Category Archives: Dating
Is Your Spouse Losing Weight? Science Says That Means They May Not Like You.
Canoe reports that a study of newlyweds indicates that the more satisfied you are with your marriage, the more likely you are to gain weight. Further, the report says divorce is accepted to be associated with weight loss.
3 Questions (Including Follow-Up Questions) That Arise From This Study
1. If happily married couples go to the moon, where as we wrote yesterday, the vast majority of Americans believe other Americans have landed, does this mean they are less likely to bounce around and float away from their loved ones? If so, why aren’t there more honeymoons and anniversaries celebrated on the moon and less at Niagara Falls?
2. What kind of legislation would New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg enact to prevent this phenomena? Perhaps a law that if you “let yourself go” after landing a spouse, you must work in a mascot uniform in Times Square, which due to intense heat will make you sweat off excess pounds?
3. New Jersey governor Chris Christie, who describes himself as “more than a little” overweight must be really happily married! But apparently not happy enough to spread the love by allowing gay people to get married in his state. Does his position make sense given 64% of New Jersey residents support gay marriage? Does his position make sense if allowing gay marriage may result in more happy marriages leading to more overweight people in New Jersey, making him look relatively more health-conscious compared to the rest of the state?
Just In Time For Easter: Bacon Condoms
The New York Daily News reports that J&D Foods, a company whose motto is “everything should taste like bacon,” is selling bacon condoms.
Specifically, a lated condom with a printed-bacon pattern coated in “baconlube, a water-based meat-flavored personal lubricant.”
We are quite familiar with J&D foods, having sampled their bacon-flavored lip balm, mayonnaise, and popcorn. Other products on their web site include bacon-flavored envelopes, in case you want your friends and relatives to think you were too busy to put down a greasy bacon-burger while sending your Christmas cards.
3 More Potential Bacon Products We Wonder If We’ll See Next
1. Bacon assault rifles. Did the founding fathers contemplate a bacon-assault rifle when drafting the constitution? “We thought of bacon envelopes, but to be honest, bacon assault rifles, we never saw that coming,” we might expect George Washington’s ghost to say.
Many months have passed since we originally posted this photo, and the United Nations still do not recognize this state!
2. Baconberry Q10 Phones. This new bacon-scented Blackberry would feature the traditional Qwerty keyboard that bacon-lovers are so fond of, with extra large buttons for extra large fingers resulting from eating too much bacon.
3. Bacon kites. These kites made of bacon answer the age-old question: “Why do we have to drive all the way to a lake when we can go fishing in our backyards?” What flying animals eat bacon? Vultures? Eagles? Baltimore Orioles? A trip to your backyard will reveal this and much more!
Restaurants Have Secret Codes To Describe You!
As we wrote yesterday, the New York Times reports that some restaurants secretly record information about their patrons for future use.
The article also stated restaurants use secret codes to describe patrons. Some include:
- FOM = Friend of Manager
- PX = Person Extraordinaire (formerly “VIP”, until other patrons heard “VIP” used to describe patrons other than them)
- HSM = Heavyset Man (who may require special seating)
- LOL = Little Old Lady
- 86 = Do Not Admit – see Snopes for explanation here.
3 Worse Codes Restaurants Could Give To Identify You
1. AFD – Awkward First Dater. Expect this patron to bring their latest eHarmony match here for an all-to-quiet conversation, and a brief meal. Seat them next to gossipy couples who will enjoy watching the wreckage.
2. AMQ – A Million-Questioner. Make sure to have the most knowledgeably waitstaff member available, or better yet, the person who is best at making up facts because this person needs to ask 100 questions to make a major life decision like what appetizer to have. Savvy restaurant wait staff will seat the AMQ near an AFD, because the AMQ will talk the AFD’s ear off when the AFD’s date ends early.
Codename MSAAF (“Must Serve Authentic American Flavors!” Don’t try to slip by any artificial Wisconsin flavoring by these discerning patrons!)
3. CC – Cap’n Crunch. It’s rare to have Cap’n Crunch visit your restaurant, but you better have plenty of Cap’n Crunch cereal available, because we hear he’s pretty egotistical! And whatever you do, don’t seat him next to Captain Morgan, unless you want a re-enactment of the Treasure Island Casino pirate nautical war in the middle of your restaurant! Note: this code can also be used for people who chew loudly, and should be seated next to the nearest group of LOLs who may not have good enough hearing to notice.
eHarmony App Helps You Get Out Of Bad eHarmony Dates!
Reuters recently reported that dating web site eHarmony has created a new iPhone application called the Bad Date Rescue App.
The App allows you to program your phone to call you at any scheduled point during a date and plays a scripted recording to help you get out of the date. The recording pauses, allowing you to play along with the script and show off your acting skills, which probably aren’t very good because if they were, you would have just made up a plausible excuse to get you out of the date, without requiring a prerecorded voice that your date can’t hear pretending to have a conversation with you.
Here are some examples of the kinds of calls you can get according to Reuters:
“Scripts are available giving the reason for the call, such as a neighbor calling about a leaky pipe; a mother informing that a sister just had a baby; or a boss saying he needs help immediately.”
These ploys may seem like good ideas, until you go on a date with your plumber boss who offers to come with you to fix your neighbor’s leaky pipe, until he remembers that your sister is a baby, because you have a photo of her on your desk at the office.
Perhaps your date isn’t going so well because you picked the wrong wine from the wine list.
Remember, this app is from eHarmony, the company that advertises that if you take its questionnaire to define what you’re looking for, “we’ll help you find the most promising matches.“
Those sound like really promising matches when someone has to schedule a fake phone call to themselves, before the date even begins, to ensure there is a plausible explanation to get out of the date.
The important thing for men out there who may be disappointed that their date received one of these fake telephone calls is to remember it could be worse. Specifically, here are:
3 Worse iPhone Interruptions Your Date Could Get During A Date Read the rest of this entry
3 Worse Things Than Reading Your Date Was Bad On A Blog
We at NotTheWorstNews check out the blogs of our recent followers whenever we can. Yesterday we visited the blog of popular blogger mothstoaflame, who shares dating stories, so check out her blog to read some. She either gives the men “code” names, or dates men named after inanimate objects. Either way, it may be potentially embarrassing for some men in similar circumstances if they figure out they’re the subject matter of a blog after a disastrous date. But you’re reading NotTheWorstNews, so here are three worse possible situations to remind said men it could be worse…
