Category Archives: Technology
Iran Confirms It Does Not Have A Time Machine, In Case You Wonder Who Those People Visiting You In Silver Unibody Suits from 2050 Are!
3 Reasons We Already Knew An Iranian Scientist Didn’t Invent A Time Machine
1. The plot for the movie Hot Tub Time Machine seemed more plausible than the scientist’s explanation that the machine brings the future to you.
2. We already invented the time machine, which is how we keep a daily blog going, mocking news in what virtually seems like real time!
3. Iran didn’t go back to the year 2008 and sell all of its oil when it was at record prices. Instead, in 2008, Iran was reportedly holding a Chris de Burgh concert, which we can all agree was 20 years too late for that, a clear sign of not having a time machine!
Yesterday, we wrote about an Iranian scientist who claimed to have invented a “time machine” that sounded more like a “crystal ball” or “coin-operated fortune teller” or “random person who will take your money on the Atlantic City Boardwalk” than a time machine. According to the scientist, the machine can tell you your future for the next five to eight years.
According to the article, the scientist said this:
“The reason that we are not launching our prototype at this stage is that the Chinese will steal the idea and produce it in millions overnight.”
3 Questions That Arise From This Statement
1. Really, you think Chinese hackers don’t have the ability to break into your time machine and hack into its future? Are you sure the real reason you aren’t launching your machine is because it doesn’t work, and doesn’t provide kids with free Chuck E. Cheese coupons for prizes? What a rip-off!
2. Does China really need to build a million machines that tells people the next five years looks a lot like the last five years: producing iPhones 6 through 11 vs. iPhone 1 through 5?
3. Do you really believe Chinese pirates will take a break from pirating Scary Movie 5, which opens in theaters tomorrow? p.s. China, we’re certain sending this straight to DVD is actually doing audiences a favor!
The Telegraph reports that an Iranian scientist claims to have developed a “time machine.”
From the article:
“My invention easily fits into the size of a personal computer case and can predict details of the next 5-8 years of the life of its users. It will not take you into the future, it will bring the future to you.”
3 Questions You Will Have For This Time Machine
1. “What if its users are all fruit-flies? Is now really the right time for scientists to claim some sort of technological revelation that just depresses fruit-flies by telling them that the next 24 hours are going to be awesome, while the next 5 to 8 years, not so much?”
2. “I don’t have a personal computer case and I like challenges. What kind of case can I difficultly jam this thing into?”
3. “Where are my keys? Will anyone ever find a way for me to stop losing my keys and then finding them five minutes later in my pockets?”
Yesterday, we wrote about reports that Facebook may introduce a Facebook smartphone this Thursday. What could Facebook possibly add to a smart device that Apple or Samsung haven’t already thought of? How about features like these:
1. Notifications of everything! A friend got engaged? Consider yourself notified.
You type a note of congratulations. Consider yourself notified of every other person who congratulates the friend after you.
Someone in your contact list turned their phone off “Airplane” mode. Notified.
Someone sent you email from Yahoo or Gmail – slow down there, why are you using competing products? Haven’t you tried the new Facebook email? Sounds like someone needs a notification telling them about Facebook mail, and a prompt asking them if they would like to reply to all future emails from Facebook mail. You don’t want to do that? Too bad, while your phone was in your jeans, your hip clicked the “like” button to the prompt, and there is no way to ever undo that.
2. Notification prioritizer. “Tired of getting so many notifications of everything on your phone,” we imagine Mark Zuckerberg saying at the keynote. Well, now you can prioritize your Tweets, Facebook messages, and texts into the following categories:
- What are people up to on Facebook?
- Events on Facebook that you did not get invited to, and the name of the person who did not invite you.
- Ads that you will see whether you want to or not.
- Ignore everyone! (only works if you agree to receive a notification of a new ad every five minutes).
- Arguments of the validity of words from the “Words With Friends” chat room.
- Notification of changes to terms of service, slowly week by week, agreeing to get rid of all of these preferences, and enjoy the new priority sequence called whatever-we-want-to-show-you!
3. TV Shows You Watched. Because if you look at your Facebook account you’ll see they’ve lowered the bar from shows you like, to just whatever you’ve watched. We’re guessing it makes it easier for advertisers to figure out who fast-forwarded through the commercials on their DVRs on shows they recorded by accident. The good news, is your phone will now record every show you watch, and then show you the commercials as your new visual ring tone!
CNBC reports that new robots could be trained to replace service industry employees including coffee baristas, hamburger flippers, and retail store T-Shirt folders. But what about the industries that involve providing fewer services, like say, being a member of Congress?
3 Politicians We’d Like To See Robot Versions Of
1. Rand Paul. Forget what you’ve heard about Rand Paul’s filibustering skills. A robot could filibuster for infinity, without a single bathroom break!
2. Marco Rubio. A robot certainly wouldn’t have to awkwardly reach to get a bottle of water during a speech. Unless you consider the part when the robot drinks the water and sparks begin flying out of it to be “awkward.”
3. Michelle Bachmann. We’re certain robotic Michelle Bachmann could have won the race with CNN reporter Dana Bash down the halls of the Capitol Building by at least twenty lengths, when being asked to substantiate incorrect allegations made that the President hires a dog-walker with taxpayers’ money. Of course, robotic Michelle Bachmann wouldn’t make factual errors, and even if it did, it could transform itself into a dog-walker wearing a monocle and top hat, and convince the public the story was true.
Bloomberg reports that Yahoo has paid about $30 million to acquire a company founded by a currently-17-year-old Brit.
In an interview, Nick D’Aloisio, the 17-year-old founder of mobile application Summly, indicated perseverance is an important attribute to be successful. So for those of you 15 year-olds who are about to give up on your businesses which have received funding from wealthy Hong Kong investors and Yoko Ono, do not give up hope! There’s still a chance to be tremendously successful before you’re old enough to drink and buy whatever brewery you want for your 21st birthday!
3 Excuses For Not Being A British Millionaire By Age 17
1. Your parents had you by accident. The kind of accident that happens to people after a night of fish n’ chips at a pub, with a name like the “Fish & Friar,” rather than names like “Buckingham Palace,” “Burberry headquarters,” or “First Round’s On Us, Because We Can’t Believe We Actually Sold American TV Stations Years Of Coronation Street Episodes For Real Money!”
2. You only count your money in pounds, and £660,000 may be good enough to have a million dollars, but you don’t deal in U.S. dollars. Who knows where they’ve been? Oh right, the people at wheresgeorge.com who actually spend their days entering serial numbers of bills into a data base and then sign up for email to tell them where the next person who has nothing to do but enter dollar bill serial numbers into a computer received that very same dollar!
3. Didn’t come up with idea for application that finds your iPhone every time you set it to silent, and phone yourself from a land-line to find it, completely forgetting it’s in your pocket.
CNN recommends that you open iPad packaging and look inside before purchasing the device, because some customers at places like Wal-Mart and Best Buy have left the store, only to find a fake decoy iPad, or plastic bags filled with modelling clay.
According to the CNN, a theory of how this happens is people buy iPads, and then return the box with a different object inside. If true, that means nobody at the Customer Service departments at these stores opened the boxes to verify what’s inside. Which is ironic, because prior to media attention, at least one store reportedly refused to allow a return of a fake iPad – suggesting that the customer compounded their problem by showing what was in the box!
3 Worse Things To Find In An iPad Unboxing Than Bags Of Clay
1. An iPad box containing an iPad Mini Box, containing an iPod Touch box, containing an iPod Nano box! That’s a classic Matryoshka doll of Apple packaging!
2. A kidney that someone from China used to buy an iPad. Now you have to spend hours figuring out how to unlock a kidney to figure out how to preserve it on Web MD!
3. A bunch of parts, along with instructions of how to assemble your iPad written in Swedish. You should have been suspicious that someone tampered with something when you saw a brown box with a sticker saying “iPad” on it at IKEA!