Category Archives: The Future
Mummified Hamburger Continues To Party Like It’s 1999
As we’ve been writing this week, a Utah man found a mummified 14-year old McDonald’s hamburger in his pocket. After turning down a $5,000 offer from a local DJ who might eat the thing, we’ve been trying to help the man come up with other uses for the burger.
So here are three more:
1. Stare at it like you used to stare at the Internet before a massive cable outage. (Coincidentally a massive cable outage is happening right now at the NTWN headquarters!)
2. Since it appears indestructible, pound it with your fist every time Clippy from Windows 97 asks you if you are trying to write a letter, when you are not writing a letter but rather really trying to create a chart to see which will last longer: a burger from 1999 or Clippy’s career.
3. See whether your burger will continue partying like it’s 1999 longer than Prince. This is a tough call, because we still remained convinced by his lack of aging since 1999, Prince may be a vampire. On the other hand, Prince is a vegetarian (the worst kind of vampire!), so the hamburger is likely safe to keep on keeping on in his presence.
Congratulations! You Did Not Win The Lottery! And That Is *Good* News!
Golden Girl Finance reports that a 2010 study by researchers at several universities indicates that “the more money you win in the lottery, the more likely you are to end up bankrupt.”
From the article:
“Similar research from the National Endowment for Financial Education estimates that 70 percent of people who had unexpectedly come into large sums of money ended up broke within seven years.”
Didn’t win a lottery today? That’s great news! You don’t need money to read these:
3 Ways To Celebrate Not Inheriting Money, Winning The Lottery, Or Gaining Other Unexpected Windfalls (That Would Lead To Your Financial Ruin!)
1. Time for a ticker tape parade in your living room! Don’t know what ticker tape is in 2013? That’s okay – it was used to let people know stock prices before the internet was invented. Which means if you can get your hands on some old ticker tape, you can celebrate not only how lucky you are that you didn’t win the lottery, but also that you didn’t invest your winnings in shares of apparent blue chips of the 1970s Kodak or Polaroid!
2. Get really out-of-control drunk on the cheapest light beer your convenience store sells. Why? Because you can celebrate the fact you won’t do something stupid like buy a round for strangers in a bar, because you have no money for cab fare to the bar. Remember, you have no money. After buying the beer, you can’t even buy rotating hot dogs or useless lottery tickets at the convenience store, so enjoy your freedom!
You luckily can’t afford to buy these drunk young people a thousand yards of beer!
3. Don’t spend the night in a haunted mansion! Only suckers hoping for inheritances from rich eccentric uncles they never met have to spend a night in a haunted mansion. At least that’s how it worked in 1950s movies and the Flintstones. Anyway, while you’re watching your walls not bleed tonight, and nobody’s crawling out of the TV like Poltergeist while some weather girl reads useless lottery numbers, you can celebrate that no eyeballs are going to peer out of the paintings on your walls. Ghosts really aren’t interested in watching someone drink a couple of six packs of Natural Light while watching some other sucker try to get a windfall on American Idol!
Honey, Delta Is Shrinking The Bathrooms!
NBC News reports that Delta Airlines is planning on reducing the size of some economy class bathrooms to add more seats in an area behind the sinks.
3 Worse Things An Airline Can Change In Size
1. Honey, I Shrunk The Passengers! Shrinking passengers may seem like the best way to increase capacity, until they arrive at your destination, and the shrinking machine is broken, and the relatively giant-sized drug sniffing dogs start licking them!
2. Honey, I Shrunk The Passengers and the Plane! Hmmm…. Seems you don’t really understand relativity, as you can still only fit the same number of passengers on the plane. The good news is that the trip from Cincinnati to Appleton, Wisconsin will only take a teaspoon of jet fuel if you filled up the plane after shrinking it. The bad news is the trip will take three years, assuming there’s no wind.
3. Honey, I Increased the Size of All Crying Babies! Have you considered working outside the airline industry and moving to the Rick Moranis plot rip-off industry?
Just In Case You’re Bored With Earth and American Idol, You Can Always Apply For A One-Way Ticket To Mars
The Week reports that a non-profit group in the Netherlands is seeking volunteers to participate in a reality TV show that intends to send participants on a one-way trip to Mars in 2023.
3 Groups Of People We Hope Are Not Selected For A One-Way Trip To Mars
1. Anyone who writes 10 paragraph reviews on TripAdvisor. If you complain that a Caribbean resort smells like “the ocean,” then you probably won’t enjoy spending the rest of your life on Mars, where temperatures have been recorded at around −161 °F.
2. Nickelback. While you may think this will mean less Nickelback music on planet Earth, this really may risk resulting in an entire planet of descendents of Nickelback and Avril Lavigne, and if an Asteroid ever strikes Earth, songs about Martian Sk8er Bois may be the last music left in the Universe.
3. The Tea Party. If you want to colonize Mars, it’s not the time to reduce spending on things like “creating an atmosphere” on Mars, no matter how out-of-control you may think Mars spending is.
Burger Launched Into Space!
Some Harvard students launched a hamburger over 90,000 feet into space, in a You Tube video that can be seen here.
Spoiler alert: the burger, upon returning to earth landed in a tree. So, of course, the Harvard students found a man with a crossbow to try, to no avail, to shoot it out of the tree.
Reminding us of the Hunger Games beehive crossbow incident, this made us think of…
3 Worse Things To Try To Shoot Out Of A Tree With A Crossbow
1. Pigs. (that’s what Angry Birds are for!)
2. The Hamburglar. Hey, if he found his way up a tree when Harvard students could not, chances are he’s just going to outsmart them and steal the hamburger and the arrows.
3. Another tree that fell onto the first tree that nobody was there to hear. (this will not assist you with your Harvard philosophy 101 exam.)
The Big Decision On Everyone’s Mind Today: Will CNN Break Out The Will.i.am Hologram During Its Election Coverage Again?
As some of you may recall from its election night coverage in 2008, CNN broke out the “hologram” by interviewing holograms of CNN reporter Jessica Yellin, and Black Eyed Peas star Will.i.am.
3 Holograms We Would Like To See On Cable News Election Coverage Tonight
1. Princess Leia in a hair salon chair, replacing her trademark hairdo with Mickey Mouse Club ears, now that Disney has bought the rights to Star Wars. (yes, we realize that is not a shockingly different look)
2. Big Bird – the unwilling non-partisan star of this election. As most bird-chasing cats we know also chase laser pointer red dots on the floor and walls for hours, we hope any news station that does this is also celebrating Bring-Your-Cat-To-Work-Day.
3. Wolf Blitzer. It’s about time Wolf Blitzer interviews Wolf Blitzer. It will be more intelligent than Adam Sandler’s movie Jack & Jill, where he played twins of himself, but probably less exciting. Perhaps 2012 Wolf Blitzer can interview 2008 Wolf Blitzer and ask why the entire hologram thing seemed like a good idea for the “Most Trusted Name in News” at the time.
Rich Kids Of Instagram Ironically More Popular Than Major Web Sites According To Alexa Estimates
We first wrote about the Rich Kids of Instagram in an entry that can be viewed here.
Tumblr.com, the 18th most visited web site in the world, according to Alexa estimates, is home to Rich Kids Of Instagram. Well, it’s not technically home to these kids. A quick visit to the site would indicate the summer homes of these kids are places like the Hamptons, where they can pose in front of Rolls Royces, and then submit the photo for the whole world to see!
Also, according to Alexa estimates, #RKOI is now responsible for over 1% of Tumblr’s traffic. In fact, Alexa estimates RKOI is one of the top 3,500 sites in the entire U.S.
People apparently like their “receipt porn” where kids post receipts for things like 4 bottles of Champagne for 20,000 Euros (before tip), ordered at 3:40 in the afternoon. Little do they know, you can find plenty of people willing to sell you a “real” Rolex, complete with a real “receipt” indicating the price of the watch is $20,000, including a random guy in Times Square who will sell you the watch and receipt for $50, because, you know, receipts can never be faked by anyone with Photoshop or a cash register.
3 Web Sites That Are Ironically Less Popular Than Rich Kids Of Instagram According To Alexa Estimates
1. Rolls-RoyceMotorCars.com. U.S. traffic ranking at time of writing this article = 64,913. Sorry, Rolls-Royce, the public apparently would rather view self-proclaimed rich kids they don’t know than online information about the actual vehicles. Read the rest of this entry
Stop Blaming Your Parents For Everything And Start Blaming The Weather Girl!
Today’s hot 90 degree news tip comes to us via email from comedy blogger ListOfX. According to NPR, the Mayor of a Belgian tourist town called Knokke wants to sue a private weather service for giving a negative weather forecast. A hotel that has seen its occupancy rate decline 20 to 30 percent is also taking legal action.
We would like to take a moment to remind the mayor that you live in Belgium, a place where a top tourist attraction is a small statue of a boy urinating, that locals in Brussels have been known to dress up in different festive costumes.
3 Worse Things You Can Blame On Your Local Weather Forecaster
1. The European Economic crisis. Sure, we know major U.S. corporations are reporting lower sales in Europe, but it probably has nothing to do with spending and borrowing in nations like Greece, Portugal, Italy, Spain, and Ireland, and everything to do with the fact that maybe America hasn’t exported something that would certainly help Europe’s economy: smiley sunshine faces for meteorologists to stand in front of on TV! Read the rest of this entry
New Airport Scanners Can Tell What You Ate For Breakfast! 3 More Embarrassing Things Airport Screeners Could Tell You…
Gizmodo has reported that new portable scanners, that may be used in U.S. airports and border crossings as early as 2013, will be able to use lasers to check out your molecules. Specifically, the lasers will allow the scanners’ users to know “everything about you from 164 feet away” including whether you have traces of drugs on your clothing and “what you had for breakfast.”
That would be potentially embarrassing if an airport screener asked you: “Aren’t you a little too old to be having Cap’n Crunch, Captain?” But hey, you walked into that one, showing up to the airport in your Captain Morgan uniform. Here’s 3 potentially more embarrassing situations involving this new technology: Read the rest of this entry
