Category Archives: Politics
Gawker Trying To Raise $200,000 To Buy Video Of Toronto Mayor Smoking Crack… Why Does Your Sandwich-Making How-To Video Only Have 3 Views On YouTube And No Offers To Buy It?
As we wrote yesterday, a report indicated Gawker had been shopped a video of Rob Ford, the Mayor of Toronto, Canada, allegedly smoking crack cocaine.
Gawker is currently asking readers to donate money to support buying this video to post it on its web site, as the video’s owners want $200,000. The good news: if Gawker raises the money, and the deal goes awry, they will donate the money to charity. Currently Gawker has raised $45,000.
3 Questions That Arise From This News Story
1. Why would a mayor allegedly smoke crack while someone is recording it? Oh, right, because their decision-making ability was allegedly impaired by allegedly being on crack.
2. Will someone publish this video, and the Mayor tell the alleged truth of what’s going on in it so we can stop the word “allegedly” from ruining the flow of our alleged jokes?
3. What will the owners of the video do with the $200,000 if they get it? Buy 200,000 ninety-nine cent breakfasts at IKEA? As furniture store food products remain a constant source of worthy news material for this web site, we have our fingers crossed!
Blast From the Past: Alleged Video Of Toronto Mayor Returns Relevance Of Phrase “Are You On Crack?!”
According to the Huffington Post, reports in the Toronto Star and Gawker indicate that sources at those media outlets have been offered a video of Toronto Mayor Rob Ford allegedly smoking a crack pipe.
3 Worse Things A Toronto Mayor Could Allegedly Be Caught Smoking In A Video
1. A crack pipe filled with crack and clippings from Toronto Star articles alleging he smoked from a crack pipe. Burning and smoking articles with bad publicity might seem like a good way to make the problem go away, if you were on crack, however in any other case it would be sadly ironic.
2. Money spent by the Toronto Blue Jays to try to buy a World Series team this year, that has so far lead to the worst team in the American League East. And crack. Because remember, this is an article about “worse” things he could be smoking than just crack!
3. A biography of former Washington, D.C. Mayor Marion Barry in a crack pipe with crack and broken glass. We haven’t read one and doubt the whole book would fit in a crack pipe. But we bet it would recommend against allegedly using cocaine-based products while in office. Either way: read biographies, don’t smoke them with crack, peeps!
Today, U.S. President Barack Obama held a press conference, in which a marine held an umbrella over his head. According to CNN, this is rarely done. Presumably because the President of the United States rarely speaks outside in the rain, because he can watch weather forecasts on CNN and stay inside when there’s a chance of rain, rather than get blown around in a hurricane like Anderson Cooper or former CNN reporter Ali Velshi.
3 Other People We’d Like To See Hold An Umbrella For The President
1. Jay-Z and Rihanna. Because if the image of the President with an umbrella is worthy of front page news on the Fox News site, then why not make it bigger news! The kind of big news like, “Ah, man, I just got this song unstuck from my head after five years and here it is on every cable news program!”
2. The Bee Girl from the Blind Melon Video. She’s good at dancing around to promises of no rain, and as we wrote last year, we hear she’s looking for work!
3. An Umbrella Salesman Selling “Made In America” Umbrellas To Protect The President From Polluted Rain Made In Southeast Asia.
That would be a rare sight indeed! Rarer than a new episode of the Office, as the final episode airs tonight on NBC. Farewell to the Office from Not The Worst News!
Yesterday, we wrote about how following a dare from her son, Christy Clark, the leader of British Columbia, Canada, reportedly intentionally ran a read light with a reporter in the back seat of her vehicle!
As mentioned, she’s up for reelection, so if she becomes more popular after this move, her opponents may want to consider some of these:
3 Additional Dumber Things For A British Columbian Politican To Do With A Reporter In The Backseat Of Their Car
1. Say: “This Province needs to be more ‘District of Columbia’ than ‘British Columbia!’ We’re headed there! Oh, no, we’re trapped on a round-about trying to get from K Street to M Street, after getting side-tracked by ten one-way streets in the wrong direction! It’s almost like the people who designed these roads are intentionally trying to create gridlock, like Congress or any other legislative body!”
2. Say: “This Province needs to be more ‘Columbia University’ and less ‘British Columbia!’” Why are we even in a car instead of on the “A” Train? Oh, right, because we kidnapped a reporter to force them to give a lecture at the Columbia School of Journalism on ‘What Not To Do With A Reporter In The Back Seat Of A Car.’”
3. Say: “This Province should be more ‘Columbia House Record Club’ and less ‘British Columbia!’” Enjoy your ride to the post office, where I just signed you up for nine cassette tapes for $0.01 on this Columbia House card from a 1992 issue of Car & Driver I found in the glove compartment, next to a British Columbia ‘Learn To Drive Smart’ book that is on my must-read list! I’m 21 years behind on my reading list. I should have never signed up for the Columbia House Book Club!”
Running For Reelection? Have You Considered Running Red Lights (On A Dare With A Reporter In The Car)?
Yahoo reports that Christy Clark, the leader of British Columbia, Canada (officially the “Premier,” which is like the “Governor,” for our American readers) is in some hot water after intentionally running a red light with her kid and a reporter in the car, on a “dare” from her son.
She’s up for re-election, by the way.
Could it be worse? Of course! Here’s:
3 Dumber Things A Politician From British Columbia Could Do With A Reporter In Their Car
1. Say “This province needs to be more British, and less ‘Columbia!’” And then start driving on the British side of the road a.k.a. “the wrong side of the road in Canada.”
2. Say “This province needs to be more “Colombia” and less “British Columbia!” And then throw British Columbian marijuana out the window and pull out a bag of Colombian cocaine.
3. Say “This province needs to be more B.C., and by ‘B.C.’ I’m referring to the prehistoric-era comic strip where the main character drives around on one wheel.” And then remove three tires from the car and drive through a red light on a dare.
We wrote yesterday about a recent Public Policy Polling survey of registered American voters that had all kinds of interesting findings. For example, 7% of American registered voters believe that the moon landing was a hoax, and an additional 9% are unsure whether it was a hoax. Note to 9% of survey takers: stop phoning the year 1869 for your surveys!
Which means, according to the random page we found on Google, both of those groups are greater than the NRA’s approximate 2% membership of registered voters.
3 Policies We’d Expect Moon-Landing-Conspiracy-Theorists To Argue For On Cable News If They Had As Much Interview Time As The NRA
1. Ban R.E.M.’s song “Man On The Moon” from all radio stations, because the conspiracy theorists have a First Amendment right to say there was never a Man on the Moon that obviously exceeds R.E.M.’s First Amendment right to write lyrics which do not explicitly confirm there was no man on the moon, despite a title suggesting the issue might have been resolved in the song.
2. Require that the scientists on Mythbusters who claim moon-landing conspiracy theories are untrue to broadcast their findings on a show from the moon, since they seem to think it’s so possible to just go to the moon!
3. That during a card game of Hearts, shooting the moon is impossible, since it’s impossible to get to the moon, never mind shoot it, as an NRA representative on a cable news panel might suggest when talking over a moon-landing conspiracy theorist.
A recent Public Policy Polling national survey asked American registered voters whether they believed in various conspiracy theories.
“Do you believe that shape-shifting reptilian people control our world by taking on human form and gaining political power to manipulate our societies, or not?”
- 4% of respondents said they do
- 88% said they do not
- 7% said “not sure”
Come on, 7%, get off the fence already and inform yourself about the issues that affect the world you live in, before a lizard scurries up the fence and knocks you off!
This may be an interesting time to remind you, that only 2% of registered voters are members of the NRA, according to this calculation.
So twice as many registered voters believe in shape-shifting reptile manipulators than are members of the NRA, or are just smart-asses who answer “yes” to everything in meaningless surveys.
So why aren’t the reptile-conspiracy theorists on the news every night and shaping America’s policy?
3 Policies We Suspect Believers In Shape-Shifting Reptiles May Advocate
1. The only way to stop shape-shifting reptilian people is with more shape-shifting reptilian people. So we must genetically engineer good, law-abiding reptilian-humanoids and place them in every school!
2. Birth certificates of any length are insufficient proof that a candidate for office is not a reptile. All political candidates must submit to DNA tests, or in the preferred alternative, testing to see if they can scurry up fences!
3. With the right amount of advertising on our issue, and lots of yelling, we lizard-conspiracy-theorists, too, can end up on all media outlets who feel that presenting both sides of a story, no matter how unreasonable one side may be, is fair or balanced reporting or even “news.”
Yesterday, when writing about robots potential near-future roles in the services industry, we commented on 3 Robot Politicians we’d like to see. Blogger IndyTony astutely noticed that the 3 politicians we wrote about happened to be Republicans.
As the only robot in politics we’ve ever known was a Republican called the Governator, we just assumed that it was common knowledge, based on box office results, that more people liked to see Republican robots. But for those of you out there who want to see robots from the other side of the aisle, here are 3:
1. Harry Reid. Like all liquid metal robots, this robot is virtually indestructible, so it is less likely to spend time introducing an amendment to any proposed gun control legislation for an assault weapons ban, and more likely to introduce legislation to ban something far more dangerous to robots: vats-of-molten-metal-in-factories!
2. Anthony Weiner. Like all well-engineered robots that can be replicated using 3D printers, this particular robot has no genitals, meaning it can Tweet pictures of whatever robotic parts it wants without any danger of political ramifications!
3. Joe Biden. This virtual assistant robot makes the occasional gaffe, just like Apple’s virtual assistant, Siri. Which one will tell you you’re in Iowa when you’re really in Ohio? We eagerly await the answer from Consumer Reports!
Yesterday we wrote about how the American Society of Civil Engineers gave America’s infrastructure a D+ rating in an annual ranking of infrastructure such as ports, rail, and solid waste. And congratulations, Solid Waste, you achieved the highest grade in the study at B-!
We suggested the engineers rate other, less conventional forms of infrastructure to help raise the overall grade. Here are 3 more “A+” worthy infrastructure categories we recommend grading!
1. Lobbiest infrastructure. This powerful group of individuals are able to convince lawmakers to enact laws that the majority of Americans don’t want, and convince the majority of Americans to phone their members of Congress telling them they want laws against their own interests! Do you like writing your blog on a lap top? Of course you don’t. You demand a return to quills, ink, and typewriters! And when you publicly demand these things dressed as a Town Crier, you will blend right in with the other Tea Party members.
2. Free Infrastructure From Canada. When Canada said to the people of Michigan it wanted to build a brand new international bridge at Canada’s expense, crossing the Detroit River, to ease congestion on the privately-owned Ambassador Bridge, 40% of Michigan voters said “no thanks” to free infrastructure! Have you ever been to Detroit? Would you ever expect anyone would be fussy about what kind of free infrastructure somebody wanted to put there? Maybe someone said, “If the price is free, we demand more crumbly, boarded-up half-buildings!” Fortunately, despite significant advertising against the bridge, free infrastructure won out, which is why it deserves an A+!
3. Corporate Infrastructure. This invisible infrastructure is so strong that it is able to assure everyone that it functions best with no regulation, but when the occasional malfunction occurs, due to lack of regulation, it is able to assure everyone that their bailout of the corporation was the best option.
The American Society of Civil Engineers have released its 2013 report on America’s infrastructure, and good news America, according to CNN, your grade has improved! (To a “D+.”)
So next time someone is standing at a port dressed in a Tea Party outfit (formerly a Town Crier outfit) declaring that it’s time to cut all government spending, feel free to send them an email reminder of this report, which gives ports a grade of “C” or “mediocre.” And consider how lucky you are when that email arrives considering the report gave America a “D+” on energy.
But why do all these engineers have to focus on the negative? Let’s focus on some positive areas to get America’s average up!
3 Areas Where America Deserves An A+
1. Infrastructure to make people famous for just being famous. With modern camera infrastructure, there’s no need to waste resources training people talents like singing, dancing, or writing teleplays that don’t involve action where legitimately drunk people get in arguments with each other over nothing. (And it doesn’t matter that the arguments are over nothing because the words will all be bleeped out with America’s Grade A bleeping infrastructure.)
2. Home car elevator infrastructure. While Mitt Romney may not have won his Presidential bid, rest assured he was able to smoothly access any elevated car to attend last week’s CPAC convention.
3. Large portion table settings infrastructure. Thanks to this infrastructure wait staff at New York City restaurants won’t have to wear out valuable flooring and carpet infrastructure by bringing patrons multiple soft drinks to give them the 48-ounce cola they demand!