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A&W Paying Five Bucks To Some People To Put Ads In Their Beards (Offer Apparently Does Not Apply To Abraham Lincoln, Who Ironically Appears On Five Dollar Bills)
Business Insider reports that A&W is putting mini-advertisements in an unconventional location. For $5 a day, men can be paid to walk around with an advertisement in their beards! And that sounds like enough money to get something to eat at A&W (which you should make sure does not get stuck in your beard, because nobody is paying you to have Grandpa Burger bits stuck in your beard.)
3 More Things We’d Like To See Advertised In Someone’s Beard
1. Wizard-training schools. Who wouldn’t trust someone advertising wizardry on their beard? However, we’d expect more neon and dry ice in an ad on a Wizard’s beard, and less cardboard. Business cards would definitely not be a convincing form of advertising wizardry.
2. “If you lived here, you would be home right now.” (Only applies to insects commuting near the beard in rush hour traffic.)
3. Ads for cheap razors with a slogan, the “fifth best a man can get without paying $20 for one cartridge.”
Florida Snail Invasion!
CNN reports that Florida is being invaded by Giant African Land Snails, a breed of snail that has no natural predator, and loves to eat anything that grows in Florida.
3 Worse Outcomes Than Snails Eating Every Plant In Florida
1. The Snail from the upcoming Dreamworks Animation movie, Turbo, could begin racing all of the motorcycles on Daytona Beach during bike week. If a snail offers to wager you in a contest of speed, you’re totally getting hustled!
2. Panama City Beach Spring Break revellers could accidentally funnel the snails.
3. Snails, knowing they can impact the orange juice market, carry a suitcase with a fake report to drive the price of orange juice futures up, to fool the Duke brothers from Trading Places into buying worthless orange juice futures.
If A Lumberjack Disappears In A Forest For 102 Years, And Nobody Is There To See Him…
Earlier this week, we wrote that Swedish taxation authorities reportedly took 102 years to declare a missing lumberjack to be dead.
3 Philosophical Questions That Arise From This News Story
1. If a lumberjack disappears in a forest, and nobody is there to see him, is it really that surprising they can’t see him, since he “disappeared.”
2. If a lumberjack disappears in a forest, is he really a magician? What if he makes a bunch of trees fall silently with his magic, but has no audience to hear them fall because everybody is watching the Celebrity Apprentice on TV? How does that impact his magic and the entire field of philosophy?
3. If a magician disappears in a forest, is that magician Penn Teller, and does this mean he is going to lose on tonight’s season finale of the Celebrity Apprentice? And did he lose because country singer Trace Adkins fairly bested him, or because show host Donald Trump is hoping for more country voters in case he ever runs for election, and less Las Vegas magic voters? (Because getting those votes might require magic when Trump branded casinos dominate Atlantic City, not Vegas! Oh, and also Donald Trump has probably weakened his popularity in often Democratic Nevada with rants about college transcripts and birth certificates.)
Gawker Trying To Raise $200,000 To Buy Video Of Toronto Mayor Smoking Crack… Why Does Your Sandwich-Making How-To Video Only Have 3 Views On YouTube And No Offers To Buy It?
As we wrote yesterday, a report indicated Gawker had been shopped a video of Rob Ford, the Mayor of Toronto, Canada, allegedly smoking crack cocaine.
Gawker is currently asking readers to donate money to support buying this video to post it on its web site, as the video’s owners want $200,000. The good news: if Gawker raises the money, and the deal goes awry, they will donate the money to charity. Currently Gawker has raised $45,000.
3 Questions That Arise From This News Story
1. Why would a mayor allegedly smoke crack while someone is recording it? Oh, right, because their decision-making ability was allegedly impaired by allegedly being on crack.
2. Will someone publish this video, and the Mayor tell the alleged truth of what’s going on in it so we can stop the word “allegedly” from ruining the flow of our alleged jokes?
3. What will the owners of the video do with the $200,000 if they get it? Buy 200,000 ninety-nine cent breakfasts at IKEA? As furniture store food products remain a constant source of worthy news material for this web site, we have our fingers crossed!
Blast From the Past: Alleged Video Of Toronto Mayor Returns Relevance Of Phrase “Are You On Crack?!”
According to the Huffington Post, reports in the Toronto Star and Gawker indicate that sources at those media outlets have been offered a video of Toronto Mayor Rob Ford allegedly smoking a crack pipe.
3 Worse Things A Toronto Mayor Could Allegedly Be Caught Smoking In A Video
1. A crack pipe filled with crack and clippings from Toronto Star articles alleging he smoked from a crack pipe. Burning and smoking articles with bad publicity might seem like a good way to make the problem go away, if you were on crack, however in any other case it would be sadly ironic.
2. Money spent by the Toronto Blue Jays to try to buy a World Series team this year, that has so far lead to the worst team in the American League East. And crack. Because remember, this is an article about “worse” things he could be smoking than just crack!
3. A biography of former Washington, D.C. Mayor Marion Barry in a crack pipe with crack and broken glass. We haven’t read one and doubt the whole book would fit in a crack pipe. But we bet it would recommend against allegedly using cocaine-based products while in office. Either way: read biographies, don’t smoke them with crack, peeps!
President Gives Press Conference… In Rain… Under Umbrella-ella-ella!
Today, U.S. President Barack Obama held a press conference, in which a marine held an umbrella over his head. According to CNN, this is rarely done. Presumably because the President of the United States rarely speaks outside in the rain, because he can watch weather forecasts on CNN and stay inside when there’s a chance of rain, rather than get blown around in a hurricane like Anderson Cooper or former CNN reporter Ali Velshi.
3 Other People We’d Like To See Hold An Umbrella For The President
1. Jay-Z and Rihanna. Because if the image of the President with an umbrella is worthy of front page news on the Fox News site, then why not make it bigger news! The kind of big news like, “Ah, man, I just got this song unstuck from my head after five years and here it is on every cable news program!”
2. The Bee Girl from the Blind Melon Video. She’s good at dancing around to promises of no rain, and as we wrote last year, we hear she’s looking for work!
3. An Umbrella Salesman Selling “Made In America” Umbrellas To Protect The President From Polluted Rain Made In Southeast Asia.
That would be a rare sight indeed! Rarer than a new episode of the Office, as the final episode airs tonight on NBC. Farewell to the Office from Not The Worst News!
Expert: People Who Take Pictures Of Things Like Things
Today’s news tip came to us via email from blogger Indy Tony. You can check out his blog, “A Way With Words” here. Now, to the news! CBC news reports that a psychiatrist gave a presentation suggesting that people who post lots of photos of food on social media may have psychological issues such as obesity problems.
If this blog was a movie trailer, now would be the moment where the music stops playing as the record abruptly scratches.
Are we to understand that a doctor found a captive audience, including the news media, to make the obvious point that people who like food may take lots of pictures of food?
3 More Obvious Revelations About Your Friends’ Social Networking Habits
1. People who post photos of their pets really like their pets. Or have narcissistic pets who know how to use Flickr and post their own pictures. And of course, if you’re a cat that thinks you’re so smart because you how to use Flickr, you are going to be a total narcissist!
2. People who post photos of their babies love their babies. P.S. If you love your baby so much that you make it your profile pic, here’s some helpful info: when Facebook suspects that your Facebook friend is logging in from a suspicious account, such as a computer in a Jamaican hotel, Facebook will ask your friend to prove their identity by matching their randomly selected Facebook friends’ profile pictures to their friends’ names. It’s kind of like a game show! This is an especially difficult game to play in the middle of a Jamaican hotel when all that pops up is pictures of dopey babies, and you have to guess which one belongs to which person you were in elementary school with and which ones are newborns of your real friends. Stop the madness and use a photo of you holding your baby, please!
3. People who don’t post anything on Facebook, and act all too cool for Facebook will probably tell you your entire status update posting history when they’re drunk. Example of Something a Drunk Person Will Say To You In A Bar: “I saw on Facebook your cat died. I’m so sorry to hear about this because I know you posted adorable photos of your cat wearing baby clothes every day. But not so sorry to take five seconds to comment about it on Facebook, because that would make me look like an uncool person who reads Facebook, rather than a drunk cool person who reads Facebook!”
Sorry For The Confusion, Ma’am, But It’s Not Called “American Idol Airlines!”
When people follow us, we try to follow back* and read their blogs. And today, we were quite pleased to see a news story from Ken Hegan, who reported for MSN that an American Airlines jet from LAX to JFK had to make an emergency landing… because a woman wouldn’t stop singing Whitney Houston songs. So check out the original link, because it features a passenger-shot video of the incident, with the woman singing “I Will Always Love You.”
3 Worse Artists A Passenger Could Imitate On A Plane, Forcing You To Waste Time During An Emergency Landing
1. Dolly Parton. Not only would you have to endure “I Will Always Love You,” which Parton actually wrote, but if the passenger was behaving this way due to too much alcohol before boarding the plane, you can certainly expect a request that you play the role of Kenny Rogers in a karaoke duet of “Islands In The Stream.” Not only would this be the wrong time for this sort of social behavior, singing about islands in streams is totally inappropriate when flying out of LAX over the Nevada desert!
2. Nickelback. There is never a right time for singing Nickelback, including at Nickelback concerts, even if you are on stage, and you’re Nickelback.
3. Don McLean. Singing his hit “American Pie,” which is about other great musicians dying in a plane crash is hardly going to be a crowd-pleaser on a flight. Especially if other drunken passengers join in singing hits from Buddy Holly, Ritchie Valens, and the Big Bopper. And if some drunk teenager re-enacts the pie scene from the movie American Pie, in response, you have a reason for once to be happy your flight is not serving any dessert trays.
*If we didn’t follow you back, it’s because WordPress only shows the latest new followers, and we missed your follow notification, so blame the machines!
Swedish Newspapers: Always The Place We Can Find The Most Current Breaking News!
The Local reports that the Swedish National Tax Agency has declared a lumberjack who has been missing for 102 years to be dead. If alive, he would have been 139 years old, which would be older than the oldest person recorded in human history, who incidentally died at age 122.
Way to keep on top of things, Sweden!
3 More Things We Wonder If Sweden Will Declare To Be Dead
1. IKEA breakfast. Because now that McDonald’s may be moving into the all-day-breakfast market, people will no longer have to travel miles to pretend they want to buy furniture to get cheap eggs, that they ironically could have gotten for even less money if they splurged on a fridge from IKEA.
2. Jokes about IKEA on this web site! Although we’d wager furniture stores that sell food are more likely to recall the joke for being mislabelled as “elk meat” than actually declare the joke to be dead.
3. Disco. Sure, the rest of the world might have been saying “Disco’s Dead” around the 1980s, but we understand, Sweden, you had your major export ABBA to protect. It’s okay!
That’s So Not Raven! Disney Reportedly Applied To Trademark “Day of the Dead!”
CNN reports that the Walt Disney Company ”filed an application to the U.S. Patent and Trademark Office to secure the phrase ‘Día de los Muertos,’ or ‘Day of the Dead,’ across multiple platforms.”
More from the article, followed by original comedy:
“Día de los Muertos is a traditional holiday celebrated on November 1 and 2 in Mexico and across Latin America. People honor the lives of lost family members or friends by building altars, holding processions, decorating gravesites and placing offerings for loved ones.”
Following a backlash, Disney reportedly withdrew the application.
3 More Potentially Unpopular Things For A Family Entertainment Company To Try To Trademark
1. Mother’s Day. Sorry folks, we’re going to have to wish you a happy “Person-Who-Lugged-You-Around-For-Nine-Months-Prior-To-Birth” Day to avoid paying royalties.
2. The Word “Trademark.” Just try to write news stories like this ever again for free, CNN! And kids may find a movie about trademarks as magical as movies about death.
3. “Brunch.” Yeah, we’ve got more bad news, kids. Now that “Brunch” has been trademarked, you’re going to have to take out your mother for “Fast-Lunch” to celebrate ”Person-Who-Lugged-You-Around-For-Nine-Months-Prior-To-Birth” Day. And because the restauranteurs take the idea of “Fast-Lunch” literally, the whole meal has to last under ten minutes, nine minutes of which your mother will remind you is significantly less time than she spent in labor.
