Blog Archives
Because You Demanded It: 3 Democrat Robots We’d Like To See
Yesterday, when writing about robots potential near-future roles in the services industry, we commented on 3 Robot Politicians we’d like to see. Blogger IndyTony astutely noticed that the 3 politicians we wrote about happened to be Republicans.
As the only robot in politics we’ve ever known was a Republican called the Governator, we just assumed that it was common knowledge, based on box office results, that more people liked to see Republican robots. But for those of you out there who want to see robots from the other side of the aisle, here are 3:
1. Harry Reid. Like all liquid metal robots, this robot is virtually indestructible, so it is less likely to spend time introducing an amendment to any proposed gun control legislation for an assault weapons ban, and more likely to introduce legislation to ban something far more dangerous to robots: vats-of-molten-metal-in-factories!
2. Anthony Weiner. Like all well-engineered robots that can be replicated using 3D printers, this particular robot has no genitals, meaning it can Tweet pictures of whatever robotic parts it wants without any danger of political ramifications!
3. Joe Biden. This virtual assistant robot makes the occasional gaffe, just like Apple’s virtual assistant, Siri. Which one will tell you you’re in Iowa when you’re really in Ohio? We eagerly await the answer from Consumer Reports!
3 Worse Show-And-Tell Presentations Than The Kid Who Brought $20,000 In Cash To School
Detroit’s 7 Action News reports that a 12-year-old brought a backpack full of $20,000 in cash to school, and started handing it out to classmates in what Yahoo news describes as “quite the show-and-tell.”
Which is quite true, because school officials did show and tell details about the incident to the police, who confiscated all of the money until they are provided with a reasonable explanation as to where the money came from! (The girl got the money from a friend, whose family has been asked to provide the explanation.)
And speaking of Show and Tell, today’s WordPress Daily Prompt challenges bloggers with the following:
“You’ve been asked to do a five-minute presentation to a group of young schoolchildren on the topic of your choice. Describe your presentation.”
Three Worse Show And Tell Presentations For Detroit School Kids Than A Free Money Presentation
1. “Why Not To Be A News Reporter In Detroit.” The presentation would begin with the real 7 Action News Story where the reporter tells the anchor that $20,000 is more cash than either of them are likely to see at once in their life time. The presentation would continue with video of Bill O’Reilly yelling at people. Then, time for a Newsweek chart showing Bill O’Reilly’s 2010 estimated income of $20 million, a math equation showing that’s 1,000 times more than $20,000, and then a Bill O’Reilly impersonation where Bill explains to the students his theory that the Detroit reporter will never see $20,000 because the Obama administration has overtaxed her by that amount, regardless of what she really makes.
2. “Reasonable Explanations Of Where You Got $20,000 in Cash So The Police Will Give You Your Money Back.” This presentation would show photos of Detroit’s three casinos, and then show 4 minutes of the Kevin Spacey film “21,” which was about counting cards.
3. “Bad Explanations of Where You Got $20,000.” This 8-mile, rap battle format presentation would include explanations such as:
- Gambling under the age of 21 after just seeing the movie “21″
- Selling drugs and stealing copper wires from the police station
- From the fancy 3-D printing machine in the basement!
Head Of British State Recovers From Stomach Flu… Right When We Accept A Challenge To Avoid Certain Letters Of The Alphabet.
WordPress’ Daily Prompt challenged bloggers today to write an entry without using a letter of the alphabet.
“Feeling really brave? Make it a vowel!”
Let’s see… merely to tell you that we’re accepting this challenge, we’ve used the letters a, e, i, o, u, and sometimes y. In other words, “Make it a vowel, but you can’t tell anyone the rules.”
That’s okay, we’ll write this entire entry without using the first letter of a popular submarine sandwich chain, and the last letter of a popular alphabet, which is also a letter in the name of the submarine sandwich chain.
And since we’ve been writing so much about fast food restaurants lately, we also won’t use the first letter of a hamburger chain that currently has a burger called the “Hot Mess” on its web page, which features a kind of pepper, that we are also not allowed to use because it starts with the same letter as the chain.
Now, that you 100% know what three letters we’re avoiding, here’s the latest news!
The LA Times reports that the Head Of State For The United Kingdom, whom we cannot name, because her name contains two of the forbidden letters, recovered from a stomach flu, and left a British hospital today.
3 Ways A British Monarch Could Pass The Time While Recovering From The Flu
1. Playing “Words With Friends.” But not the fun kind with the ten-point letters, that we coincidentally are not allowed to use in this blog entry!
2. Buying tickets online to this summer’s “Legends Of The Summer” tour, featuring two headliners: a rap star and a pop star/movie star, whom we can’t mention here. And even if we could recite lyrics of the rap star, we might have to censor his words using symbols like *. Coincidentally, the asterisk was part of the pop/movie star’s former band’s name!
3. Playing solitaire with special cards with all family members on the face cards. But not playing poker with family members, because it will get really confusing when everybody’s face is on the cards and the money.
Ad For Tonight’s Oscars Costs More Than Used Toyota Tercel
CNBC reports that a commercial during tonight’s Academy Awards will cost between $1.65 million and $1.80 million for 30 seconds.
3 Worse Things You Could Waste $1.65 Million On
1. Half a viewing of the movie Gone In 60 Seconds. Why is a movie about something being gone in 60 seconds 118 minutes long? Answer: like anything starring Nicholas Cage: who cares?
2. Any number of DVD episodes of the Family Guy. Sorry Seth McFarlane, we know you dish out the hilarious insults when you host roasts on Comedy Central, but let’s face it, Family Guy is the Simpsons without Springfield, Disco Stu, and original humor. Fortunately, when you host tonight’s Oscars, Meryl Streep and Jack Nicholson jokes are easier to write than a song about the Stonecutters’ Club.
3. Meryl Streep and Jack Nicholson jokes. Hey, someone’s gotta pay something to write these for tonight’s oscars. And as long as they’re jokes about Meryl Streep playing the best Mrs. Doubtfire ever in Julie and Julia, we agree!
P.S. Julie Powell, this blog is approaching your 365-consecutive-day record, and we’re producing all-original-comedic material!
Aerosmith’s Steven Tyler Has Spent $5-$6 Million On Drugs
Yahoo reports that Aerosmith frontman Steven Tyler has spent $5-$6 million on drugs in his lifetime.
3 Worse Things Steven Tyler Could Spend $6 Million On
1. The $6 Million Dollar Man. The star and protagonist of the show, Lee Majors is 73-years-old, making this a bad-long-term television hero investment, especially after the show was cancelled around the first time Aerosmith was famous.
2. A follow-up album to Get A Grip. Because if anyone in Aerosmith had a grip in the early 1990s, they’d know, “Eat the Rich” was the worst song ever, and ironic, given Aerosmith’s multi-million dollar status by the time it was released.
3. Cher’s pants! Steven Tyler reportedly didn’t pay that much, as Cher gave them to him. Because you know, if Cher doesn’t want something in her wardrobe, it’s gonna be completely contemporary and in fashion!
WordPress Seems To Be Liberal With Its Use Of The “Uncategorized” Category!
We recently wrote a WordPress entry where we didn’t take the time to uncheck the “uncategorized” box because we thought in this high-tech era that would be unnecessary and redundant given we checked the boxes for the categories “politics” and “humor” and also tagged nine more categories.
Guess we were wrong, as the WordPress machine still put the entry in the uncategorized category, which you can see from the screen shot below!
Final exam question: what category does the above entry fall in?
3 Questions Arising From This Incident
1. How can the entry be both “uncategorized” and about “politics?” Is this some sort of artificially intelligent computerized social commentary on the state of gridlock in Washington, D.C.? And if it is, we remind all artificially intelligent computers and mathematical algorithms: you don’t have a right to vote!
2. Does the fact that we just mocked computers lack of a right to vote mean that they are going to rise up and show us who is boss? If so, we look forward to President Siri, because she (or “he” in Britain) always gives an appropriate answer to “Who let the dogs out?”
Will somebody please solve this mystery, so drunk 50-something-year-olds stop randomly yelling this when no music is on in bars in the year 2013?!
3. How can something that is “uncategorized” fall into the catergory of “categories?” We’ll let the philosophy majors debate that one for the rest of eternity!
You’re More Likely To Get Injured By A Toilet Than Bitten By A Shark
CNN reports that in 1996, toilets injured 43,000 Americans. In contrast, last year 53 Americans were attacked by sharks, the highest level since the year 2000.
And you thought it was embarrassing when you dropped your iPhone in the toilet!
3 More Embarrassing Ways To Injure Yourself
1. Severe paper-cut from reviewing legal papers to launch frivolous lawsuit for injuring yourself on the toilet.
2. Shark biting off back of your Speedo while telling attractive woman on the beach about the unlikelihood of getting bitten by a shark versus getting injured on a toilet.
3. Losing fight to San Jose Shark mascot in men’s room at HP Pavilion after demanding shark refund you after your HP computer crashed in the middle of writing your blog.
We’re Not Saying He’s A Vampire, But Prince Looks Identical To 1980s Prince At Grammy Awards
Prince presented an award for best record at tonight’s Grammy Awards, looking an awful lot like 1980s Prince.
3 Celebrities We Are Glad Are Not Vampires
1. Robert Pattinson (An actor who’s not that great an actor acting like they are a vampire when they really are a vampire makes them even a less great actor. Think about it!)
2. E.L. James (We don’t like it when fictional people are vampires. Especially ones who write fan fiction based on a vampire series that manages to be worse-written than the not-so-well-written vampire series the non-existent person is copying.)
3. The Quirky Lady From The Progressive Insurance Commercials. (Now where are we going to buy vampire insurance?)
3 Worse Individuals Your Wife Could Run Off With Than A Lottery Winner
We thank funny blogger/novel writer Indy Tony for nominating us for the “Versatile Blogger Award,” an award that requires nominees to nominate 15 new bloggers to accept the nomination.
As a versatile news team, we believe in demonstrating our versatility by respectfully declining all chain-letter-like award nominations by writing an entry about the nominee’s blog, regardless of the topic.
Our position about chain-letters probably was formed when following instructions on a chain message on the PacSun Facebook fan page timeline in which the poster warned that if we did not forward the message to 15 people forthwith, a ghost would appear in our bedrooms, but if we did forward it, we would meet our crushes the next day at 8 p.m.
We were initially sceptical of this claim because we knew we were spending the next day at 8pm ironically watching TLC’s Extreme Cheapskates on one of the televisions at the local Best Buy.
While at the Best Buy, cheaply using the cheapest laptops, we only had time to forward the message to 14 Facebook Friends, most of which were each other, creating mass confusion as to whether each message received increased the requirement by fifteen people.
However, none of this created any ghosts in our bedrooms, which were mostly filled with mattresses we found in dumpsters thanks to advice from Extreme Cheapskates.
And so, due to this experience with chain letters, we will instead invest our time reviewing Indy Tony’s Blog. Which takes us to an entry entitled “Happier Than A Pig In Slop.”
Don’t be fooled by Tony’s blog title. It’s not all about pigs. There’s more to read about in life than pigs, people!
In this entry, Indy Tony, came up with a novel idea while driving from Cleveland to Rochester, to see his kids, whom he must love dearly, to drive from Cleveland to Rochester, where the most exciting thing to see en route is a McDonald’s in the middle of an interstate in Pennsylvania. Read the rest of this entry
Insurance Company May Complain Life Is Not Fair
Yahoo Finance reports that AIG’s Board of Directors will consider whether joining a lawsuit tomorrow against the United States federal government in a claim alleging “the terms of the deal” bailing out AIG in 2008 were “unfair.” Under the suit, AIG’s former CEO, according to the article, calls the initial 14.5% interest rate that AIG had to pay a “loan shark” rate.
That’s right, AIG apparently is considering alleging that the deal that prevented the company from going bankrupt, that was approved by AIG’s board, after AIG recently launched ads thanking America for its support! What if all the bailed-out companies were to sue? Here’s…
3 Worse Ways A Bailed-Out Company Could Thank You For Your Support
1. If you’re a bank you could say how unfair an interest rate in the teens is when you borrow, and then charge your credit card customers interest rates in the 20s. That would be “fair” because it reminds you of the “Roaring 20s” when everyone was rich, whereas the “teens” just reminds you of your teenage years listening to depressing music by Simon and Garfunkel.
2. Pay you back all of the money it borrowed in coins from the fountain at the corporate headquarters. The chocolate fountain. That all the executives are dipping gold-foiled chocolate coins into, while losing the occasional coin in the bottom. Yes, it would be ridiculous to dip chocolate wrapped in foil in chocolate.
3. If you’re a car company, you could run 10,000 commercials thanking America for bailing you out during the Superbowl, and then when the multi-billion-dollar bill for the ad comes, ask for a new bailout. We’ll see if America wants to bail you out again after your 10,000 consecutive Ke$ha-endorsed ads made everyone miss the entire game!
