Category Archives: Music
Sorry For The Confusion, Ma’am, But It’s Not Called “American Idol Airlines!”
When people follow us, we try to follow back* and read their blogs. And today, we were quite pleased to see a news story from Ken Hegan, who reported for MSN that an American Airlines jet from LAX to JFK had to make an emergency landing… because a woman wouldn’t stop singing Whitney Houston songs. So check out the original link, because it features a passenger-shot video of the incident, with the woman singing “I Will Always Love You.”
3 Worse Artists A Passenger Could Imitate On A Plane, Forcing You To Waste Time During An Emergency Landing
1. Dolly Parton. Not only would you have to endure “I Will Always Love You,” which Parton actually wrote, but if the passenger was behaving this way due to too much alcohol before boarding the plane, you can certainly expect a request that you play the role of Kenny Rogers in a karaoke duet of “Islands In The Stream.” Not only would this be the wrong time for this sort of social behavior, singing about islands in streams is totally inappropriate when flying out of LAX over the Nevada desert!
2. Nickelback. There is never a right time for singing Nickelback, including at Nickelback concerts, even if you are on stage, and you’re Nickelback.
3. Don McLean. Singing his hit “American Pie,” which is about other great musicians dying in a plane crash is hardly going to be a crowd-pleaser on a flight. Especially if other drunken passengers join in singing hits from Buddy Holly, Ritchie Valens, and the Big Bopper. And if some drunk teenager re-enacts the pie scene from the movie American Pie, in response, you have a reason for once to be happy your flight is not serving any dessert trays.
*If we didn’t follow you back, it’s because WordPress only shows the latest new followers, and we missed your follow notification, so blame the machines!
3 Celebrities We’d Be Lovin’ To See Serve Food At A Drive-Thru
According to a 2004 legal document cited by the Smoking Gun, as part of a lawsuit between R. Kelly and Jay-Z over a tour that was cancelled, it was alleged that after a set in St. Louis, R. Kelly did the following things:
“…returned to the stage, bowed to the audience, changed his outfit, hopped onto a waiting ‘People Mover,’ and left the venue before the concert was completed…R. Kelly then went to a local McDonald’s where he began to serve food to patrons at the drive-thru.“
We don’t know how the lawsuit worked out, but we wonder if Jay-Z thought at the time: “Man, that guy loves McDonald’s too much. In the future, I’m only touring with people who just love McDonald’s a little bit.”
In which case he may have forgotten Justin Timberlake’s “I’m Lovin’ It” 2003 campaign for McDonald’s, as JT and Jay-Z are touring this year! So here are:
3 Celebrities We’d Be Lovin’ To See Serve Food At A Drive-Thru
1. Anthony Wiener. Various reports indicate that he is contemplating running for Mayor of New York. Perhaps he should warm-up with a run to become Mayor McCheese. If he did serve at a drive-thru, we’d expect him campaigning with stale jokes about serving wieners, depending on the restaurant chain. However we would hope he would not screw up the orders in the same way he screwed up which photos to post on Twitter.
2. Former 90210 Star Ian Ziering. We don’t necessarily want to receive a burrito from Mr. Ziering at a drive-thru. We just think this would make us feel better about where his career is going than recent news that he will be joining Chippendales in Las Vegas.
3. Lightning McQueen from Disney-Pixar’s Cars. “A car serving us at a drive-thru,” we’d exclaim, “Now we’ve seen everything!”
Stay tuned for tomorrow’s post to see if we’ve seen everything!
Being On A Rock N’ Roll Cover Can Allegedly Ruin Your Life (Depending On The Results Of The Lawsuit)
The Mail reports that a British man who appeared on the cover of alt-rock band Placebo’s debut album in 1996 is suing the band for using the photo without his consent, and saying the photo ruined his life.
The man claims to have been popular, until the album came out, after which time he alleges he was bullied; had to be driven to school; had to drop out of school; and eventually became a chef, who was laid off.
Got that?
Not on top-selling rock album cover = popular.
On top-selling album cover = unpopular.
This kid clearly went to the wrong school. Although we might suggest the time to have made an issue of it with the band was when the album was out. Certainly Placebo could have showed up at the school and made the kid popular again.That’s how things work when kids wet their pants in Adam Sandler movies, and then Adam Sandler wets his pants to make them look cooler.
Anyway, we all know bullying is wrong, so bullies reading this, stop doing that, especially if you’re bullying people on the cover of rock albums, because in most cases they probably have better bodyguards than you.
3 Worse Places A School Kid Could Find Their Photo Advertising A Legal Product
1. On an-over-the-counter bottle for a placebo that promises to be the herbal remedy that makes kids cool. It won’t. Because it’s just sugar pills. Which, since your photo is on it, might lead to demands for money back for a product that you aren’t even getting revenues for.
2. On a Nickelback album cover. Come on, that has to inherently be worse, right?
3. On the album cover for Nirvana’s Nevermind. You think it’s embarrassing when your parents pull out the nude baby photos? Or today’s parents post them on Facebook since photo albums are obsolete? Imagine being a naked baby on one of the top-selling albums of all time. That kid reportedly says he got no royalties for the pic, which sucks, but he’s also an artist, so we’re guessing he’d call it art and say nevermind. Or sue later in life. You just don’t know. Give credit for album covers, recording industry! Especially now that they’re just a thumbnail on our iPods!
Aerosmith’s Steven Tyler Has Spent $5-$6 Million On Drugs
Yahoo reports that Aerosmith frontman Steven Tyler has spent $5-$6 million on drugs in his lifetime.
3 Worse Things Steven Tyler Could Spend $6 Million On
1. The $6 Million Dollar Man. The star and protagonist of the show, Lee Majors is 73-years-old, making this a bad-long-term television hero investment, especially after the show was cancelled around the first time Aerosmith was famous.
2. A follow-up album to Get A Grip. Because if anyone in Aerosmith had a grip in the early 1990s, they’d know, “Eat the Rich” was the worst song ever, and ironic, given Aerosmith’s multi-million dollar status by the time it was released.
3. Cher’s pants! Steven Tyler reportedly didn’t pay that much, as Cher gave them to him. Because you know, if Cher doesn’t want something in her wardrobe, it’s gonna be completely contemporary and in fashion!
Beyonce Not Ready For This Jelly, If By Jelly, You Mean Actually Singing In Front Of Hundreds Of Thousands Of People
CNN reports that an Inauguration official has confirmed that Beyonce lip-synced the Star-Spangled Banner at President Barack Obama’s Inauguration ceremony earlier this week.
3 Worse Things Beyonce Could Have Lip-Synced At The Inauguration
1. The Soviet national anthem as sung by former WWE star Nikolai Volkoff before each match during the 1980s. Wrong country. Wrong political ideology. Wrong decade. And we’re pretty certain that since Volkoff wasn’t actually from the Soviet union, he just made up random words that sounded Russian each time he sang it.
2. Taylor Swift’s Grammy Award Speech. This would severely weaken Kanye West’s assertion that Beyonce ought to have won that award.
3. Kelly Clarkson’s Inauguration Rendition of “My Country ‘Tis of Thee.” CNN also confirmed that Ms. Clarkson did not lip-sync at the inauguration, so to have Beyonce come up there and lip-sync the real song everybody just heard would take dialing-it-in to a new level, which we call “pressing-the-contact-number-on-your-iPhone-because-you-don’t-remember-anyone’s-phone-numbers-ever-since-you-could-program-them-into-phones-DIALING-IT-IN.”
If You Named Your Baby “Adele,” Now Is Not The Time For Your Baby To Start Its Own Branded Perfume Company!
The Sun reports that singer Adele has trademarked her name, meaning that if your name is Adele, and you are not the famous singer Adele, good luck starting your own brand of perfume of jewelry! And since “Adele” was one of the most popular baby names of 2012, enterprising, self-promoting babies with that name are going to have to look for other products to put their names on.
3 Products We’re Glad Adele May Not Have Trademarked
1. Music Award Statues. This could look a bit egotistical, and our money is on that if anyone besides the Grammies are going to trademark a Grammy, it’s going to be Kanye West.
2. Rollerblades, rolling pins, or steam rollers. It’s far too early for the Rolling In The Deep singer’s career to resort to allowing her song to appear in television commercials that are loosely relevant to her lyrics.
3. Jewelry Made Of Perfume. This could ruin our entire business plan to unveil the world’s first ice-perfume-necklaces! It’s a perfume you never need to apply because it just applies itself as it slowly melts! And once it completely melts, you have to buy another necklace, completing the perfect business plan. Anyway, due to the infallible nature of this business plan, we’re just glad mega-wealthy Adele does not appear to want to compete with us in this business that we hope to launch in 2018!
Venture Capital Firm Invests $15 Million In Web Site That Explains Rap Lyrics
In case you were wondering whether there was money floating around the U.S. economy or not, CNBC reports that a venture capital firm just invested $15 Million dollars in a web site called Rap Genius, that explains rap lyrics to parents who just don’t understand and other Squares.
From the article:
“As an example, Horowitz cited a Lil Wayne lyric, ‘real G’s move in silence like lasagna.’ Click on it, and Rap Genius explains the singer is referring to gangsters and the silent g in lasagna.”
The site uses crowd sourcing, and the crowd being referred to is apparently anyone as the site has a link: “Couldn’t find the song you wanted? Add it yourself.“
To paraphrase: if you didn’t understand a song, put in your own explanation, Person- Who-Does-Not-Get-The-Song!
Did we mention CNBC reports the company’s business model is “TBD,” which for those who did not know what that means, CNBC translates as meaning “to be determined.” And while we eagerly await the unfolding of a business model, since anyone can interpret lyrics on the site, here are:
3 Worse Explanations Of Lil Wayne’s Lyric “Real G’s Move In Silence Like Lasagna”
1. This is a secret song paying homage to Garfield, whose name starts with G, and who frequently moves in silence with bubbles above his head, revealing his thoughts. And as any Garfield fan knows, he’s secretly thinking about how much he likes LASAGNA!
2. Lasagna is the silent killer moving through the arteries of those who over-indulge in this food product containing high cholesterol meats and cheeses.
3. Lil Wayne has not cleaned out his fridge in six years and that’s why his leftover lasagna has grown legs and is on the move! How do we know the lasagna is moving? Because Lil Wayne didn’t just choose any old noun with a silent “G” in it like “Knight”. And anyone who has ever played chess knows that a knight moves in an L pattern. So obviously, Lil Wayne wanted to describe a noun with a silent “G” that moves differently than the hardest-to-explain chess piece! After all, when he wrote the song, there was nobody investing millions in a web site that would explain rap lyrics about chess pieces!
Green Day’s Billie Joe Armstrong Smashes Guitar After Being Told The Band Had “One Minute” Left To Perform In Vegas
Green Day front man Billie Joe Armstrong is being accused of having a “meltdown” in the media after being told the band had one minute left to perform, and subsequently smashing a guitar on stage during a performance in Las Vegas.
Hey, we’ve known since Green Day’s 1994 hit Basket Case, the band’s frontman wants to know if you have the time to listen to him whine.
What he didn’t mention in the song is if you don’t, he will smash a guitar.
This all happened at the iHeartRadio Music Festival. (Soon to be named iHeartRadio-but-hate-being-interrupted-so-shut-up-mister-radio-dj-who-keeps-talking-over-my-songs-festival!)
3 Worse Things To Break In Las Vegas And Be Accused Of Having A Meltdown Than A Guitar On Stage While Performing With Your Punk Rock Band
1. A clock counting down one minute! That would have been the logical thing to break in this situation to solve the dilemma. All Billie Joe needed was an expert like James Bond to defuse the clock, and stop it from counting down.
If James Bond was unavailable, maybe MacGruber could have helped defuse the bomb and stop the clock. If anyone could have removed his uniform from this impenetrable case, that is!
2. The heart of the iHeartRadio festival. Breaking hearts at music festivals is always risky because you never know when Toni Braxton might wander on stage and start singing “Unbreak My Heart.”
3. The bank at the Wild Wild West Casino. We don’t know how much it would take to break the bank there, and in theory, win the deed to the casino, but judging by its remote-I-accidentally-wandered-off-the-Strip location and number of gamblers clad in sweaty track suits, you may not want to “break the bank” there.
Chicago Mayor Denies He Likes Nickelback
According to MacLean’s, a striking teacher held up a picket sign saying: “RAHM EMANUEL LIKES NICKELBACK.”
A spokesperson for Emanuel denied the claim.
The teacher has since created a new sign replacing Nickelback with Creed.
3 Worse Things You Could Accuse A Mayor Of Chicago Of Liking Than Nickelback Or Creed
1. The band Chicago. The one positive thing Canadians can say about Nickelback is at least the band didn’t name itself “Canada” or “Alberta” and ruin an entire region’s name every time the local office rock station plays their music. p.s. Dear band named Chicago: we get you’re from Chicago, but did you really need to name almost every album “Chicago”, too?
2. The St. Louis Cardinals. Liking the Cubs’ rival at a time the White Sox are fighting for a pennant would be unlikely to be popular anywhere in Chicago, especially after last call at Wrigley Field.
3. The name “Willis Tower.” Why did you have to confuse us, Chicago, by renaming the Sears Tower? Now we’re just going to wander around the Loop aimlessly whenever we’re in Chicago and need to buy trusty Craftsman Tools.
From AC/DC To Zeppelin, Paul Ryan Knew How To Reference Non-U.S. Bands In His Speech!
Yesterday, we pondered what song Paul Ryan would use to enter WWE-wrestler style for his speech at the GOP Convention, after one of his favorite bands, Rage Against The Machine referred to him as “the embodiment of the Machine our music rages against.”
We incorrectly guessed songs by Mitt Romney supporter Kid Rock, as Paul Ryan entered to Irish-founded Band Thin Lizzy’s The Boys Are Back In Town. In fairness, half of the band’s current members were born in the USA, according to Wikipedia.
During his speech, Ryan bragged his iPod is filled with music from Australian rockers AC/DC to British rockers Led Zeppelin.
Is this a sign that Ryan is working his ability to demonstrate himself as someone who can grab the hearts of people around the world like Barack Obama? Or perhaps he didn’t want to risk using another American band reference that may have resulted in more insults in Rolling Stone Op-Ed pieces.
3 Other Non-American Music Artists That May Not Be Helpful To Mention Are On A Republican Candidate’s iPod During A Convention Speech Read the rest of this entry
