Category Archives: Blogs
There’s A Monster At The End Of This Blog
Today’s WordPress Daily Prompt Challenge asks:
“What was your favorite book as a child? Did it influence the person you are now?”
Our favorite book was unquestionably Sesame Street’s “The Monster at the End of This Book” written by Jon Stone and illustrated by Michael Smollin.
The book starred Grover, who guided us through the book as he worried about the fact that he had heard there was a monster at the end of the book.
Spoiler Alert: Grover was the monster! He was worried for nothing! He should have never spent an entire, albeit short, book worrying about nothing! So of course this influenced who we are now. We do not worry about self-created monsters in life, because in the end, we know many of the things we wasted time worrying about will not even come true. Except the time we worried that NBC would replace the hilarious Conan O’Brien, with a return of Jay Leno, followed by a return of the not-hilarious Jimmy Fallon, according to the New York Times.
Three More Monsters At The End Of Other Peoples’ Books We Will Not Worry About
1. That passing stricter gun control laws will lead to the government taking everyone’s guns. The government can’t even take away money from General Electric in years it makes billion of dollars of profits! And General Electric stopped manufacturing M134 Miniguns. In conclusion, not having a gun does not = the government is going to hassle you to get your stuff!
2. That someone will drug us, and we’ll wake up in a bath tub with a kidney stolen next time we visit Las Vegas. According to Snopes, this has never happened! The only thing belonging to you that might disappear in Las Vegas is your money, and perhaps your pride.
3. That a law preventing people from ordering more than 16 ounces of sugary soft drinks in one cup will drive the New York City restaurant industry out of business! Actually, if people buy two 16 ounce soft drinks, which would be legal, we’d say that might be good for business. And the fact that Bubba Gump Shrimp Factory still exists in Times Square suggests to us that New York City restaurants go out of business less frequently than investors can open up restauarants based on movies from decades ago! It looks like it’s time that someone opens up a “Friday the Thirteenth Part 8: Jason Takes Manhattan” themed restaurant in New York.*
*And the fact we mentioned Jason shows that our title about there being a monster at the end of this blog was true. But again, not worthy of worrying about since it seems unlikely he will show his face in Times Square since Times Square already has a competing Jekyll & Hyde restaurant.
3 Worse Individuals Your Wife Could Run Off With Than A Lottery Winner
We thank funny blogger/novel writer Indy Tony for nominating us for the “Versatile Blogger Award,” an award that requires nominees to nominate 15 new bloggers to accept the nomination.
As a versatile news team, we believe in demonstrating our versatility by respectfully declining all chain-letter-like award nominations by writing an entry about the nominee’s blog, regardless of the topic.
Our position about chain-letters probably was formed when following instructions on a chain message on the PacSun Facebook fan page timeline in which the poster warned that if we did not forward the message to 15 people forthwith, a ghost would appear in our bedrooms, but if we did forward it, we would meet our crushes the next day at 8 p.m.
We were initially sceptical of this claim because we knew we were spending the next day at 8pm ironically watching TLC’s Extreme Cheapskates on one of the televisions at the local Best Buy.
While at the Best Buy, cheaply using the cheapest laptops, we only had time to forward the message to 14 Facebook Friends, most of which were each other, creating mass confusion as to whether each message received increased the requirement by fifteen people.
However, none of this created any ghosts in our bedrooms, which were mostly filled with mattresses we found in dumpsters thanks to advice from Extreme Cheapskates.
And so, due to this experience with chain letters, we will instead invest our time reviewing Indy Tony’s Blog. Which takes us to an entry entitled “Happier Than A Pig In Slop.”
Don’t be fooled by Tony’s blog title. It’s not all about pigs. There’s more to read about in life than pigs, people!
In this entry, Indy Tony, came up with a novel idea while driving from Cleveland to Rochester, to see his kids, whom he must love dearly, to drive from Cleveland to Rochester, where the most exciting thing to see en route is a McDonald’s in the middle of an interstate in Pennsylvania. Read the rest of this entry
3 Less Lovely Things Your Dog Could Retrieve Than A Yellow Snowball
Late last year, blogger/photographer Carol Dunnigan nominated this blog for the One Lovely Blog award, an award that requires you to nominate 15 other bloggers to qualify to win.
Being wary of blog pyramid schemes and Amway Nutritional blog supplements, we respectfully declined the award, as has been this site’s practice since the first time it was nominated.
However, we also did promise to feature Carol’s blog in one of our posts. And as we have been overwhelmed with cat news in 2013, this seemed like a good time to let things go to the dogs.
Specifically, in a blog entitled “First Snow,” Carol posted a photo of her dog in the snow bringing what appeared to be a yellow snowball to her as a gift. Want to know more about this snowball? Then head over to her blog – we don’t post spoiler alerts here!
Want to know 3 worse things your dog could retrieve than a yellow snowball, then you’ve come to the right place! Here they are:
1. A yellow snowman. You never should have bought that home downhill from the clumsy-kid-with-the-year-round-lemonade-stand! Not only does the kid keep spilling Gatorade dispensers full of lemonade, but he’s also going to go bankrupt trying to sell lemonade throughout the winter!
2. Your Google search history. You may have thought clicking “clear history” deleted all of your searches for “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and “Musical,” but your dog was Google employee #53, so you should have known that he would know how to retrieve your personal, potentially embarrassing information from the Google Cloud.
3. A blue, red, yellow and green snowball. You should have never bought a house underneath the Google Cloud! Now it snows in Google logo colors every day thanks to the Google Weather Machine!
We Were Fooled By CBC Yesterday! Are We Going To Have To Turn To Fox For Trusted Canadian News?
Yesterday we wrote about a story on the Canadian Broadcasting Corporation web site that fell in the too-ridiculous-to-be-true-so-it-must-be-true category.
Specifically, a comedy radio show on CBC posted a fictional story and interview about a Texas town that was adding sugar to its tap water to increase water consumption.
Yes, we mocked comedic fictional news. Now we will never know whether to believe CBC stories about Canadian federal election robo-caller “Pierre Poutine!”
How will we know if New Brunswick’s “Harlequin Duck” is really at risk of joining the endangered species list? Or is that story just something mocking Harlequin romance novels, which are published by a sister company of the Toronto Star, a rival to CBC news?
3 More Stories We Wonder If We Should Trust CBC About
1. The NHL is in some sort of lockout. Sure CBC may have reported about this, but how do we really know, unless we head down to the Nassau Coliseum that nobody is playing hockey there? Has anyone checked? We will be especially suspicious if we look on the CBC web site and find any NHL reports written under the pseudonym “Don Cherry Garcia Ice Cream.”
2. Manitobans reach for shovels after first snowfall. Are we really to believe they’re reaching for shovels, and not reaching for Tim Hortons’ double doubles to try to melt the snow, whatever that means?
3. Justin Bieber’s Twitter Prank Riles Two Texans. So CBC, it all comes full circle, eh? You wrote an article about Justin Bieber posting a fake, incomplete Texas phone number on Twitter with the message “Call me,” leading to thousands of calls to a few Texas phone numbers. And now, the CBC web site pranks the world with a fake story about Texas sugar-coated water. Dear CBC: is Justin Bieber secretly running your web page, and why does there appear to be a joint goal to prank Texas?
Breaking News: Posting One Of Your Two Small Children Is Your Favorite On Your Blog Is A Bad Idea!
According to Yahoo, a father in Calgary, Alberta, Canada has received numerous negative comments on internet message boards after posting on his blog that he prefers his kindergartener to his toddler.
From the article:
“‘If I were to be absolutely honest, my older son is my favorite of the two,’ Buzz Bishop wrote at Babble.com, where he blogs as DadCamp. ‘He and I are adventurous partners in crime, and I can’t imagine life without him. He was an accident waiting to happen, and I’m so glad it did.’”
We might add that parents out there may not want to post for the world to see that their favorite kid was an “accident.”
Now the good news, from the father’s wife:
“I know where he’s coming from, and I know he loves them both the same,” she told The Daily Mail. “It’s just the age of the two, his favorite is the older one because he can relate more to him. It doesn’t necessarily mean Zacharie is a favorite overall, it’s just a favorite right now.”
So don’t worry, child #2! There’s still a chance you can earn your father’s affections, and even pass the first kid in ranking, perhaps in the rebellious teenage years! And if a new kid comes along, we have ourselves quite the horse race!
Oh we forgot to mention the father is a radio host, and is bound to be getting all kinds of free publicity!
3 Worse Ways A Radio Host Could Get Cheap, Blatant Publicity Than Publicly Declaring A Child To Be Their Favorite
1. Report fake traffic reports and send every car in Calgary to drive on a detour by a massive billboard for the DJ’s radio show. If it’s a morning show, be sure to show a middle-aged duo in kooky poses with equally kooky names to compensate for the fact that they couldn’t care less about the latest Katy Perry song they’ll play every morning for the next six weeks, or that they don’t really share the excitement with the latest screaming winner of Ke$ha tickets, unless maybe the winner is barely legal.
2. Have a weekly top 40 countdown ranking all of their Facebook friends! Remember that includes family, which is why it is worse, especially for any high-school-aged nephews falling down the charts with the Halloween dance so near!
3. Having a presidential-style debate on the air between a kindergarten aged kid and a toddler to debate why each one should be elected as “Daddy’s Favorite” by the station’s listeners. The toddler can’t speak and has a massive disadvantage, especially on the radio, where cuteness is unlikely to influence voters! That said, let’s just say there could be a major upset if Sarah Palin’s VP-debating coaches help that toddler out!
Not The Worst News Just Hit 1,000 “Likes” On WordPress! Thank You! Now Here’s 3 Worse Things!
3 Worse Things Than Getting 1,000 Likes On WordPress
1. Getting 1,000 likes on your Facebook status: “I just got dumped after losing my job! 
“ You don’t even have 1,000 Facebook friends, so who are the jerks who clicked “like” multiple times? Or is your news just so bad that the likes exceed your friends because you broke Facebook? Please note: breaking Facebook will not make you popular with any potential replacement soul-mates.
2. Getting 1,000 lakes. That just means you became the proud owner of Finland, “Land of 1,000 Lakes!” This is terrible timing, when Finland, home of the ailing Nokia smartphone maker, is scheduled to get the iPhone 5 this Friday!
3. Getting 1,000 L.A. Lakers and Laker Girls! Just one set of Lakers may have bankrupted you with this year’s $100 million payroll! But you can’t concentrate on the exact implications on your budget, because as you try to input the numbers into Quicken in your 500 square foot West Hollywood apartment, you are distracted by all of the Laker Girls jumping up and down with a marching band to Gwen Stefani’s Hollaback Girl!
Just In Time For The Olympic Closing Ceremonies… The Medals Of The Blogs We Read This Week! Tattoos, Dido, and Bucket Lists!
The Olympics are about to come to a close, and this is our 50th consecutive day of comedic blogging, so we decided to celebrate and create our own event: speed-reading of some of the blogs of readers who have liked our own entries this week! Then we awarded “comedic situation” medals. We enjoyed all of the blogs equally, so the medal choices are entirely self-serving, based on which ones provided the most comedic potential for our unique format of suggesting 3 worse situations than situations in the news, or in this case, the blogosphere.
So, now it’s time to hand out our own medals of the Summer 2012 blogs!
BRONZE MEDAL
The Bronze Medal goes to blogger Kana’s Chronicles of Team USA and her entry “A Lesson On Letting Go.” In it, this writer describes how she successfully used a photo of her tattoo as part of a job application! The job is writing a daily blog about Biker Life! And now for our comedic entry inspired by this blog – here are:
3 Photos Not To Include In An Application For A Job Writing A Blog About Biker Life
1. A Tattoo of a Plymouth Grand Voyageur. That’s not a bike! And it’s also not an “El Camino”, but that didn’t stop the Black Keys from using one on the cover of their album El Camino! Anyway, the whole tattoo-something-that’s-not-really-what-you-say-it-is would probably be a better strategy for a hipster blog than a biker blog!
2. A Tattoo of a Grocery List. This would be especially bad if the grocery list does not include anything motorcycle-related, but does include organic parsley. How much organic parsley does one really need to be reminded of to have to tattoo the reminder on their arm?
3 Words We Do Not Recommend Tattooing On Your Body! Because Tattoos are Permanent And You Never Know How Long McRib Will Be Back!
3. A Tattoo of Someone Else Who Is Applying For A Job Writing A Blog About Biker Life! You’re advertising the competition, and you’re going to be stuck with a tattoo reminding you of that major error for life!
SILVER MEDAL
The Silver Medal goes to American blogger Ashley Jillian and her entry “Comedy.” In it, she tells a tale of a friend who cried so hard while listening to singer Dido, that the friend tore “his or her favorite jeans.” Thanks for the comedic inspiration, Ashley, here’s:
3 Worse Songs To Listen To And Damage Your Jeans Than A Song By Dido
1. Limp Bizkit – Break Stuff. Okay, technically, you were doing what the song told you to do. But it’s still worse because you were listening to Limp Bizkit and it’s 2012. Even Limp Bizkit, who has been rumored to be launching a comeback doesn’t listen to Limp Bizkit in 2012.
If you insist on breaking stuff while listening to Limp Bizkit, might we suggest breaking off a piece of a Kit Kat bar instead of “somebody’s face” as suggested in the song?
2. ZZ Top – Legs. The song lyrics are: “She’s got legs, she knows how to use them.” But if you’re ripping your jeans, just by listening to music, you kinda don’t know how to use ‘em.
3. Eminem – Stan. Remember, this is a song featuring Dido, which is completely different than a song by Dido. And if the lyrics of Dido make you cry and rip your jeans, we don’t even want to imagine what happens when Eminem’s dark tragic tale of Stan is rapped into the mix!
GOLD MEDAL
Our Gold Medal of blogging goes to American blogger Lesley Carter’s entry entitled “2012 Bucket List – Adventure Awaits!” This adventurous blogger has an extensive 30 item bucket list, with links to accomplished items. But for comedic value, we will look at her bucket list item #23: “Go On An Unplanned Road Trip.”
Looks like she’s been foiled, in her bucket-listing, by putting an impossible item to complete on the list! Why? Because the entire bucket list is planning things to do in a year, so she has planned to go on an unplanned road trip! Impossible! Or, is it?
There is a way out. Let somebody else plan the road trip. Perhaps take suggestions from your numerous readers, and then draw the winning trip from the suggestions. Now that would be unplanned! There, we got you out of that logical dilemma!
And if we may suggest an unplanned road trip, we suggest a road trip to African Lion Safari, in Hamilton, Ontario, Canada, which we label: the world’s most ridiculous drive-thru. Why? Because it’s a drive-thru zoo, and monkeys may jump on your car, which may not be good for resale value. Anyway, here are:
3 Even More Impossible Things To Complete On A Bucket List!
1. Watch the Chicago Cubs win a World Series. The true proactive smarty-pantses out there crossed this off their bucket lists in 1908. But for those of you who missed it, the odds aren’t looking good, based on history, or the current standings, of seeing this happen in 2012!
You’re much more likely to see the World Series won in Yankee Stadium, unless you’re this guy, who might have his back to the action while they win it.
2. Find the Meaning of Life. We’re not talking about the real meaning of life. We’re talking about the meaning of life promised in the instructions of the Colecovision video game “B.C.’s Grog’s Revenge.” The game promised that if you ever finished it, you would find the meaning of life. However, in this game, if the character Grog even enters the same cave as your character, it’s game over. And Grog can walk into the room at any time, without warning. Which is why we think the makers of the game toyed with our emotions, as they made it virtually impossible to win or find the meaning of life. Is this the kind of Karma that caused Coleco to go out of business?
3. Start A Drive-Thru Car Wash/Aquarium Where Your Car Is Washed By Sharks And Killer Whales. Sure it sounds far-fetched, impossible, and something that people may not want to visit, but arguably so does a drive-thru zoo, and one of those has been around for decades in Hamilton, Ontario, Canada!
Thanks to the bloggers who have followed us or liked our entries, and written their own entries that have inspired us to write even more entries! Will we continue our comedic blogging streak past the current 50-day mark? Stay tuned tomorrow, August 13, at 3 pm Eastern to find out!
Boring Vanilla Headline To Discourage You From Clicking On This Post.
We get spam! For those of you unfamiliar with WordPress, it filters out spam messages that autobots try to put on message boards.
Often, you will receive the same awkward message, attempting to look genuine, repeatedly from different WordPress accounts. After deleting our favorite spam message repeatedly, we realized we wanted to write about that particular spam message, and eagerly awaited the day it returned to our spam box. And here it is!
Although Vanilla Coke has been discontinued, we eagerly await the day that Vanilla Spam is available in grocery stores!
In case you’re reading this on a small-screened Blackberry in 2008, the spammer is telling us our article entitled “Expert Says ‘Sexy’ Sausage Ad May Discourage People From Moving To Sweden Town!” is “kinda vanilla.” The spammer suggests adding a photo, indicating the spambot was unable to see our wonderful photo of Finnish hot dog cuisine that was included in the article.
We’re fairly certain that our headline is not Vanilla, because as we’ve previously written, based on your Yahoo searches for “Sexy Sausages” we are a leading authority on Sexy Sausages on the Internet.
So, loyal readers, if you received a similar message suggesting your blog entry title was “vanilla”, when it clearly was not, remember, it could be worse. Here are:
3 Even More-Opposite-Of-Vanilla Real Blog Headlines By Our Readers From Their Own Blogs Read the rest of this entry
We Will Never Get Writer’s Block As Long As People Continue Killing Spiders With Blowtorches.
As we continue our week of celebration of our readers, we read a blog entry by novelist Candace Knoebel entitled “Caught In The Writer’s Block Web,” where she offers some great tips to avoid getting writer’s block, which she hopefully did not have when she’s wrote her blog entry. Because if you have writer’s block and are able to write about writer’s block, do you really have writer’s block? We’ll leave that question to the 15th century philosophers once the time machines are invented.
She also calls writer’s block a metaphorical “spider.” Coincidentally we call writer’s block “The Amazing Spider-Man.” Come on, really, Marvel/Disney/Sony, the tag line is “The Untold Story Begins” when you just began the story, for yet another time, 10 years ago with Toby Maguire! The real cause of Hollywood writer’s block is in the studio heads who keep recycling the same stories again and again, blocking many new writers with original ideas from getting their stories told on-screen. Read the rest of this entry
We Hope You Find Your “Sexy Sausage” But Doubt You’ll See That New Adam Sandler Movie On Zune!
We continue our week-long series of posts inspired by our readers. Today, we honor our anonymous readers. Specifically, the people who type things into search engines, and perhaps don’t know that search engines often tell us what they typed! And while some may initially be embarrassed to know the search terms they are typing into search engines are being passed along to web sites like ours, the good news is that you are still anonymous, unless you end every web search with the words “Seacrest Out!”
Anyway, we were looking at the keywords some of you were typing in early last Saturday, and…um… why don’t you just look at the chart below, and judge for yourself whether Google and other engines are leading people to a site that gives ‘em what they want!
We tried to find your sexy sausage for you on Siri, anonymous reader, but Siri just directed us back to our web site. Good luck in your quest!
We have an interesting group here, ranging from someone who wants to know what happens if drugs are found on you at the airport… to someone who either (a) has amnesia and has forgotten who their sexy sausage is; or (b) is talking sexy-talk to Google, because they consider Google to be their “sexy sausage”. And they consider Slim Jim’s to be their “big fat search engine”. Read the rest of this entry
