Blog Archives
Baseball Player Traded For “Nothing” And We Mean Literally Nothing In Return!
Yahoo reports that the Philadelphia Phillies traded pitcher Mike Cisco to the Los Angeles Angels for nothing. This was not a waiver or release, and the Phillies received absolutely no cash compensation.
3 Worse Things To Receive In A Trade With The Angels Than Nothing
1. Actual Angels In The Outfield from the movie of the same name. Those invisible angels are such big cheaters that they’d likely cause a bigger scandal than the last steroid scandal, meaning nobody gets into the Hall of Fame for years to come!
2. Rude gestures from the Rally Monkey. This isn’t the 1980s movie “Every Which Way But Loose,” where acting legend Clint Eastwood brought the comedy by acting with a monkey, which may have seemed like a low point at the time, until Eastwood later started acting with chairs. We eagerly await Eastwood’s next movie: “Monkey Bars.” No monkeys. No chairs. Just an empty bar. And this time, it’s personal.
3. The part of the Angels team name that it is legally required to keep because it promised the City of Anaheim to keep the word “Anaheim” in its name. Hey visiting team fans, enjoy finding Citizens Bank Park on a map for the next Philadelphia Phillies of Anaheim game!
Dolphin Stampede!
The LA Times reports in a video that can be seen here that 1,000 dolphins stampeded near a whale-watching boat near Dana’s Point, California.
3 Worse Things Than Seeing 1,000 Dolphins On Your Dream Whale-Watching Trip
1. Not seeing any whales, because they’re all dressed in camouflage of blue water and floating fast food containers (that floated over from China), watching you.
2. Seeing 1,000 dolphins, animals considered to be the smartest in the world, running away from something, and just sitting in your boat and watching, instead of following the wise dolphins. Did nobody see Independence Day or Jaws 3-D?
3. Trying to see 1,000 dolphins talk their way out of speeding tickets with Megan Fox, using technology displayed in recent Microsoft commercials.
Self-Driving Cars Now Legal In California, 30 Years After Knight Rider’s KITT Was Thrown In Prison
CNN reports that self-driving cars are now legal in California. “That’s soooo 1983,” declares Knight Rider’s Kitt, who was thrown in jail years before the unfunny cast of Cars 2!
3 Worse Things Than Being A Self-Driving Car In California.
1. Being a self-driving car for Paris Hilton or Lindsay Lohan in California. “This is awesome,” everyone thought, “Now these two people who are not bright enough to use all their money to get a chauffeur will never drink and drive again!” But because they’re not bright, they’ll fill up the car with Grey Goose instead of mere premium gasoline, resulting in the car getting busted for impaired driving.
These are not the “premium” liquids your car’s instruction manual meant you to fill up with!
2. Being a self-driving car in Los Angeles during rush hour! Then you’re really just a self-parking car, and all of the self-parking Lexuses will make fun of you, fancy-pants!
3. Being a self-driving car in California in the sequel to Driving Miss Daisy. You just put Morgan Freeman out of work, right when he was going to cross “riding in a self-driving car” off his bucket list, you jerk!
The Price Is Right Turns 40, Which Means All Of You Who Thought The Show Was At Least 50 Years Old Overbid, And Won’t Win The Showcase Showdown!
CBS News reports that epic Californian game show the Price Is Right has turned 40 years old!
3 Things Worse Things Than “The Price Is Right” Turning 40 Years Old
1. Nice grandmothers will come on the show and say they’ve been watching every episode for all 40 years, but win nothing, because they never retained what the price of anything ranging from new cars to a box of Rice-A-Roni actually cost. Read the rest of this entry
Oh, Canada! Some Bandit Stole Your Bees. Half A Million Gone. In Abbotsford, BC!
And in case you’re wondering, you can actually sing our headline to “Oh, Canada.” Now to the news…
According to CBC News, half a million bees and about 8,000 pounds of honey were stolen from a beekeeper in Abbotsford, British Columbia, Canada.
As we wrote earlier this summer, in our continual quest to help Ellen Page, narrator of the documentary Vanishing Of The Bees find the bees, 500,000 bees were flown from Sweden to Greenland. Canadian police, and Canadian Ellen Page, we’re not saying that Greenland is involved in this latest incident… but they sure do seem to have an interest in half-million bee increments there….
This heist resulted in the theft of more bees than the population of the entire city of Sacramento, home ironically of the Sacramento Bee newspaper! We can imagine stealing a city of bees would agitate these insects that tend to sting people for lesser offenses, like moving the mustard at a picnic. But could it be worse? Of course! Here are:
3 Worse Things To Steal Than 500,000 Bees Read the rest of this entry
Man’s 10-Inch Unit Causes Problems With Airport Security, Embarrassing Himself, Airport Security, And Less Endowed Male News Readers
As our week of entries inspired by our readers continues, our next entry is inspired by blogger ListOfX, who submitted a CBS News link on our message board about a man who had trouble getting through airport security in San Francisco, because security screeners were suspicious that his “World Record” sized, 10-inch penis was some sort of other suspicious package he was trying to hide in his pants.
Despite going through a metal detector and body scanner, the man was still delayed for two hours for additional screening and frisking before he could catch his flight!
“Why, why, why did this have to happen in San Francisco?” asked a fan of original-jokes-that-don’t-perpetuate-stereotypes, “Now Jimmy Fallon is going to be all over this two-hour-world’s-largest-penis-frisking-at-SFO incident!” Read the rest of this entry
Spiders + Blowtorch + California Brush = Wrong Solution To Kill Spiders!
The Consumerist reports that a California man, who was trying to clear his yard of cobwebs, decided the best gardening tool for this project was a blowtorch. This soon lead to a brush-fire in his backyard, and $25,000 worth of uninsured fire damage to his house.
Elaborate fireworks are also probably an inefficient way to kill spiders.
This is bad news for the man, but here are three worse items that someone could try to use to kill spiders and clear cobwebs in their dry backyard:
1. A blowtorch being operated by a praying mantis. The praying mantis is a natural predator of a spider, so it could have got the job done without the blowtorch! Which, by the way, it will likely be unable to lift, resulting in the entire lawn catching fire, leading to a massive lawsuit from the Local Praying Mantis Union for unsafe working conditions, after the praying mantis sprains its exoskeleton and can’t make Sunday prayer. Read the rest of this entry
Are Satan’s Presidential Hopes In Jeopardy After “Vote Satan” Sign Stolen From Couple’s Lawn?
According to CBS News Denver, in a video report that can be viewed here, a Satanist couple from Mountainview, California, alleges that someone stole a “Vote Satan” sign from their home.
Interestingly, thieves didn’t touch other items decorating their yard, including black Christmas trees, skulls, and other stuff you can probably buy at Wal-mart for major discounts the days after Halloween and Christmas.
Based on research by the Toronto Sun, Satanists don’t believe in the devil, or stealing for that matter. The Sun further reports:
“But they encourage vengeance, being unkind to people who don’t deserve kindness, and treating annoying guests ‘cruelly and without mercy.‘”
So it appears this incident won’t affect the devil’s chance of election, although raising funds through a gala fundraising campaign party may be tricky if potentially annoying party guests become aware of the above policy. Read the rest of this entry
