Category Archives: The Environment
Can’t Find The Mayonnaise In The Fridge? Maybe It’s Because The Fridge Is Floating In A River!
CNN reports that all kinds of crazy items are being dumped and removed from America’s rivers and waterways. Items that one individual has removed over the past 15 years include:
“67,000 tires… 218 washing machines, 19 tractors, 12 hot tubs, four pianos and almost 1,000 refrigerators.”
Which is all just a reminder that trying to wash your clothes in a dirty, washing-machine filled-river, by dumping the washing machine into the river, is a bad idea for more reasons than potential electrocution. But kudos to the man cleaning America’s waterways by removing these things! Your friends probably hate helping you on moving day move a hide-a-bed down a stairway, never mind removing a piano from a flowing river!
3 Worse Things To Dump In A River
1. Dump-trucks and garbage trucks full of tires. That is really taking the entire illegal dumping thing to a whole new level of laziness, don’t you think?
2. Goldfish. Who would think freeing fish into rivers would create a risk of the fish sustaining tractor injuries? Not fish. Contrary to myths, fish have longer than a three-second memory. They can reportedly remember things for five months! That’s an entire harvesting season they watched out a window of your farm house, never expecting someone would drive a tractor into the water!
3. Guns. If someone finds a gun in a river, in addition to potentially being there for suspicious reasons, how do you do a background check if the finder wants to keep the gun? We’d hate to see a “I-found-it-in-a-river” gun-show-like loophole!
Stop Blaming Your Parents For Everything And Start Blaming The Weather Girl!
Today’s hot 90 degree news tip comes to us via email from comedy blogger ListOfX. According to NPR, the Mayor of a Belgian tourist town called Knokke wants to sue a private weather service for giving a negative weather forecast. A hotel that has seen its occupancy rate decline 20 to 30 percent is also taking legal action.
We would like to take a moment to remind the mayor that you live in Belgium, a place where a top tourist attraction is a small statue of a boy urinating, that locals in Brussels have been known to dress up in different festive costumes.
3 Worse Things You Can Blame On Your Local Weather Forecaster
1. The European Economic crisis. Sure, we know major U.S. corporations are reporting lower sales in Europe, but it probably has nothing to do with spending and borrowing in nations like Greece, Portugal, Italy, Spain, and Ireland, and everything to do with the fact that maybe America hasn’t exported something that would certainly help Europe’s economy: smiley sunshine faces for meteorologists to stand in front of on TV! Read the rest of this entry
Canadian Justin Bieber Tells Rolling Stone Aboriginal Canadians Get Free Gas At Gas Stations, Briefly Forgetting How Capitalism Works Despite Being Worth Millions Of Dollars
According to the National Post, in a recent interview with Rolling Stone, Canadian pop star Justin Bieber told the magazine that he is of part Aboriginal heritage, and this means that he can fill up his car with gas in Canada for free.
Oh, Justin Bieber, the reason you can get free gas in Canada is because you’re Justin Bieber, and your management pays for it if you race off from the pumps, we say, paraphrasing what we might expect the Congress of Aboriginal Peoples and Shell Canada to say, given the Biebs is incorrect.
In fairness, Justin Bieber got a $100,000 Fiskar Karma Electric Car for his 18th birthday on the Ellen Degenres show, so, please, Canadian media, consider that before feeling that the Biebs ought to know better when you’re filling up your Ford Windstar at the local Esso station.
3 More Incorrect Things Justin Bieber Could Think Canadians Get For Free Read the rest of this entry
Fashion Conscious Bees Swarm Swedish H & M Store, Could They Have Picked A Worse Store?
According to the Local, thousands of bees swarmed an H&M store in Stockholm, a city that happens to be the headquarters of the Swedish clothing company. The bees were removed by making them dizzy with smoke and good deals.
As we originally wrote here, earlier this summer, 500,000 bees were shipped on a plane, not being flown by Samuel L. Jackson, from Sweden to Greenland. “Why is all of this critical environmental information?” you ask.
Because in 2009, Ellen Page narrated a documentary called the Vanishing of the Bees. Ellen – we know where all the bees have gone: Sweden! And if you even think about trying to fly them to Greenland, they’ll be back, like a stray dog abandoned at the GPS section of Radio Shack! (The dog didn’t know how to use GPS, but you did give the Radio Shack employee your phone number and address when you bought your new watch battery.)
Does this Swedish Guard know where the bees are?
Look, Swedish bees, we get it. You’re patriotic, there’s an H&M flagship store on every corner in Stockholm, and you need something to wear when you go out clubbing on Patricia, aka Stockholm’s Night Club Boat. Hey nobody said these bees were discerning! Still, here are:
3 Worse Retailers Bees Could Swarm Than H&M Read the rest of this entry
Cleveland Wants Goats To Mow City Lawns, But Will This Solve Goat Unemployment?
According to ABC News, the City of Cleveland is currently considering following in the footsteps of other great cities, like Boulder, Colorado. And we’re not talking about human footsteps, but rather goat footsteps, which we guess technically should be called “hoofsteps”. Specifically, for genuine environmental reasons, goats are a better choice for lawn-mowing (aka lawn-random-grazing) than traditional lawnmowers. Where were these goats when we were kids and wanted to get out of doing chores? Read the rest of this entry
