Category Archives: television

Bad Boys Whatcha Gonna Do When A Smaller Network Comes For You?

May 8

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The Associated Press reports that after 25 years, the TV show Cops is leaving the Fox Network for Spike TV.

3 Worse Places The TV Show Cops Could Go

1. Your living room. It sure would suck to drunkenly turn on your TV on a Saturday night to view your favorite show Cops, and in a rage, thinking it’s been cancelled, fire a gun at your TV, resulting in cops from the show arriving at your door. You don’t even get the Spike TV channel to watch the action unfold and how good you look with a pixelated face!

2. HGTV. It also would suck to go outside and be busted by gardening police because you planted your perennials in the wrong season!

3. Storage Wars on A&E. “What kind of ‘Arts & Entertainment’ is this?” you’d wonder as police busted empty storage lockers filled with antique movie theater popcorn machines, every week!

Posted in Humor, television

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Look Out Guys Who Propose To Women In Stadiums… Looks Like You Have A New Challenger For Public Proposals!

Mar 20

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A Fox 54 News anchor began reading breaking news, in a video that can be seen here. The breaking news was that “News anchor to be proposed to on live TV,” at which time her boyfriend proposed to her on live TV.

3 Worse Follow Up Sentences The Teleprompter Could Have Contained To “News anchor to be proposed to on live TV.”

1. “And that news anchor now has to travel to the snake-filled Amazon, because the proposal will take place on the Travel Channel in 20 hours, assuming someone remembered to sedate the snakes.”

2. “And the news anchor has just said ‘no’ even though she wanted to say yes, because she listens to whatever teleprompters, computers or Siri tells her to do. Don’t even ask her about the time her navigation system told her to drive her SUV into a creek!”

3. “But now that we have sucked viewers in, we will run 58 minutes of the latest stories about people shoveling snow; interviews with people about how cold it is; and images of Air Force One before it takes off. That’s how we roll on CNN!”

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Jeff Zucker Off To Good Start At CNN, Which Stands For “Cat News Network,” Right?

Mar 10

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Today’s CNN.com U.S. edition homepage features a section entitled “What The Internet Is For,” featuring three, and only three, thumbnails you can click on:

  • Grumpy Cat,
  • Happy Cat, and
  • Fat Cat.

We applaud CNN, as we here at Not The Worst News started the year with cat news, and never looked back! (click on the previous hyperlinks for cat news you may have missed!)

CNN has nailed exactly what the internet is for, and so we naturally clicked on “Grumpy Cat,” a tale of an internet sensation with its own feline web site, visiting the South By Southwest Festival.

One woman came all the way from Australia to see the cat.

3 Worse Things To Travel From Australia To Austin To See

1. Abstinent bats, because Austin’s Congress Avenue Bridge has at least thousands of pregnant bats you can watch fly from under the bridge at dusk. If an Australian really wanted to see pregnant bats, they could have stayed at home and watched The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part I.

2. A Chiroptophobia convention. It means “fear of bats,” so holding the convention under the bridge may not be a good idea.

3. Coyote Ugly Austin. Again, the Australian could have stayed home and seen the movie, Coyote Ugly, to see what kind of work John Goodman used to do when he wasn’t in top movies of the year like Argo and Flight.

Posted in Humor, television

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That’s Right – 3 More Networks We’d Like To See Name Winter Storms

Feb 18

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In celebration of two of our last entries commenting on the fact that the Weather Network now names winter storms names like Nemo and Gandalf… Here are 3 more networks we’d like name winter storms!

1. NBC. Now that cable company, Comcast, bought the remaining share of NBC/Universal that it did not own from General Electric, congratulations, Comcast! You sealed that deal just in time for a series finale of 30 Rock, and upcoming series finale of the Office, leaving you with our favorite comedy, Parks and Recreation, and as far as we can tell 3,000 episodes of the Voice. However, in honor of Parks and Rec, we look forward to Winter Storm “Sleet Yo Self 2013!”

2.CNN. Now that former NBC Chief Jeffrey Zucker runs CNN, we eagerly anticipate the same kind of programming on CNN that saw NBC at the bottom of the ratings of the big four networks! Sorry, Anderson Cooper, you’re going to have to compete with Dee Snider to sell Selena Gomez gossip to New Yorkers if you don’t want to get fired from Winter Storm “Celebrity News Apprentice!”

3. The History Channel. Okay, how did shows called “Big Rig Bounty Hunters” and “Pawn Stars” end up on a History Channel? Let’s face it, it’s time for this channel’s name to be history, so it should not even be allowed to name storms when it can’t keep its own house in order!  Until then, we expect all storms to be named after historical storms, so look forward to the replay of storm Nemo, in case you missed it the first time around!

Posted in Humor, television

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Another 3 Channels We’d Like To See Naming Storms

Feb 17

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On Friday, we mentioned how the Weather Channel has masterminded the marketing idea of naming winter storms, which explains why Winter Storm #Nemo had a hash-tag in it’s name.

We suggested that we’d like to see E!, Fox News, and A&E name storms. Here are 3 more networks…

1. CNBC. All storms must either contain the word “Money,” “Power,” or “Suze Orman.” Which is all impressive until winter storm Suze Orman yells that you are “Denied, denied, denied, the right to buy a winter coat made of diamond-encrusted, unpaid credit card bills!”

2. CBS. The storms would be variations of acronyms and name the actual cities where the storms were expected, which would be partially useful when NCIS-CSI: Miami rolls into Nashville.

3. MTV. All of the storms would be named after words that broadcast TV regulators views as “obscene.” So while we’d never know the actual wide array of storm names, we would all know that we best get prepared for Winter Storm “Bleep’n Bleep Bleeeeeep!”

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If You Win Powerball, Here’s What It Will Cost To Hang Out With Your Favorite C-List Celebrities!

Wondering where the title is on this entry? So are we – because it’s at least temporarily disappeared! Here it is again, just in case WordPress deleted it on your screen:

If You Win Powerball, Here’s What It Will Cost To Hang Out With Your Favorite C-List Celebrities!

Business Insider reports that a company called Celebrity Talent International allows you to book your favorite celebs, from big names to a good chunk of ex-contestants of the Celebrity Apprentice to appear at your event for fees ranging from under $10,000 to over a million dollars.

Click on this link to see what some of your fave celebs’ asking prices are!

Creed asks $150,000-$250,000 per appearance, which initially appears to be a discount compared to Nickelback‘s $1,000,000 to $1,500,000. We can allow you to ponder whether this is really a discount. Ask yourself, with the way the stock market’s been going since the dot-com bubble, is one Nickelback worth six Creeds? (We value both bands’ music at zero, and therefore Nickelback is worth “undefined” Creeds.)

3 Additional Ways To Waste Money Booking Celebrities For Your Event (more…)

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Even Kid Who Stars In “Two And A Half Man” Thinks Nobody Should Watch The Show

Nov 26

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Fox News reports that Angus T. Jones, who apparently plays the role of the half man in the show “Two And A Half Men” is urging people not to watch the show.

Here’s a quote from Fox about what the actor who reportedly makes $350,000 an episode has to say:

“I’m on ‘Two and a Half Men’ and I don’t want to be on it,” he said. “If you watch ‘Two and a Half Men,’ please stop watching it and filling your head with filth. People say it’s just entertainment. Do some research on the effects of television and your brain, and I promise you you’ll have a decision to make when it comes to television, especially with what you watch.”

3 Worse Career Moves For A Child Star

1. Leave a $350,000-a show gig, to enter the real world, where child stars historically have a not-so-stellar record adapting, to become a professional mugger. No, not a mugger who steals people’s stuff. Someone who mugs for the camera, and gets laughs because they’re a cute kid. Warning: there are no job postings in this field for adults that we could find on monster.com.

2. Leave a TV show to do some research on the effects of television on your brain. Come to the startling revelation that watching television may require making decisions as to what to watch. This may indeed be surprising for CBS viewers who didn’t know there was more than one channel, which is why CBS dominates the ratings with 30 versions of the same crime drama show, and also why people watch Two and a Half Men, we presume.

3. Upset CBS, who may just replace you with Ashton Kutcher. Unless Ashton Kutcher is already on your show, in which case, you may be replaced with fellow former Punk’d cast member, Ryan Pinkston.

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Oprah Tweets Praise Of Microsoft Surface From An iPad

Nov 22

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Digital Trends reports that Oprah Winfrey tweeted “Gotta say love that SURFACE! Have already bought 12 for Christmas gifts. #Favorite Things.”

Sounds like a strong endorsement, except she tweeted her enthusiasm from an iPad.

3 Other Surfaces Oprah May Love

1. The surface of thousand dollar bills, perhaps received from product placement or celebrity endorsements. Remember she didn’t say she loves the surface she said “Gotta say love that SURFACE!” Kinda like the person paid in the Snuggie commercial has gotta say “blankets can be such a hassle!”

2. The surface of her iPad, because, you know, that’s where she sent the message from (you didn’t join this article midway in progress, did you?)

3. Calculating the surface area of a pumpkin pie! Because talking math is always an appropriate conversation shifter during Thanksgiving when your uncles start debating the merits of the outcome of the most recent Presidential election!

Happy Thanksgiving from Not The Worst News!

Posted in Humor, Technology, television

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The Pentagon Is Spending Money On Klingon Research In An Apparent Effort To Become Less Cool

Nov 15

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CNBC reports that the Pentagon is spending money on Klingon Research.

Specifically, the Pentagon paid nearly $100,000 on a workshop session called “Did Jesus Die for Klingons, Too?”

3 Bigger Wastes Of Government Money Than Klingon Workshop Sessions.

1. Klingon Focus Groups. We’re not saying Klingon focus groups are responsible for the movie Here Comes The Boom… but if you have a more likely focus group to blame feel free to comment below.

2. Klingon Woodworking sessions. Klingons have starships! Do they really need to know how to whittle a piece of wood into a useless whittle (yes, “whittle” is a noun, too), that has no chance of battling opponents’ starships?

3. A $200,000 study determining why a $100,000 study was conducted on Klingons with a massive national debt, and Klingons being fictional characters. Especially, when we’re pretty sure that for $100,000 we could whittle a team of Klingons to solve this apparent dilemma!

Posted in Humor, television, Uncategorized

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Donald Trump Tweets Something About Something

Nov 7

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During last night’s election coverage, Donald Trump tweeted some angry stuff, some of which was reportedly subsequently deleted.

One tweet stated: “our nation is a once great nation divided.”

Three More Pointless Rhetorical Comments A Blowhard Could Tweet

1. “Our nation is divided between people who voted for one candidate, and people who voted for the opposing candidate… again! And totally unlike a dictatorship where everyone votes for one candidate.”

2. “Our nation is divided into 50 states?! I’m a real estate developer – why did nobody inform me about this ‘Louisiana Purchase’!”

3. “Our great nation is divided into 6 million people who care whether Stephen Baldwin bests LaToya Jackson in this season’s Celebrity Apprentice, and 300 million who couldn’t care less.”

Posted in Humor, Real Estate, television

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