Category Archives: Travel
NBC News reports that Delta Airlines is planning on reducing the size of some economy class bathrooms to add more seats in an area behind the sinks.
3 Worse Things An Airline Can Change In Size
1. Honey, I Shrunk The Passengers! Shrinking passengers may seem like the best way to increase capacity, until they arrive at your destination, and the shrinking machine is broken, and the relatively giant-sized drug sniffing dogs start licking them!
2. Honey, I Shrunk The Passengers and the Plane! Hmmm…. Seems you don’t really understand relativity, as you can still only fit the same number of passengers on the plane. The good news is that the trip from Cincinnati to Appleton, Wisconsin will only take a teaspoon of jet fuel if you filled up the plane after shrinking it. The bad news is the trip will take three years, assuming there’s no wind.
3. Honey, I Increased the Size of All Crying Babies! Have you considered working outside the airline industry and moving to the Rick Moranis plot rip-off industry?
FAA May Allow iPads On Plane Takeoffs, So Now You May Be Able To Buy A Digital Knife In Farmville In Flight, To Accompany The Real Knife You May Be Allowed To Bring On The Plane
The New York Times reports that the Federal Aviation Authority is considering allowing the use of iPads and Kindles during takeoff and landing of commercial flights.
From the article:
“the F.A.A. permits passengers to use electric razors and audio recorders during all phases of flight, even though those give off more electronic emissions than reading tablets.”
Really? There are people shaving on commercial flights?
3 Phases Of A Commercial Aircraft Flight We Do Not Want To See People Shaving.
1. The fifth hour of a red-eye flight when we want to get some sleep!
2. During takeoff. “Takeoff” does not mean take off that beard you’ve spent the past five years growing, as a mountain of hair falls on our laps.
3. While making the worst audio-recording ever: “The sweet sounds of an airplane landing while I shave my crying baby’s head.”
CNN reports that just days after Carnival Cruise Lines announced it is flying passengers to Florida from a malfunctioning ship in St. Maarten, a different Carnival cruise ship is experiencing technical difficulties that is affecting its speed. That’s four Carnival ships with problems in a month, says CNN!
3 Ways To Kill Time If You Are Ever Delayed On A Cruise Ship
1. Watch classic episodes of the Love Boat on your iPad. In those days a crew of seven could solve three romantic dilemmas in just an hour, including commercials, and still have time to steer the ship, while one bartender served drinks to everyone on board!
2. Play Carnival Cruise Ship Bingo! Just put the names of all the Carnival Cruise Ships in random order on a Bingo Card, and put pieces of popcorn on each name if a ship malfunctions!
3. Maybe it’s a good thing you’re stuck on a cruise ship. Search the entire vessel for clues of couples of every species of animal in the world assembled two-by-two. Did you find a pair of giraffes mating? Maybe a panda? What? Nothing but seagulls? Abort your mission! They’ll steal your last pieces of popcorn!
TSA Reportedly Will Stick By Its Decision To Allow Knives On Planes, So Now You Can Cut The Meat In Your Imaginary Domestic Airline Meal!
CNN reports that despite criticism from flight attendants, airlines, and members of Congress, the Chief of the Transportation Security Administration, John Pistole, stands by his decision to permit certain knives on commercial planes beginning next month.
Because, you know, having the knife you brought with you to the airport confiscated almost 12 years after 9/11 because you had no clue that knives were not allowed on planes, because you’ve never flown on a plane, never watched news about air travel, and never saw the signs at the security check indicating “no knives,” is such a hassle!
3 Other People Who May Be Unhappy With This Decision
1. John Pistole. His last name is Italian for “guns”, which are far more powerful than knives, and all anyone keeps asking him about is little knives, refusing to recognize the importance of his name in gun circles! Mamma Mia!
2. The people who make signs of things not to flush down airport toilets will now presumably have to add another item, since if you think bringing a knife on a plane is a good idea, you may also think flushing it down the plane’s toilet is a good idea.
3. Any screenwriter who spent seven years completing a spec sequel to “Snakes On A Plane,” assuming there would never be knives on a commercial plane to stab the snakes with. Time for another rewrite!
Airline CEO Wants “Standing Room” Cabins, Because Seatbelts On Planes Are As “Pointless” As Expecting Rational Arguments From Ryanair’s CEO
The Telegraph reports that the CEO of European economy airline, Ryanair, Michael O’Leary, says seatbelts on an airplane are pointless, and therefore lawmakers should allow his airline to offer “Standing Room Only” cabins with tickets selling for as low as £1.
For readers who may require actual facts to support that this idea is stupid, here is a link to an article from ABC News, referring to the 2005 Toronto Air France plane crash where everyone survived, stating:
“Safety experts point to the August 2005 crash-landing of Air France flight 358 in Toronto as an example of how stronger seats can save lives.”
Note the quote suggests “seats” are required to save lives. So in theory, seatbelts worn around the wastes of passengers as fashion statements in a standing room cabin, may in fact be pointless. Also, in theory, Donald Trump is relatively not looking like the most insane CEO in the world – and just in time for a new season of the Celebrity Apprentice!
3 Worse Ideas For Airplane Cabins Than “Standing Room”
1. Bouncy Castle cabin for children (extra surcharge for non-toilet trained toddlers).
2. “Ride with the luggage – it’s just like one of those ice vodka bars, without the vodka” Cabin
3. UFC Octagon and Steel Cage Cabin. Your friends and family have to buy a live pay-per-view program to see if you make it out of the Octagon without getting knocked out or cauliflower ears.
Treadmills Available Outside For People Who Want To Run Outside, Without All The Hassle Of Running To Somewhere
This is a photo of a few outdoor treadmills taken in Macau, China.
Prior to seeing this, we thought the reason treadmills were inside were so people could, you know, avoid bad weather running outside. Because if you were already outside, you could just run outside. But this device proves everything we knew about everything all of our lives has been wrong!
3 Worse Places To Put A Treadmill
1. On a bridge across the Seine River in France. As we previously reported, that’s a place to build bridges made out of potentially dangerous trampolines! It’s not the place for treadmills that prevent people from crossing the bridge because they keep running on the spot!
2. On top of another electric treadmill set to 10 miles per hour. The first treadmill is just going to fly off and destroy the gym wall. Safety first, people!
3. Lindsay Lohan’s house. The last thing we need to see is what happens if Ms. Lohan decides to drive the treadmill to the West Hollywood Standard Hotel nightclub “Smoke And Mirrors” in Hollywood. The club is apparently full of smoke and mirrors, which sounds like a risky place to use a treadmill, never mind drive it around, forgetting it’s not your car.
Here is a photo taken from a cab list of fare rules in Hong Kong, China. As you can see, there is a $5 HK surcharge for every “animal or bird” you bring in the cab. Note there is no limit to the number of birds or animals that may be brought into the car, which may be good news next time the characters of the movie Madagascar need to travel across a country together in a misadventure!
Perhaps the sign refers to the robotic birds that may be planning a secret takeover of the world, once their artificial intelligence learns to think for themselves. Or bird/man-eating plants that perhaps have equally nefarious plans.
3 Worse Things A Hong Kong Cab Could Impose An Extra Fee For
1. Clowns. Kids at the circus will be disappointed when they don’t get to see how many clowns can be stuffed in one car, when those clowns can’t even afford to get to the circus because the only way they know how to travel is by all 50 of them jumping into one taxi.
2. Animals In Bird Costumes. Does the human who plays the role of Big Bird not have enough problems right now with a presidential candidate promising to cut Sesame Street spending, that he also may have to pay extra money he can’t afford, next time he visits Hong Kong?
3. Big Bird Toys That Were Made In China. These toys already helped the Chinese economy! But now that we know these products may be made in China, we understand why Big Bird may want to take a trip there for quality control inspections.
CNN reports that a French firm has designed a potential tourist attraction across the Seine River – a bridge made of trampolines.
3 Worse Ideas Of Things To Construct Bridges Out Of In France
2. Three French Hens.
3. A slingshot from Angry Birds (includes three surly french hens).
Today’s news tip comes via email from blogger ListOfX. The “X” is for ten, so in case you thought it was an adult site, you can now confidently visit it at work, knowing you won’t get fired for looking at adult material, but may only get reprimanded for looking at funny top ten lists instead of doing your job.
According to Yahoo, in Florida, there is apparently a widespread problem of people driving their cars into post offices. So much so, that the U.S. Postal Service has released helpful tips to help drivers avoid crashing post offices. Tips like:
- “Avoid distracted driving”
- “Visibly check to see whether your foot is on the gas pedal or the brake pedal”; and
- “Visibly check to see if the vehicle is in Park, Reverse or Drive.”
3 Additional Useful Tips To Avoid Driving Into Post Offices
1. Visibly check to see if you are driving a car. Is it headed toward a building, like, say, a post office? If so, stop!
2. Just because the package you picked up says “You may be a winner,” do not open it while driving. p.s. By not driving into buildings, you are already a winner!
3. Do not respond to email on your smart phone while driving to the post office. You’ll be distracted, and if someone barrels through the entrance reading email, the postal workers are not going to be happy with the whole email/snail mail rivalry that’s been going on since the release of the romantic comedy “You’ve Got Mail.”