rihanna’s home.
3 Things That Could Have Made This Situation Worse For The Man
1. The man could have been listening to the song by Eminem featuring Rihanna called “Love the Way You Lie,” after someone totally lied to him about Rihanna’s address.
2. The house could have been NRA-member and musician Ted Nugent’s house, and the burglar could have luckily not been shot by Nugent, but had to listen to Nugent’s rendition of “Rock N’ Roll Hoochie Koo.”
3. The burglar could have busted into Vince McMahon’s house and heard the WWF album version of Rock N’ Roll Hoochie Koo, before being taken down by the Honky Tonk Man in the classic “Shake Rattle N’ Roll” finishing move.
Man Uses iPhone Siren To Try To Pull Over Real Cop
WAFB reports in a video you can see here, that a Memphis man was arrested for impersonating a police officer.
How’d he get caught? By pulling over a uniformed, off-duty police-officer.
How’d he pull him over? By using an iPhone siren/flashing light app.
3 Worse People To Pull Over With Your iPhone Fake Siren App
1. The developers of a fake siren app. “Whoa, we never expected anyone would fall for this,” the developers may say, “Especially us, since we totally created it when we were high.”
2. Someone playing a driving game on an iPhone. They’re not going to be happy having to pull over their cyber-car, ruining their cyber-high score.
3. Girls in a bar. “You’re so hot, you’ve caused a 3 alarm fire. Don’t believe me? Check out the 3 morning alarms also on my iPhone,” may sound like a good pick-up line… until the ladies start noticing your alarm clocks are all set for 3pm, raising the question as to whether you were telling the truth when you said you were really a school teacher.
Canadian Super Bowl Ticket-Winner Denied Admission To U.S. For 1981 Drug Possession Conviction
CBC reports that a Canadian man in his 50′s who won tickets to the Super Bowl was denied admission to the United States, because in 1981, when he was 19 years old, he was convicted for possession of two grams of marijuana. At the time he paid a $50 fine.
3 Worse Reasons A Canadian Man With Super Bowl Tickets Could Have Missed The Game
1. Denied entry due to a Criminal Record in Canada for the real offense of alarming the Queen. It seems highly unlikely anyone would be able to alarm the Queen at the Super Bowl, unless someone phoned Buckingham Palace to say Prince Charles bet Buckingham Palace on the 49ers.
2. Thought the game was today after watching too many episodes of Monday Night Football.
3. Car navigation system could have sent him to Louisiana, Missouri.
Swedish Police Confuse Video Game Sounds With Crime Scene… This Never Would Have Happened If They Were Playing Mr. Do!
The Local reports that a group of teenagers in Sweden playing the video game Call Of Duty in an apartment, got an unexpected surprise when the police raided their flat after passers-by phoned in reports of gunfire and cries for help.
3 Worse Reasons For A Swedish Swat Team To Bust Into Your Apartment
1. Giant shadow of Absolut Vodka on your apartment’s blinds looks like the monster B.O.B. from Monsters vs. Aliens.
2. Improperly assembled IKEA knife rack arouses neighbors’ suspicion by throwing knives. (You put the knives in the toaster, which clearly wasn’t in the IKEA instructions, which you may have noticed if you hadn’t drunk too much Absolut vodka.)
3. Chef from Muppets disobeying local by-laws by keeping live chickens in an urban residential dwelling.
Cat Busted As Prison Break Accomplice!
BBC reports that in Brazil, a cat was detained at a prison after attempting to enter the prison with contraband items taped to its body.
From the article:
“The confiscated items included drill bits, files, a mobile phone and charger, plus earphones The cat was taken to a local animal centre.”
Also from the article:
“A prison spokesperson was quoted…as saying: ‘It’s tough to find out who’s responsible for the action as the cat doesn’t speak.’”
The cat may not speak, but we can only hope that the prison officials searched for Garfield-style bubble captions before they released the cat.
3 Worse Ways A Cat Could Get In Trouble With The Law
1. Impersonating a mime at a prison. This would distract guards as the cat pretends it’s trapped in a box, while prisoners ironically try to escape.
2. Breaking into a house with four cats in Wellington, Kansas, which as we’ve written about all week, has a four cat legal limit! Just try to explain to authorities “Honest, Officer, I don’t know where that fifth cat came from.”
3. Successfully breaking a prison dog out of prison. But at least the 2000 mystery as to “Who Let The Dogs Out” would be finally solved!
UPS Employee Caught On Video Un-Delivering FedEx Package
CNBC reports that a homeowner with security cameras caught a UPS deliveryman stealing a FedEx package containing an iPad, which was a gift for the homeowner’s daughter.
After posting the video on YouTube, the homeowner eventually received the package. And as long as the daughter doesn’t watch YouTube, we’re certain she’s in for a surprise when she opens the gift!
3 Worse Things A Delivery Person Can Steal From Your Home
1. The house keys under the welcome mat. Do you really think this is a good hiding place, especially on bright days when the sun shines on the keys through the woven mat? You should have never bought solid gold keys to hide under your dinosaur-bone-encrusted welcome mat of your Beverly Hills mansion!
2. The camera recording the theft of an iPad. Now the thief has three cameras, all of which can be used in an iPad ransom video to you and a Skype “Merry Christmas” conversation with the thief’s grandmother.
3. A frozen pizza that advertises with a slogan that “It’s not delivery,” which the thief then delivers to a neighbor, raising doubts of the pizza maker’s entire ad campaign.
Bleach Company States The Consumer Is Coming Back! We’re Sure They Don’t Need All That Bleach For Anything Suspicious!
CNBC reports that Clorox, makers of products including bleach, has stated that the U.S. consumer is starting to turn around.
Hopefully, if it’s to buy bleach, it’s not to copy the criminals in Ben Affleck’s movie the Town, or the alleged “splash and dash” criminals in New York who copied the movie the Town, by splashing bleach on ATMs to hide their DNA evidence after robberies.
Although robbing ATMs is bad and not recommended, the good news is… hey, you may have used an ATM without germs all over it that may get you sick when you withdrew money to buy finger foods like french fries, and chicken fingers, and all of the unwrapped mints at the front of the restaurant. (The mints are usually free – you really didn’t have to buy them.)
3 Other Products That May Or May Not Tell Us If The U.S. Consumer Is Improving
1. Shovels! (To bury Facebook stock certificates in hope that they are worth more in 2062).
2. Fictional, virtual merchandise like virtual shovels in Farmville. This could mean the U.S. consumer is back, if you define three-year-olds who randomly press their parents iPhone screens as “consumers.” (p.s. parents, you should really disinfect that phone! Is that also why Clorox sales are up?)
3. Billboard space in Ohio and Florida. If billboard leases are on the rise, maybe it’s for the one time reason of blanketing battleground states with ads as the election approaches. Or maybe everyone is visiting Disney World and the “Disneyworld of Ohio” (formerly known as the Columbus Disney Store.) And maybe those visitors are using Clorox wipes to disinfect any toys purchased at these venues and buried in the background by the dog, next to the Facebook stock. It all makes sense now!
