Category Archives: Health
“Every 105-Year-Old’s Doing It, Why Can’t We?” We’d Imagine 1990s Rockers The Cranberries Might Say.
Yahoo reports that a 105-year-old woman from Texas proudly eats bacon every day!
3 Additional Seemingly Unlikely Things Someone Could* Do To Live To Be A Hundred Instead Of Eating Bacon Every Day
1. Smoke bacon-wrapped nicotine-filled cigarettes, then eat the second-hand smoke-covered bacon.
2. After a life of smoking bacon-wrapped cigarettes, get a lung transplant, replacing your lung with bacon strips formed into the shape of a lung. Mmmmmmmmmmmm… the sweet smell of bacon with every breath!
3. Instead of exercising, watch a pig on a treadmill at your local gym, while you eat bacon-wrapped-bacon. We’re guessing the pig will want to get as far away from you as possible, but may not realize the treadmill is not the best way to accomplish that goal. Still, more fun and better exercise than a trip to a pork-rendering plant!
*Not a recommendation! Consult your doctor before doing any ridiculous things involving bacon! Maybe if you bring your doctor some bacon they will be especially happy to prescribe you with “More bacon!”
Austalians With Bad Fake Accents Fool British Hospital Staff Into Thinking The Queen Was Calling, Because Security Precuations And Call Display Haven’t Been Invented In The U.K.
The Telegraph reports that two radio personalities from Australia were able to successfully call Kate Middleton’s nurse at a British hospital to get an update on her status by impersonating Queen Elizabeth II and Prince Charles… very badly… you can listen to an edited version of the conversation by clicking here.
3 Worse Organizations These Queen Elizabeth Impersonaters Could Have Called And Fooled
1. The Bank of Canada, asking for all money with the Queen’s photo on it to be returned due to copyright infringement.
2. Any movie studio, saying Queen Elizabeth would like to play “Mrs. Doubtfire” in a sequel to the hit film.
3. Any movie studio, saying Queen Elizabeth would like to play “Mrs. Doubtfire” in the sequel to Julie & Julia, in which we presume, based on the performance, Meryl Streep was playing Mrs. Doubtfire.
Scientific Study Concludes Full Moon Not Tied To “Crazy” Behavior
The Toronto Star reports that a team of researchers led by a professor from a school of psychology spent several years monitoring emergency room patients to determine whether a full moon causes anxiety attacks or other psychological issues.
From the article:
“One thing is certain: We observed no full-moon or new-moon effect on psychological problems.”
3 More Things That Are Certain From This Scientific Study
1. Three years seems like an awful long time to study this! You could have just watched the Twilight Saga on loop and drawn your own conclusions that new moons will never create crazy human-wearwolf romances.
2. The only thing longer than 3 years studying this is four years. That’s how old the data from the study is, which came from the years 2005-2008. How are we to trust old data that could be missing the most up-to-date evaluations of Walking Dead viewers?
3. We will never believe the conclusions of this study until the authors also report whether this study was pitched and funded during a full moon or new moon. We especially want to know if this study had to be conducted in a haunted house in order to obtain an inheritance from an eccentric distant uncle.
Texas Town Apparently Takes Lyrics To “Pour Some Sugar On Me” Literally… By Intentionally Adding Sugar To The Water Supply!
CBC reports*, in an interview that can be listened to here, that a Texas town is adding 4 tablespoons of sugar to every eight ounces of tap water, with the goal of increasing water consumption by getting residents to drink at least 8 cups of water a day.
Yes. You really read that. And just a day after we wrote about an airline CEO saying planes in seat belts are “pointless.”
If you listen to the interview, you will learn that people in the town are consuming more than the 8 cups of water per day, and apparently don’t mind coming out of the shower a “bit sticky.”
This seems like a wonderful solution to America’s obesity problem, and by “wonderful solution,” we mean we bet the increasing number of obese people at least probably smell better.
3 Worse Things To Add To City Tap Water Than Four Tablespoons Of Sugar
1. Bottled water. This will just make the bottled water versus tap water debate more confusing, especially when someone asks: “Why don’t we just drink it out of the bottles, instead of pouring all the bottles into the water reservoir, and then throwing the plastic bottles in the lake?”
Please don’t put mermaids in the tap water, either.
2. Alcohol. Because if everyone is drinking alcohol in their water, eventually they’re going to get wasted and come up with dumb ideas like adding sugar to everyone’s municipal tap water.
3. Oxygen. It may at first sound like just a bad idea, since we need oxygen and water to live. But then when the town’s firefighters try to put out a fire with a hydrant full of oxygen, the town would realize its a really bad idea.
*P.S. Thanks CBC Radio for making your comedy show appear like real news on your web site! We hope you inspire CNN to acquire the Onion, and then run all the satirical stories under the CNN logo! (We hope that because we don’t own stock in CNN parent company Time-Warner.)
Man’s 10-Inch Unit Causes Problems With Airport Security, Embarrassing Himself, Airport Security, And Less Endowed Male News Readers
As our week of entries inspired by our readers continues, our next entry is inspired by blogger ListOfX, who submitted a CBS News link on our message board about a man who had trouble getting through airport security in San Francisco, because security screeners were suspicious that his “World Record” sized, 10-inch penis was some sort of other suspicious package he was trying to hide in his pants.
Despite going through a metal detector and body scanner, the man was still delayed for two hours for additional screening and frisking before he could catch his flight!
“Why, why, why did this have to happen in San Francisco?” asked a fan of original-jokes-that-don’t-perpetuate-stereotypes, “Now Jimmy Fallon is going to be all over this two-hour-world’s-largest-penis-frisking-at-SFO incident!” Read the rest of this entry
Doctor Tells 65-Year-Old Swedish Man “You’re Pregnant!” Here’s What We’d Tell The Doctor!
According to the Local, aka “Sweden’s News In English,” a doctor told a 65-year-old Swedish man he was pregnant. When we see headlines like these in the Local, we often wonder if someone is mis-translating Swedish news into English. According to the Local, the man said:
“The doctor joked I was pregnant, and then told me I’d have to do another test!” he said with a laugh.
If it was us, we would have laughed too, and said “Doctor, you should have to do another test in medical school! You know the one that explains the difference between men, and women, and menopause, and bad Arnold Schwarzenegger movies called Junior. That test.”
Fortunately, the first test sample gave a wrong result because it came into contact with some contaminated bacteria, so there’s hopefully nothing to worry about if you’re expecting your medical results to not be inadvertently mixed with contaminated bacteria. Unless you have medical tests done at your favorite teen-managed fast food restaurant. But if it you are a 65-year-old man who is diagnosed as pregnant, remember it could be worse, here are:
3 Worse Diagnoses A Licensed Medical Doctor In Sweden Could Give A Patient Read the rest of this entry
3 Products With “Smart” In Their Names That May Make You Feel Less Smart Than Your Smart Phone
According to the Street.com’s analysis of smart phone information provided by Apple last week, Google Android users don’t seem to know how to use their phones, with about 70% of them apparently not knowing how to use WiFi. We at NotTheWorstNews believe that if a device has the word “smart” in its name, it should not make you feel stupid. If this has ever happened to you, perhaps you would feel smarter if you dropped the Stephen Hawking “A Brief History of Time” Audiobook ring tone, and switched to Tik Tok by Ke$ha. But rest assured, there are other products out there with “smart” in their names that could make you feel less smart than your smart phone may make you feel:
350 Pound Man Cut Off At All You Can Eat Fish Fry
A 350 pound, 6’6″ tall man was cut off at an all you can eat fish fry restaurant near Milwaukee after eating twelve pieces of fish. According to the news report, which can be viewed here, the man was a problem customer, who had not paid a long-running tab at the restaurant, and was given eight additional pieces of fish and sent on his way. Which caused him to call the police, and create a telling picket sign (see photo below) to picket the restaurant.
3 Worse Things That Could Happen At An All You Can Eat Fish Fry
1. You could be a first-year student in a University of Wisconsin “Introduction To Great Business Practices” course, working your way through your degree by frying fish at a local restaurant. Since you’re so busy working, drinking the occasional Milwaukee’s Best, and applying aloe to fish-fry burns you barely know what the professor looks like. Turns out it’s this angry customer, and he will now ensure that you fail the course. That’s what you get for sitting at the back of the class and not eating enough fish oil to help your vision!
2. You could be a first-year student in a University of Wisconsin “Introduction To Great Business Practices” course, and this guy is your professor. Unfortunately, you wasted $100 on a textbook entitled “Bigger Fish To Fry”. Chapters one through twelve of the textbook suggest opening an all-you-can-eat-fish-fry and frying the biggest fish possible, the humpback whale. Forget the fact you’re in jail for conspiring to fry an endangered species during a trip to Sea World Milwaukee, you also wasted $100 to be misinformed that a whale is a fish, when it’s really a mammal!
3. You could be a first-year fish in a school in the Milwaukee River, frequently travelled by a River Cruise Boat featuring an All-You-Can-Eat Fish Fry. You have successfully navigated the river to avoid excess cooking oil being dumped in the river, pursuant to the restaurateur’s belief that this is a better business practice than legally disposing of it. You’ve avoided being the catch of the day, until Professor Plump boards the boat, demanding all the fish he can eat. He’s already consumed 20 fish pieces and one picket sign, so the boat starts sinking and you have to rescue everyone on board. Which you successfully do. Unfortunately, since you rescued Professor Plump, he ultimately consumes the rest of your school, totally screwing your chances at getting a date to the Enchantment Under the Sea themed prom!
Photo source: NBC TMJ4 Screen Cap of Video of News Story.
