Category Archives: Writing
Man Resigns From Job On A Cake! We Hope The Job Wasn’t Helping Illiterate Robot Bosses Operate A Cake Assembly Line!
Yahoo reports that a man who calls himself “Mr. Cake” sent a letter of resignation to his recent employer written in icing on a cake.
So for all of you people who have been calling yourselves “Ms. Angry Email,” or “Mr. Thirty-Page-Letter-Explaining-Why-Nobody-Appreciates-My-Efforts,” it looks like you have new competition in the job-quitting-creativity business.
Fortunately, you don’t have competition with Mr. Cake in the job-searching business as his letter indicated he wants to sell more cakes at his own business.
3 Other Places We’d Like To See Employees Write Resignations
1. Using atoms on a microscope slide. This is a fun way to let your employer you know exactly how nanotechnology works, and while they have eyes focused on the microscope, you can deliver a second notice of resignation on a…
2. Vanity License Plate. As your boss sees your tires squeal as you race off into the distance, your “I QUIT” license plate will confirm the message delivered by the atoms. And if you get a speeding ticket, the unsympathetic officer who refused to let you off the hook on your bad day might write “I QUIT” on the ticket, causing him to inadvertently lose his job!
3. Parking Tickets. If you are a parking officer and write “I QUIT” on every ticket, all kinds of people will know you quit, and know to fight the tickets because you will not show up for Court. And it’s a good thing you quit, because the person who gets summonsed to court because they have a hundred tickets from one day because they thought an “I QUIT” vanity plate would get them off the hook for tickets, would likely be very mad at you if you were at Court!
Head Of British State Recovers From Stomach Flu… Right When We Accept A Challenge To Avoid Certain Letters Of The Alphabet.
WordPress’ Daily Prompt challenged bloggers today to write an entry without using a letter of the alphabet.
“Feeling really brave? Make it a vowel!”
Let’s see… merely to tell you that we’re accepting this challenge, we’ve used the letters a, e, i, o, u, and sometimes y. In other words, “Make it a vowel, but you can’t tell anyone the rules.”
That’s okay, we’ll write this entire entry without using the first letter of a popular submarine sandwich chain, and the last letter of a popular alphabet, which is also a letter in the name of the submarine sandwich chain.
And since we’ve been writing so much about fast food restaurants lately, we also won’t use the first letter of a hamburger chain that currently has a burger called the “Hot Mess” on its web page, which features a kind of pepper, that we are also not allowed to use because it starts with the same letter as the chain.
Now, that you 100% know what three letters we’re avoiding, here’s the latest news!
The LA Times reports that the Head Of State For The United Kingdom, whom we cannot name, because her name contains two of the forbidden letters, recovered from a stomach flu, and left a British hospital today.
3 Ways A British Monarch Could Pass The Time While Recovering From The Flu
1. Playing “Words With Friends.” But not the fun kind with the ten-point letters, that we coincidentally are not allowed to use in this blog entry!
2. Buying tickets online to this summer’s “Legends Of The Summer” tour, featuring two headliners: a rap star and a pop star/movie star, whom we can’t mention here. And even if we could recite lyrics of the rap star, we might have to censor his words using symbols like *. Coincidentally, the asterisk was part of the pop/movie star’s former band’s name!
3. Playing solitaire with special cards with all family members on the face cards. But not playing poker with family members, because it will get really confusing when everybody’s face is on the cards and the money.
Not The Worst News Just Hit 1,000 “Likes” On WordPress! Thank You! Now Here’s 3 Worse Things!
3 Worse Things Than Getting 1,000 Likes On WordPress
1. Getting 1,000 likes on your Facebook status: “I just got dumped after losing my job! 
“ You don’t even have 1,000 Facebook friends, so who are the jerks who clicked “like” multiple times? Or is your news just so bad that the likes exceed your friends because you broke Facebook? Please note: breaking Facebook will not make you popular with any potential replacement soul-mates.
2. Getting 1,000 lakes. That just means you became the proud owner of Finland, “Land of 1,000 Lakes!” This is terrible timing, when Finland, home of the ailing Nokia smartphone maker, is scheduled to get the iPhone 5 this Friday!
3. Getting 1,000 L.A. Lakers and Laker Girls! Just one set of Lakers may have bankrupted you with this year’s $100 million payroll! But you can’t concentrate on the exact implications on your budget, because as you try to input the numbers into Quicken in your 500 square foot West Hollywood apartment, you are distracted by all of the Laker Girls jumping up and down with a marching band to Gwen Stefani’s Hollaback Girl!
Just In Time For The Olympic Closing Ceremonies… The Medals Of The Blogs We Read This Week! Tattoos, Dido, and Bucket Lists!
The Olympics are about to come to a close, and this is our 50th consecutive day of comedic blogging, so we decided to celebrate and create our own event: speed-reading of some of the blogs of readers who have liked our own entries this week! Then we awarded “comedic situation” medals. We enjoyed all of the blogs equally, so the medal choices are entirely self-serving, based on which ones provided the most comedic potential for our unique format of suggesting 3 worse situations than situations in the news, or in this case, the blogosphere.
So, now it’s time to hand out our own medals of the Summer 2012 blogs!
BRONZE MEDAL
The Bronze Medal goes to blogger Kana’s Chronicles of Team USA and her entry “A Lesson On Letting Go.” In it, this writer describes how she successfully used a photo of her tattoo as part of a job application! The job is writing a daily blog about Biker Life! And now for our comedic entry inspired by this blog – here are:
3 Photos Not To Include In An Application For A Job Writing A Blog About Biker Life
1. A Tattoo of a Plymouth Grand Voyageur. That’s not a bike! And it’s also not an “El Camino”, but that didn’t stop the Black Keys from using one on the cover of their album El Camino! Anyway, the whole tattoo-something-that’s-not-really-what-you-say-it-is would probably be a better strategy for a hipster blog than a biker blog!
2. A Tattoo of a Grocery List. This would be especially bad if the grocery list does not include anything motorcycle-related, but does include organic parsley. How much organic parsley does one really need to be reminded of to have to tattoo the reminder on their arm?
3 Words We Do Not Recommend Tattooing On Your Body! Because Tattoos are Permanent And You Never Know How Long McRib Will Be Back!
3. A Tattoo of Someone Else Who Is Applying For A Job Writing A Blog About Biker Life! You’re advertising the competition, and you’re going to be stuck with a tattoo reminding you of that major error for life!
SILVER MEDAL
The Silver Medal goes to American blogger Ashley Jillian and her entry “Comedy.” In it, she tells a tale of a friend who cried so hard while listening to singer Dido, that the friend tore “his or her favorite jeans.” Thanks for the comedic inspiration, Ashley, here’s:
3 Worse Songs To Listen To And Damage Your Jeans Than A Song By Dido
1. Limp Bizkit – Break Stuff. Okay, technically, you were doing what the song told you to do. But it’s still worse because you were listening to Limp Bizkit and it’s 2012. Even Limp Bizkit, who has been rumored to be launching a comeback doesn’t listen to Limp Bizkit in 2012.
If you insist on breaking stuff while listening to Limp Bizkit, might we suggest breaking off a piece of a Kit Kat bar instead of “somebody’s face” as suggested in the song?
2. ZZ Top – Legs. The song lyrics are: “She’s got legs, she knows how to use them.” But if you’re ripping your jeans, just by listening to music, you kinda don’t know how to use ‘em.
3. Eminem – Stan. Remember, this is a song featuring Dido, which is completely different than a song by Dido. And if the lyrics of Dido make you cry and rip your jeans, we don’t even want to imagine what happens when Eminem’s dark tragic tale of Stan is rapped into the mix!
GOLD MEDAL
Our Gold Medal of blogging goes to American blogger Lesley Carter’s entry entitled “2012 Bucket List – Adventure Awaits!” This adventurous blogger has an extensive 30 item bucket list, with links to accomplished items. But for comedic value, we will look at her bucket list item #23: “Go On An Unplanned Road Trip.”
Looks like she’s been foiled, in her bucket-listing, by putting an impossible item to complete on the list! Why? Because the entire bucket list is planning things to do in a year, so she has planned to go on an unplanned road trip! Impossible! Or, is it?
There is a way out. Let somebody else plan the road trip. Perhaps take suggestions from your numerous readers, and then draw the winning trip from the suggestions. Now that would be unplanned! There, we got you out of that logical dilemma!
And if we may suggest an unplanned road trip, we suggest a road trip to African Lion Safari, in Hamilton, Ontario, Canada, which we label: the world’s most ridiculous drive-thru. Why? Because it’s a drive-thru zoo, and monkeys may jump on your car, which may not be good for resale value. Anyway, here are:
3 Even More Impossible Things To Complete On A Bucket List!
1. Watch the Chicago Cubs win a World Series. The true proactive smarty-pantses out there crossed this off their bucket lists in 1908. But for those of you who missed it, the odds aren’t looking good, based on history, or the current standings, of seeing this happen in 2012!
You’re much more likely to see the World Series won in Yankee Stadium, unless you’re this guy, who might have his back to the action while they win it.
2. Find the Meaning of Life. We’re not talking about the real meaning of life. We’re talking about the meaning of life promised in the instructions of the Colecovision video game “B.C.’s Grog’s Revenge.” The game promised that if you ever finished it, you would find the meaning of life. However, in this game, if the character Grog even enters the same cave as your character, it’s game over. And Grog can walk into the room at any time, without warning. Which is why we think the makers of the game toyed with our emotions, as they made it virtually impossible to win or find the meaning of life. Is this the kind of Karma that caused Coleco to go out of business?
3. Start A Drive-Thru Car Wash/Aquarium Where Your Car Is Washed By Sharks And Killer Whales. Sure it sounds far-fetched, impossible, and something that people may not want to visit, but arguably so does a drive-thru zoo, and one of those has been around for decades in Hamilton, Ontario, Canada!
Thanks to the bloggers who have followed us or liked our entries, and written their own entries that have inspired us to write even more entries! Will we continue our comedic blogging streak past the current 50-day mark? Stay tuned tomorrow, August 13, at 3 pm Eastern to find out!
Boring Vanilla Headline To Discourage You From Clicking On This Post.
We get spam! For those of you unfamiliar with WordPress, it filters out spam messages that autobots try to put on message boards.
Often, you will receive the same awkward message, attempting to look genuine, repeatedly from different WordPress accounts. After deleting our favorite spam message repeatedly, we realized we wanted to write about that particular spam message, and eagerly awaited the day it returned to our spam box. And here it is!
Although Vanilla Coke has been discontinued, we eagerly await the day that Vanilla Spam is available in grocery stores!
In case you’re reading this on a small-screened Blackberry in 2008, the spammer is telling us our article entitled “Expert Says ‘Sexy’ Sausage Ad May Discourage People From Moving To Sweden Town!” is “kinda vanilla.” The spammer suggests adding a photo, indicating the spambot was unable to see our wonderful photo of Finnish hot dog cuisine that was included in the article.
We’re fairly certain that our headline is not Vanilla, because as we’ve previously written, based on your Yahoo searches for “Sexy Sausages” we are a leading authority on Sexy Sausages on the Internet.
So, loyal readers, if you received a similar message suggesting your blog entry title was “vanilla”, when it clearly was not, remember, it could be worse. Here are:
3 Even More-Opposite-Of-Vanilla Real Blog Headlines By Our Readers From Their Own Blogs Read the rest of this entry
We Will Never Get Writer’s Block As Long As People Continue Killing Spiders With Blowtorches.
As we continue our week of celebration of our readers, we read a blog entry by novelist Candace Knoebel entitled “Caught In The Writer’s Block Web,” where she offers some great tips to avoid getting writer’s block, which she hopefully did not have when she’s wrote her blog entry. Because if you have writer’s block and are able to write about writer’s block, do you really have writer’s block? We’ll leave that question to the 15th century philosophers once the time machines are invented.
She also calls writer’s block a metaphorical “spider.” Coincidentally we call writer’s block “The Amazing Spider-Man.” Come on, really, Marvel/Disney/Sony, the tag line is “The Untold Story Begins” when you just began the story, for yet another time, 10 years ago with Toby Maguire! The real cause of Hollywood writer’s block is in the studio heads who keep recycling the same stories again and again, blocking many new writers with original ideas from getting their stories told on-screen. Read the rest of this entry
